Daily Post #32

Breakfast: Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal
Lunch: Turkey Soup
Dinner: 2 flour tortillas, some salad, re-fried beans, cheese

Exercise: 20 minutes elliptical

A long, busy day. Tomorrow will be another.

Daily Post #31

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean, skim milk
Lunch: Turkey sub from Subway, no cheese, wheat bread, honey mustard
Dinner: Salad, tilapia
Snack: 3/4 C FF Cottage cheese

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (16 miles, hills, level6), and then I went crazy tonight and did 20 minutes elliptical (1050+ distance, 200+ calories burned, level 1)

I don't know how I did 20+ miles in 45 minutes that one day. I was pedaling my ass off tonight and barely hit 16. Maybe I read it wrong that day. Or was distracted by the JV football team that trains at the same time the sister and I go to the gym. I was sitting next to one on the bike today and he kept glancing over and trying to keep up with my lightning fast pedaling. He was, but he was only on level 1 that cheat!

Last night I settled in and watched Renee Gets Fit's video logs, talking about her food and exercise and the likes and was introduced to the wonderful world that is diet videos via Youtube. There's a plethera of helpful information, tons of inspiring people, and a lot of advice on things like weight lifting and food and diet myths.

Speaking of weight lifting... the sister and I signed up to meet with the personal trainer at the gym (yes, THE personal trainer. The only one. For the WHOLE gym.) to get some advice on how to use the machines to our best advantage. There was only one other name signed up for that particular session (because the personal trainer never meets with just one person at a time - not very personal in my opinion) and I'm pretty sure that person was my 9th grade science teacher. That'll be interesting.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and I yearn for the deep dreamy sleep I was getting the first few weeks on this diet life style change. Part of it is my cat going totally insane from 10 PM to 4 AM and part of it is me just not feeling as rested when I get up. Any have any ideas?

I sort of feel like I need a food overhaul. The way I eat is just messed up. I don't think I'm getting enough calories which is all at once confusing and ironic. On the one hand it's like "Yahoo more calories!" But on the other it's "Ugh more food?". I guess my relationship with food is messed up right now. It's conflicted and boring and scary. It shouldn't be. I don't think Im eating in a way that I could sustain for a very long period of time, like, say, forever. Which just sets me up to be one of the 95% who gain back everything they lose plus more. I can't really afford to buy more food than I'm buying now, so I feel trapped in my choices.

One cannot live on cottage cheese and lettuce alone.

Daily Post #30

Breakfast: Luna bar
Lunch: Salad with romaine, figs, Gorgonzola, tomato, turkey, rasp.vin.
Dinner: Same salad as above, plus some tomato soup with added frozen veggies

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (level 7, hill, 14+ miles)

Spent a lot of today helping my mom paint and rearrange her bedroom. She's redoing the whole room while my dad is out of town as a sort of "While You Were Out" kind of surprise. Sadly, I got one of my new shirts dirty in the process. Good news is the room looks great and I got to work out my arms a little with the roller.

I'm skipping class tonight because I am a rebel extraordinaire. I'm too tired and dirty to get ready in time and the class is so long and I'd rather watch a movie. Not good reasons to not go, but it's what I'm doing. So there.

Daily Post #29 (238.6)

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Lean Cuisine
Dinner: Salad, 1 C Amy's Low Sodium tomato soup

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (hill, level 6, 26 miles)

Down 4.4 pounds this week. Huzzah! All that working out must be paying off.

Daily Post #28

Breakfast: Cottage cheese
Lunch: Baked chicken breast, frozen veggies
Snack: Luna Bar, 5 pepperoncinis
Dinner: Enchilada, salad

Exercise: 10 minutes elliptical

Sundays are the toughest days for me I think. It's the day I lounge around, pick up here and there, read, watch movies. All activities that can involve a sort of grazing style snacking that doesn't seem like much but adds up to way too much.

Daily Post #27

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean cereal, skim milk
Lunch: 2 slices bread, miracle whip, turkey, 1/2 pickle
Dinner: Sweet potato, peas, stuffing

Exercise: 1 mile treadmill (18 min), 11 miles recumbent (hill, level 7, 30 min), 15 minutes elliptical

Something strange is going on with me and food. All of a sudden I'm just not interested in eating. I've never felt this way before, but now every time I have to eat it feels, well, just like that: that I have to eat. Even as a kid I always finished what was on my plate, whether I liked it or not, it all went down. Now I'm a little bit more picky about my food, I refuse dessert, I haven't finished a meal in a really long time. I'm eating now because I know if I don't I'll be tired and cranky later.

Could it be that for the first time in my life I'm eating food for fuel instead of for some other psychologically traumatic reason?

I don't know if this has ever happened before when I've tried dieting, but it feels pretty new to me. I have no temptation to sneak around, I could very easy "cheat" and buy some bad food, but I'm really just not into it right now. The work:calorie ratio just isn't something I feel like dealing with.

I guess you could say I'm doing very well for about 1 month in.

A Few Points

Last night I hung out with some old friends, one of whom has lost approximately 60ish pounds in the last 2 years. I was stunned to see that although it was 11:00 at night, my friend was heating up leftovers from Thanksgiving and chowing down. She finished the container of leftover turned with a sigh and said "There. Now it won't be here tomorrow." I guess she lets herself pig out every once in awhile and it sort of shocked me. I know she's not doing the crazy fitness nut thing that I'm currently in to, but her blatant binge was sort of awkward for me. I don't really know how to talk to people about their weight, and it's too bad sometimes because I feel like this friend of mine and I could have a lot to say to each other, and could be really supportive if we chatted about it once in awhile.

I was so good at Thanksgiving yesterday. Not only in my food choices, but also in not being ashamed of my healthy choices, not being persuaded into eating things I didn't want, and not being embarassed that my family knows I've started jogging. I was sort of quiet at one point, watching the parade or the National Dog Show (I want a french terrier so bad now), and someone asked me what was wrong. My mom replies "She's hungry." Which I was, and my aunt goes "I'm not suprise she's hardly snacking at all!" This anti-snacking thing was really the biggest accomplishment of the day because that's where I tend to lose my mind. I was even seated next to some scallops wrapped in bacon and decided to let myself enjoy the aroma and pass up on the taste. I felt better for it. Also, I feel it should be noted that I was exhiled to the kiddy table this year as an involuntary baby-sitter and this will not be tolerated next year.

Maybe most importantly, I think my knee is a little, well, fucked. I guess the drwback of jogging when you're 240+ pounds is that all that weight is bouncing along on my fragile little knees and they're starting to rebel. My body has gone through a series of strange yet expected injuries since starting jogging a few weeks ago. I've had about 4 blister, all on the same foot, I've had cramps, I've had sore calves, sore thighs, sore shins, and now, sore knees. Today was the first day I really coneceeded to the pain and took it down a notch. I did a mile on the treadmill, with half of it being jogging, and then plomped down on the recumbent bike and pedaled five miles. I want to step it up, but I need to find exercise that's low impact on my knees before I hurt myself and end up moving backwards.

I have this dirty little habit that sneks up on me every so often: I'm a social smoker. When I can afford a pack of cigarettes I'll buy them, and then it's smoking for about 4 days until the pack is gone and I wait until I have another spare 5 dollars (there's no such thing) and get a new pack. I never smoke more than a pack a week, but still. Not neccesary. I really should just cut it out before I become a full-blown smoker. I guess you could say its pretty ridiculous to work as hard as I'm trying to work at the gym in the morning and spend the rest of the day puffing away. I'm working on it.

Note to self: you're not drinking enough water. Get on that.

Daily Post #26

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Leftovers
Dinner: Cinnamon oatmeal, a slice of toast, some quince jam, raisins

Exercise: 1 mile treadmill, 5 miles bike

Leftovers of course consisting of turkey, peas, and sweet potato and some stuffing.

Yesterday was such a trip for me that I think I need today to process it.

Daily Post #25

Breakfast: Omelet with some cheddar cheese and a single strip of bacon
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Turkey, assorted veggies, some weird salads (all small portions)

Exercise: 1 mile at the gym

Happy Turkey Day!

Daily Post #24

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Not sure*

Exercise: 1 mile jogging, 1 mile walking

My exercise has become more about distance than time. I'm taking this as a good thing, so long as I don't cut myself short. Sometime next week I'm going to up my workout a little, either by adding more distance or trying to jog a little more of it. We'll see, it'll most likely be whatever strikes me at the particular moment.

I have to go shower and get ready for class now. I swear my school is the only one that has classes the day before Thanksgiving. I'm seriously annoyed. The traffic is going to be horrendous.

* A friend from high school is in town for the holiday and we plan on watching Mommie Dearest. This event may or may not include pigging out, which wouldn't suprise me as this friendship is basically founded on a mutual love of big juicy hamburgers.

Edited to add: We ended up making a little stir-fry with white rice. I had a normal sized portion and called it good. I'm immensly proud of this. It was hard to watch my friend go back for seconds and thirds and not even finish what I'd taken as my only portion.

I Don't Want To Disappear

Out of pure curiosity, I visited an old weight-loss journal of mine to check up on the few people I had friended during that particular period of motivation.

I was upset to find that of all of them only one appears to have continued and lost all the weight they intended to lose. This person then confesses that she was addicted to coke, and was dealing with an eating disorder.

This girl that I had found to be so inspiring because her numbers kept dropping, she was motivated and motivating.

I can't believe someone I considered to be an inspiration to me was...well, sort of a fraud.

And everyone else, every single other person, was either worse off or had completely disappeared.

What makes me think that I am doing something so different that I'll stick? That I won't be a fraud, or disappear, or end up worse off?

I'm terrified that this will become just another abandoned blog that someone comes across and wonders what ever happened to me and if I ever made it.

I want to be strong enough to not mess this up.

Daily Post #23, or, I'm a Jogging Fool

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Snack: Clif Bar
Lunch: Turkey Breast 6" sub from Subway (no cheese)
Dinner: Low sodium chili, salad

Exercise: 2 miles at track, 1.25 of it jogging (!!!)

My knees are going to be a big hot mess if I keep this up. I need to learn to stretch better or I'm going to hurt myself.

I feel better jogging than I do walking because my knees are all wonky and sore. I can't tell if this is normal workout pain or something I should be concerned about.

Got a membership at the local Planet Fitness today since it'll be full on winter before I know it and the track and cemetery won't be accessable. I'm a little grumpy about having to pay for a gym membership when there's a perfectly good street outside, but the winter in Maine is no time to be playing in the streets.

I bought a 14/16 sweater today. Probably some kind of fluke, but I'll take it. I tried on a pair of 20 pants at Lane Bryant and couldn't get them past my thighs. I wasn't too broken up about it though since I was wearing size 20 jeans while I was shopping.

My cute dress for Christmas came in and...it fits. It's only a little lumpy in the rear, but once I get the right underwear it'll look sassy and awesome. If there was an award for best dressed at a family function, I would consider myself a contender for the grand prize.

Daily Post #22

Weight: 243.4

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Snack: Clif bar
Lunch: Slimfast
Dinner: Amy's Low Sodium Enchiladas (1 serving), Salad

Exercise: 2 miles at the track

Edited to add: I jogged more than 3/4 of my 2 miles! Woah!

Down .6 pounds this week. And I had to fight tooth and nail for it. I worked out every single day. Sometimes twice. I drank gallons of water. I ate salad as a meal more then 6 times.

It is disheartening to see only a .6 drop, but I'm trying to keep my mind in check. I'm on my period, which might be a factor in the tiny drop. Other then that though, I've got no excuses. No desserts, no binges, no cheats. Just a low week.

Daily Post #21

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif bar
Dinner: 1 Amy's enchilada, salad

Exercise: 20 hardcore ass kicking minutes on the elliptical. All in a row!

I don't know what the deal is but I'm so tired today. I had a hard time getting out of bed, but once I did I got right on my elliptical to get the exercise over for the day. After a shower and some breakfast I feel ready to go back to bed.

Weekends are such a pain in my ass. It's like I spend the whole day just waiting for my next opportunity to eat.

Daily Post #20

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif Bar (I ate half then realized there's 250 calories in one. Yipes.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine
Snack: A handful of frosted mini-wheat (maple & brown sugar)

Exercise: 1 mile at the cemetery, 2 miles at the track

I just realized how much sodium is in a Lean Cuisine. And I had been adding a dash of salt to some of them because they were bland! It's no wonder I feel like I'm retaining water like crazy.

The mini-trip I went on with the sister and mom went really well. We ate out twice and both times I made very sensible choices. They both are trying to be very good about what they eat so the lack of peer pressure made my good choices much easier.

I did get some new clothes while we were out, and was happy to find that I fit very comfortabley into sixe 18/20 shirts. I didn't try any pants as I was already cranky from impending-period blues and didn't need another excuse to be pouting.

Dad went for a jog with us this morning at the cemetery which was sort of nice. He's a big guy and getting up there in years so it's good he was willing to get out and move around a little with us. I know he was putting on a brave face and acting like he didn't hurt too bad, but when we dropped him off he looked a little sore climbing the stairs to the front door. We're hopeing that maybe this will kickstart n exercise bug in him and he'll get back into jogging on his own.

Daily Post #19

Breakfast: Egg beaters, 1 piece wheat toast (with a little marmalade on one half,and a little jelly on the other), some cottage cheese, a tiny ff raspberry yogurt
Lunch: So much salad.
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 2 miles at the track (35 minutes), 15 minutes on the elliptical

Too tired to write.

Daily Post #18

I'm a little annoyed with the new Blogger making me sign in every single time I come to write. For some reason, even though I've checked the 'Remember Me'box, it never seems to know who I am.

Breakfast: Slimfast
Snack: Cucumber
Lunch: Salad, veggie soup, 1 breadstick
Dinner: Too much sushi

Exercise: 2 miles at the cemetery.

We're leaving on our mini-road trip in less than half an hour and I've yet to pack.

If this trip involves lots of eating out, I need to keep in mind these two things: Salads & On-The-Side.

No More Fat Jokes

Today was a little rougher than anticipated. The first day where I was just not into it. Despitemy cheery AM post, my mood seemed to droop all day. Classes were extra boring and even though I was wearing black pants that didn't fit so well previously I keep thinking in my head "Don't feel too sassy, you still weight more than 240 pounds and everyone can see that."

All day long negative thoughts were passing through my head. How I wasn't good enough, strong enough, I didn't want it enough. I wasn't working hard enough to really do any good and I'd probably end up gaining weight and be agreat failure.

My mother ordered me this adorable dress for the holidays and I'm terrified I won't fit into it. I've never owned anything that cost more than 100 dollars and I'd hate for someone to spend so much money on me and not be able to show anything for it. She ordered it in a 1x, an ambition I was hopeing to fill my Christmas. I'm definitely a lumpy 2x right now and I'm so scared I won't get there and everyone will feel bad for me.

I agreed to go for the track this afternoon with the intention of getting 2 miles in, but my mind just wasn't having it and my body was agreeing. Sure, I'm tired from working my body so hard all of a sudden, but I was letting what I thought in my head get away with bringing me down. I needed my mind to defeat itself. It's complicated.

In the end I did 1 lazy mile around the track, huffing and puffing and complaining the whole time. I had a shoelace malfunction that I used as a good reason to take a not-yet-needed breather. When I forfeited after 1 mile, I felt like a huge failure. A feeling that hung with me all night, while I showered, changed, pick-up, ate (a rather large) dinner, did my laundry, watched the biggest loswer, etc. My sister wasn't buying all my "I'm Fine"'s and keep asking we what my deal was. I couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't.

She challenged me to come home and get on my elliptical, make up for what I didn't do earlier today and maybe re-kickstart my motivation. I was like, "Yea, sure."

But then a funny thing happened. I came home, dumped out my laundry, changed into my workout clothes, and decided to work out. I knew that one of my biggest problems was setting weight time limits for myself and giving up when I knew I could go further, so I covered the clocks before I got on. I set up an Itunes playlist that lasted about 23 minutes, and just got going.

My legs hurt, there was sweat in my eyes, my breathing was unsteady and sometimes gaspy. Every once in awhile my knee would give out. After 3 songs I got off and stretched my legs and, feeling curious, checked the clock. I had gone for 14 minutes. My best time ever. After a tiny bit more stretching I figured, what's another 6 minutes? I got back on the elliptical and finished.

When I was done, sweaty, shakey, I did 16 sit-up and drank my weight in water.

I'm still shaking from the workout. From the pure addreneline I'm running on.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

Daily Post #17

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: A pretty hefty salad.*
Dinner: Egg white omelet, 2 pieces turkey bacon, 1 piece toast w/ quince jam.*

Exercise: 2 miles at the track. (see next post for actual exercise)

I'm feeling particularly meh today so exercising at all was an accomplishment. Generally when I feel like this I nurse it with a nice stack of Pringles and maybe some cheese.

*It was almost all good veggies (some grilled chicken, pices of back olive excluded) but it was pretty huge. I found myself wondering if you could gain weight from eatng too many vegetables. I mean, considering I used to eat total shit about 24/7 a big salad is better than...a big bag of chips?

** Breakfast for dinner! 'Nuff said.

As the scale hasn't been moving lately, I felt inclined to try on a couple pairs of pants this morning to see if there was any give at all. To my suprise my pants DO seem to fit a little better. They're less snug, the ugly pouchy thing is a little smaller, and there's less spilling out over the sides. Sweet deal!

For anyone who's counting, I mentioned chips twice in this post. Am I pmsing or what?

Daily Post #16

This is redundant, sure, but I sort of look forward to it every day. It's keeping me accountable.

Breakfast: Slimfast
Snack: Kashi bar (140 cals)
Lunch: 1/2 Can of tuna, 1/2 tbsp mayo, 1/2 tbsp relish
Snack: 3 Pepperoncinis (5 cals)
Dinner: Salad with Caesar dressing on the side

Exercise: 2 milewalk/jog at the cemetary. It kicked my ass. Two miles at once is hard for me, but in a hilly environment, it's really rough.

ETA: After a very boring 3 hour class, I needed to move around a little. The Sister and I went for a 1.25 mile jaunt. I jogged .25 of it without stopping, plus a little more in intervals.

I got a spiffy new watch today at Walmart as I needed something with a stop-watch feature so I could track how long I'm out there pounding the pavement. It's pink and sleek and lights up for those dark dreary days when I'm out dragging my big ass around a track (today).

Found out I'm going on a mini-trip with the sister and mom on Thursday and I'm interested to see how that goes when it comes to food and exercise. Will I bite the bullet and go for a walk/jog in an unfamiliar place with the chance of being seen by people who aren't buried six feet under the ground? Will I be able to handle the possibility of eating several meals in a restraraunt? I'm up for the challenge. I mean, it's not like I'm going to stop my life just because I'm eating better and moving my self around a little more. Isn't that supposed to be the point of all this? Living healthier?

Daily Post #15

Monday Weigh-In: 244.2

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Apple, light yogurt
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 2 mile walk/jog at track (40 minutes)

I jogged a quarter of a mile without stopping tonight. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fast. But I did it. Huzzah!

Daily Post #14

Brunch: Leftover steamed veggies & chicken with steamed rice
Snack: Fruit cup
Dinner: Lean Cuisine
Snack: Regular oatmeal, 1/2 C milk, a few raisins

Exercise: 5 measly minutes on the elliptical

Low key, quiet day. Giving my muscles the day off.

Conquer the Elephant

Every time I exercise I feel like this:



I had this incredible thought tonight while I was jogging along: even if I don't lose weight doing this, I sure do love to jog.

My muscles are achey from a good workout and my tummy is satisfied from a successful adventure to a Chinese restaraunt.

A good day.

Fat Reading

A few weeks before I got on this kick I ordered a bunch of Fat Girl books. I went on a Fat Girl Book binge. I think I was trying to kick start my motivation by reading about a bunch of successful Fat Girls and convincing myself that I was "one of them".

So far I've read through 3 of them, and started a fourth. The fact that I'm working out more and eating better might lead people to believe that they served their purpose of getting me going. But really, they've left me more conflicted and confused when it comes to how I feel about Fat as a concept.

First, I read The Fat Girls Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker. It was pretty feel good, and certainly empowering in the fact that it's very quick to say fat is okay and not the end of the world. This was sort of refreshing, to hear that fat isn't the end all be all of life. If your fat your life isn't over. Well okay. But is Fat really okay? This is a debate I've had with myself a million times: could I be just as happy fat as I could be skinny? Should I be okay with being fat because it can be more empowering than being skinny? Am I wasting my time trying to lose weight because, hey, I'm great just the way I am?

Next, I read Tales From The Scale by Erin J. Shea. A book separated into sections that cover just about every angle of being fat. From the gain to the workout to the sex (or lack there of) to the losing to the maintaining. This book was a mixture of self-acceptance and ass kicking. Women of all sizes who worked hard to shed some pounds and are leading a better life for it. Does this contradict what Fat Girls Guide to Life was trying to teach me? I've got one source telling me to love my fat, work my fat, be proud of who I am, and another saying Work hard! Lose the weight! Your life will be better!

Now, completely conflicted, I picked up The Weight-Loss Diaries by Courtney Rubin. This poor chick makes weight loss seem so boring that I want to kick her in the ass and tell her to get over it. She's not really obese, she's living a successful life, and letting her fat get in the way of that. I think maybe she should read Fat Girls Guide to Life and get a more positive outlook. Her obsessive behaviors and thoughts might echo everything I've ever felt but it wallows in such a way that makes me feel crappy about myself and not in the I Fee Bad So I Should Change sort of way.

Last night I started reading I'm Not the New Me by Wendy McClure. It's funny, it's realistic, it's a fat girl who is fat and is living with it and is trying but isn't banking on it being the key to happiness and success. I'm only about eight chapters in, but after the mess that was my previous book it's great to read about someone who reminds me of me.

So where does this leave me? Maybe I read too much. Maybe I'm looking too hard for a buddy through a book. Why is Fat such a complex and crazy subject? Why can't we just lose weight without analyzing it and obsessing over every little thing? Is wanting to be sort of mindless about food a weird aspiration? Should I care less? Should I care more?

I don't think there are answers to any of my questions.

Daily Post # 13, or, The Scale Rules All

Weight: 244.8 (no change, but I'm expecting my TOTM any second now.)

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Fiesta Soup!
Snack: Fruit cup
Dinner: Hot & Sour Soup, Steamed veggies, 1/2 C white rice, 1 spare rib, half a spring roll.

Exercise: 1 mile walk this morning, 1 mile walk/jog tonight

I'm not going to lie, seeing the scale not move at all this morning was a little disheartening. I know it shouldn't be because "the scale is just a number" and all that but... it means something to me. Its sort of a validation of my aching muscles.

While I don't want to do this, I think I'm going to stop looking at the scale every morning and only check it once a week. If I feel good for losing .2 pounds a day imagine how great it'll feel when I step on the scale at the end of the week and it says I've lost 3, 4, 5 pounds?

The only thing I'm worried about is that I sort of use the scale to tell me how things are going. It lets me know how my body digests things, if I'm holding on to some water, what exercise can do. Every change I make in my lifestyle becomes reflected in the number. If it doesn't say what I want it to, then I know I need to alter some area in my life.

I know this makes it sound like The Scale Rules All but right now I'm enjoying it as a tiny little compass. Why do I make decisions based on it? Because my scale can tell me whether I'm obese or not, or whether I'm just overweight, or maybe right on target. There are days where I wish those bright red numbers meant nothing to me, but they do.

So weekly weigh ins? I'll give it a shot. I'm perfectly happy about saying no to food temptations, but the temptation to weigh may be even harder to resist.

Gracefully and Grandly

I got my new shoes this afternoon! The shoe saleswoman was completely annoying, being all analytical of my feet from afar. She glanced at them and remarked "You have low arches, and a wide foot. In fact, your whole foot is thick!". Thanks, lady. But I'm loving my new kicks. Took those babies for a little spin this evening and, despite the cranky blister on my right pinky toe, all was well. A fine investment indeed.

Also, the first compliment from an outsider has taken place. "You look like you're losing weight" says my grandmother, and I'm surprised because usually it takes more than 2 weeks for someone to say something. I try and rationalize that maybe the last time she saw me it was on one of my gigantoid days when I would bounce back and forth between the high 250s and the low 260s. I guess if she saw me then and saw me now it could look like I've lost up to 20 pounds.

Note to self though: I need to find a more graceful way of accepting the compliment and moving on. I always come off mumbley and rude and awkward. One of those areas where I still have some growing up to do I suppose.

Another successful day. Each one makes me feel a tiny bit more confident that this time will be "the time". It is true that I have never worked this hard. It is true that I have never been committed. It is true that this time I have an amazing support system in my sister. It is true that this time I am being more cautious, more humble, more realistic. I am only one body.

Daily Post # 12

Weight: 244.8

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad (leftovers from last night)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 30 minute mix of yoga/pilates at 9:30, 1.something mile walk/jog at 10, and a mile long walk/jog later tonight. I'm a beast! Grrr!

Food posts are now daily posts as I'm doing them daily and they always seem to contain more than just what I ate. So be it.

I woke up this morning, bright and early, not feeling too shabby after my first time jogging in about seven years (freshman year in high school). The thighs and the butt are a bit creaky, but nothing that a little stretching wouldn't relieve. Peed, weighed myself, did a little dance, and got down to doing some yoga/pilates.

My own motivation astounds me. I complain less every day.

I'm hoping that today I can get some new running sneakers as mine pinch my little toes and cause blisters that make it hard to run and make me all kinds of sad. Here's hoping my parents will want to chip in a few bucks for them!

Get Into The Groove

I'm in search of some good upbeat music to work out to. I've recently discovered that I can't watch tv while I'm exercising because it distracts and bores me to the point where I give up on working out and end up planted back on my couch.

So far I've got these lined up on my Itunes:

Venus Hum - Montana
All-American Rejects - Move Along
Ben Lee - Catch My Disease
Early November - I Want To Hear You Sad
Format - Tie The Rope
Format - The First Single
The Burnside Project - Cue the Pule to Begin
Jacks Mennquin - Bruised
Ben Folds - Fired
Metric - Combat Baby
Metric - Wet Blanket
Say Anything - Alive With The Glory of Love
Stars - Set Yourself on Fire
That Dog - Long Island
Rhett Miller - Four Eyed Girl
Madonna - Jump
Madonna - Hung Up

Most of these aren't really workout type music, but I refuse to listen to music I don't like just because it's got a fast beat. It's a principle I live by.

Suggestions?

Food Post #11

Weight: 246.2

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Lean Cuisine
Dinner: Salad with the regular fixings, sans dressing & croutons, and half a Smart Ones Choloate Mousse.

Exercise: The Sister and I went for a walk. We did two teeny little jogs and walked the rest, for a total distance of 1.3 miles.

ETA: We ended up going for another walk/jog later tonight. 1 mile, and this time I jogged a little more! Twice in one day! Unheard of. I think I might like running. That is until I wake up tomorrow and I can't move.

I wish I had something not-stereotypical to say about my current weightloss adventures. But what can I say that hasn't already been said? Sometimes I miss food, but I'm dealing with it. I don't like to exercise, but I know I need to so I try and give it a shot. I'm sleeping better and these crazy headaches I used to get have disappeared completely. I'm a little bloated because I'm going to start my period soon. I wish my pants would just fit better already. The fact that I still have 111 pounds to lose is overwhelming so I try not to think of it that way. Right now my mini-goal is to get past 223, my last recorded low weight (sometime around the beginning of Februrary this year - yes, I gained thirty pounds in less than a year).

As if you haven't heard all that before.

Food Post #10

Weight: 247 (I assume it'll start slowing down any second now)

Breakfast: 1 C Skim milk, Nonfat yogurt
Lunch: Slimfast
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 10 min Elliptical (almost killed me. So.Out.Of.Shape.)

I hadn't had just straight milk in a glass in such a long time. I'd forgotten how much I like it. Also, I've found the Lean Cuisines that I like and can now look forward to eating then. Sante Fe Style Rice and Beans and Beef Teriyaki Lo Mein. Yum.

I have a ton I want to write about but no time now. Later hopefully.

Food Post #9

Weight: 248

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Fiesta Soup! (always warrants an exclamation mark)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 10 minutes elliptical

I would like to note that it's not even 10 AM and I am exercised (sure, only 10 minutes, but that's better than nothing!), showered, fed, dressed, and ready to go!

This might not seem very impressive as most people are already at work, but just a few weeks ago I would still be sleeping at 10. And even then, I would get up and watch ER reruns before I finally got my act together around 2 PM.

This is huge! I feel great! Woo!

I am a big dork.

Food Post #8

Weight: 249.6 (woo! 240s!)

Breakfast: Granola, skim milk
Lunch: Granola bar (I forgot my actual lunch at home. Sad.)
Dinner: Chicken, peas, potatoes (Went to my parents to drop something off and they fed me as usual)

Fat Math

BMR: 1944.25

BMR * 1.2 = How many calories it would take to maintain my current weight

1944.25 * 1.2 = 2333.1 (a day)

2333.1 * 7 = 16331.7 (a week)

12311.7 - 7000 = 9331.7 (total deficit per week if eating 1000 calories a day)

9331.7 / 3500 = 2.6 pounds a week lost.

If I was to keep this up until November 5, 2007 the total loss would be 135.2 pounds.

If I lost 135 pounds, I would weight 115 pounds. I don't want to be that small, but I'm leaving wiggle room for indulgances and little things that life throws at me.

Could it be as simple as this? You know, theoretically speaking?

Food Post #7

Weight: 250.6

Breakfast: Granola, skim milk
Lunch: Tuna (with lt mayo & relish - comes to about 210 calories)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 10 minutes elliptical

The Fat Girl

So I'm laying in bed reading Tales from the Scale, a collective book consisting of stories form six different women of different sizes, backgrounds, etc, what it dawns on me that maybe this is what I'd going to be like forever.

I was reading the chapter called "The Fat Girl" where each author tells the reader about their Fat Girl personas. One likens hers to Mimi from the Drew Carey show, anothers is named Betsy and undermines her every move. While these women have lost weight and are now marveling in how freaking awesome it is to wear a belt, they say that their Fat Girl is still tagging along, whispering in their ear, putting them down, asking for more fries.

So it dawns on me. Even if I manage to pull this off and lose 100 pounds, - a hugely overwhelming notion - will I always have a Fat Girl lurking in the shadows? By eating myself silly, avoiding exercise, hiding from myself with food, did I send myself down a path that will haunt me for the rest of me life? If I do succeed, will I just be a Fat Girl in disguise?

As much as I look forward to being healthy and thin, I find the idea that I can say I was ever this fat so depressing. I wish that I wasn't a person who would ever be able to say "I used to be fat". I wish it wasn't a part of me. I wish I didn't feel inclined to read books like The Fat Girls Guide to Life and The Weight Loss Diaries. I wish I didn't want to be part of the community of women who're working on their fat; working to accept it, transform it, or both.

I wish my life had never been about this. But it is. I don't want to spend the rest of my life terrified of food, always totally mindful or every bump of flesh, pucker of skin, or stretch mark.

I feel a little bit doomed, and definitely scared. The odds are against me in this one, but I keep on putting chips down, hopeing this time I've got the winning hand.

Cravings

Thi is going to be the most pathetic post ever. Ever. Ready?

I miss food. I do. It's been less than a week and I'm already missing the thrill of a tasty bag of chips, or crackers. I miss meat. Last night I fell asleep thinking about BBQ Lays Chips and Pepperoni & Sausage Pizza (because apparently I have the cravings and appetite of a fraternity brother). My mouth was literally watering! What is that!?

Luckily I was just about asleep so it wasn't a situation where I was about to go order a pizza and sit in bed waiting for it (oh man, wouldn't THAT be a fat moment). But what if this happens at two in the afternoon? Am I going to be strong enough to say no and drink a huge glass of water to curb the hunger?

Is it even hunger that I'm feeling when I crave these foods? Is it my body missing the fats and oils? Is my body addicted to these foods even though my mind knows they are bad for me? I'm starting to believe it is. If I didn't know better I'd say my body would be perfectly happy eating pizza everyday, completey oblivious of it's size and cozy in it's warm lardy coat. But my head says no because "Won't clothes shopping with a tiny body be more fun than eating fried chicken all by yourself?" It probably will.

These cravings have actually led me to think about doing some sort of "eat next-to-nothing but wicked healthy when alone but eat normal amounts of whatever everyone else is eating when with others". The restrictive non-restrictive diet. I don't know. I'm trying to work out what works for me.

Food Post #6

Weight: 250.8

What I planned one eating:

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: 2 C Veggies
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

What I actually ate:

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Lean Cuisine
Dinner: 1 beef teriyaki, 1.5 pieces of fried haddock, 3 onion rings, 3 chips ahoy thin crisps

Food Post #5

Weight: 250.8

Breakfast: Fat Free Yogurt
Lunch: Leftover Caesar salad
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Today I'm going to try to be better about water. I don't drink nearly enough.

Cautiously Enjoying A Good Mood

I've only been "eating better" for about 4 days now and I'm already seeing differences.

This morning I was wide awake at 8:00. That never ever happens. I'm usually a sleep in kind of girl, like, a few weeks ago I would sleep until quarter to eleven and that was totally acceptable. I was getting almost 11 hours of sleep a night. Who does that?

Also, I have mad energy. I feel more motivated to get things done. To do my homework, clean my apartment, do my laundry, help out my mother.

In short: I just feel better.

I'm not getting too excited about it yet. Everytime I start a diet new way of eating I get this push in the beginning that's like "hey! this feels good. I should do this all the time!" and remind myself to keep this feeling in my head. Inevitably I'll indulge and then decide since I've already cheated I can keep indulging.

Not this time, baby. I've got my head in a better place. If I mess up, it's just that, a mess up. Not the end of the world. As if people at healthy weights don't have a cookie every once in awhile.

So, I need to be realistic. Realistic and patient.

Food Post #4

Weight: 251

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Fiesta Soup! (tomatoes, chicken broth, spinach, tons of veggies, taco seasoning, a little bit of cheese, a thin slice of bread w/ margarine)
Dinner: 1 italian breadsticks, Ceasar salad (lite ceasar dressing, lettuce, tomatoes, green/red/orange peppers, pepperoncinis, black olives, grilled chicken, parmesan)
Snack: SmartOnes cookie thing

I realize no one cares what I eat. I post this only for my peice of mind.

Food Post #3

Weight: 251.8

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Apple
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

To further prove my morphed body image: I had to edit the last entry because I'd posted my weight as 152.8 rather than 252.8. Whoops.