Daily Post #67

Calories in: 1200(ish?)
Calories out: 3206
Difference: 2006

I can't even explain the crazy party that manifested in my living room tonight.

And I had the worst restaurant food of my life.

But I'm too tipsy to relate just now, so I'll save it for the AM.

Thank you all for the wonderful comments! You have no idea how great it is to come home to such encouraging words.

Daily Post #60

Calories in: 1220
Calories out: 3350
Difference: 2120

Tomorrow is New Year Eve, a holiday that is marked, in my mind, as a holiday for getting smashingly drunk and counting backwards. I know alcohol is pretty awful as far as calories go, so I'm kind of tentative about how to handle the situation. My friends, when given a good opportunity, are quick and happy drinkers and I'd like to join in on the fun. I'm afraid I'll be too calorie-concious to enjoy the night.

So what is the compromise? Do I eat very little during the day so I can drink all night? Or do I eat normal and drink normal and end up far less intoxicated than my guests? I know that option number two is the "mature" thing to do, but dammit I'm twenty years old!

- - - -

Yesterday the sister and I took my end of the month progress photo. We had taken pictures several months ago in an attempt to kick-start a diet, but it never worked, and when I started this whole thing we used that photo as a "Before" and now take a picture near the first of every month.

Taking this picture is absolute horror to me. I hate looking at the old picture of myself almost as much as I despise looking at the new ones. While I am smaller in the most recent photo, I still feel like such a huge mass of person. I try and keep it in perspective that it's only been two months, and this should be motivation to keep going, but seeing how big I am in an undeniable format just depresses me. I know in 6 months I'll be glad I have the photos, but right now it's such a downer.

Also, my family is all over seeing these pictures. It weirds me out. And everyone knowing that I'm taking these pictures makes me terrified of failing and having to explain to people what went wrong. Maybe this is what The Biggest Loser contestants feel like. With the whole world watching, it's pretty hard to let them all down.

Daily Post #59

Calories in: 1030
Calories out: 3400
Difference: 2370

I've been getting a lot of really amazing compliments about my weight loss in the last few days. All from my family (and somehow comments from people who know you're dieting just aren't as sweet as those from the unaware), but nonetheless welcome feedback to the last 2 months. I'm told that I'm doing a great job, that it's really starting to show, to keep up the good work.

While I am thrilled to be getting these comments from my loved ones, my highschool friends, who I just saw for the first time in 4 months, said nothing. I was sort of surprised, since the response from my family had been so outward and dramatic.

This all sounds so terribly vain, but I wish for once my group of friends would give me some attention. This is really a friend issue more then a weight issue, so I'll leave it for elsewhere. Just a little frustration and at a time where frustration can be at its most destructive.

This is the point where I give up, this is the point where I dive head first into a slow-cooker of meat balls and won't lift my head again until next October when I start the whole fiasco all over again. Everytime I lose about 25ish pounds I seem to hit a wall. And for some reason I am always at my most sensitive in the months of January/February. If I'm going to make it this time, I need to make it through the next two months without getting too hard on myself.

Daily Post #56

Calories in: 1496
Calories out: 3414
Difference: 1919

Went to TGI Fridays with an old friend from highschool and indulged in their Tuscan Chicken Melt with Fire Roasted Red Pepper Soup. Of course, I can't find the exact nutrition info for that, so my calories for today are estimated. I wish I hadn't eaten so much.

I made cookies for her and she forgot them here. They're going directly in the trash. I won't have a bite. I swear.

Daily Post #50

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3645
Difference: 2545

Today turned out to be an all-day baking experience. Instead of buying gifts for my closest friends, I decided I would bake some cookies, put them in a nice box and call it good. Little did I know that the cookies I chose to make, pinwheels, take a really freaking long time to make. First you make the dough, then let it chill for an hour. Then you spread on a jelly or some other tasty treat, and let it chill for two more hours and then you bake them. It took me like 4 hours to make 3 dozen cookies.

Plus, making cookies provides a series of obstacles one must face when baking. Do you snack on the unused batter? Can I sneak a little of the jam? Does it count if I put the batter in my mouth, just to taste it, and then spit it out? I get to try a cookie right? Cause you can't give out cookies without making sure they're tasty first.

Because I have zero cooking supplies I did the baking at my mothers. She had to leave at one point to take the little bro to the DMV and I was left alone in an empty house with all of my childhood habits looming. It's strange, when I'm at my own home I have no temptations and feel pretty easy in my independent role as adult, but as soon as I step through the doors of my childhood home, I revert back to being 10 years old. I want to sneak food. I'm curious how much I could get away with without anyone noticing. How much can I eat before someone comes home? There are 20 cookies in the jar...will anyone notice if 4 go missing? I sipped a diet coke and watched a soap opera, all the time praying someone would come home and distract me from my stubborn inclination to binge. I was alone for about 2 hours and managed to keep myself in life. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel safe, when it comes to food, in that house. This, I think, is a therapist topic.

I did have one cookie, but whatever. I worked out a lot today, so I don't have guilties. The cookies I made for my friends are safe in my car for quick delivery and to keep them out of my house - just in case.

A Few Points

Last night I hung out with some old friends, one of whom has lost approximately 60ish pounds in the last 2 years. I was stunned to see that although it was 11:00 at night, my friend was heating up leftovers from Thanksgiving and chowing down. She finished the container of leftover turned with a sigh and said "There. Now it won't be here tomorrow." I guess she lets herself pig out every once in awhile and it sort of shocked me. I know she's not doing the crazy fitness nut thing that I'm currently in to, but her blatant binge was sort of awkward for me. I don't really know how to talk to people about their weight, and it's too bad sometimes because I feel like this friend of mine and I could have a lot to say to each other, and could be really supportive if we chatted about it once in awhile.

I was so good at Thanksgiving yesterday. Not only in my food choices, but also in not being ashamed of my healthy choices, not being persuaded into eating things I didn't want, and not being embarassed that my family knows I've started jogging. I was sort of quiet at one point, watching the parade or the National Dog Show (I want a french terrier so bad now), and someone asked me what was wrong. My mom replies "She's hungry." Which I was, and my aunt goes "I'm not suprise she's hardly snacking at all!" This anti-snacking thing was really the biggest accomplishment of the day because that's where I tend to lose my mind. I was even seated next to some scallops wrapped in bacon and decided to let myself enjoy the aroma and pass up on the taste. I felt better for it. Also, I feel it should be noted that I was exhiled to the kiddy table this year as an involuntary baby-sitter and this will not be tolerated next year.

Maybe most importantly, I think my knee is a little, well, fucked. I guess the drwback of jogging when you're 240+ pounds is that all that weight is bouncing along on my fragile little knees and they're starting to rebel. My body has gone through a series of strange yet expected injuries since starting jogging a few weeks ago. I've had about 4 blister, all on the same foot, I've had cramps, I've had sore calves, sore thighs, sore shins, and now, sore knees. Today was the first day I really coneceeded to the pain and took it down a notch. I did a mile on the treadmill, with half of it being jogging, and then plomped down on the recumbent bike and pedaled five miles. I want to step it up, but I need to find exercise that's low impact on my knees before I hurt myself and end up moving backwards.

I have this dirty little habit that sneks up on me every so often: I'm a social smoker. When I can afford a pack of cigarettes I'll buy them, and then it's smoking for about 4 days until the pack is gone and I wait until I have another spare 5 dollars (there's no such thing) and get a new pack. I never smoke more than a pack a week, but still. Not neccesary. I really should just cut it out before I become a full-blown smoker. I guess you could say its pretty ridiculous to work as hard as I'm trying to work at the gym in the morning and spend the rest of the day puffing away. I'm working on it.

Note to self: you're not drinking enough water. Get on that.