#132 The Great Big Return Part One

Hmm. Well that didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would.

My pants are getting tight again and I'm noticing some puffiness here and there and a general sense of low morale. Actually, I'm pretty unhappy, so I need to get back into an uber healthy schedule to get that seratonin pumping again.

I'll explain everything tomorrow...I'm still trying to formulate a plan in my head.

Till then....

#127 Life is Hard

Thank you all for your comments on my last frantic sob-story of a post. I've calmed down some since then and am trying to get a grip. Food was much better today and I'm trying to find better ways to deal with the current stress I'm under.

So, here's the deal.

Last week my apartment building was sold. The building had been owned by my family for about a billion years and when my great-grandmother died her kids (my grandmother included) decided they didn't want to deal with tenants and put the building up for sale. Then, without telling the tenants anything, the building changed ownership and the next thing I know my rent has been quadrupled and I have about 3 weeks to come up with a security deposite and next month's rent which is now more weekly then I was paying monthly. So, I've been trying to find a new apartment and it's becoming more and more clear to me that I just can't afford to live on my own anymore. With no roommate prospects in the very near future, my only option is to move back home. Which I will be doing some time in the next two weeks.

I have three weeks of school left before I graduate. With the end of the semester comes finals and all the big gross projects and it's really the last thing I have on my mind right now since I have to pack up my life and move with barely any notice. A professor of mine had asked me to take on this pretty huge project and now I'm feeling guilty about having to tell him I just don't have the time to take it on right now. I wish that I could do the project because it would be so awesome to have it for my portfolio, but I just can't wrap my head around something extra when I'm barely finishing up the normal curriculum.

I need a job. Desperately. My parents don't seem very stressed or worried about the face that I'm unemployed and basically living off of them, but it really doesn't sit well with me to be so dependent on them. The only thing I want in my life right now is some independence and now I have to move back into their house - the exact opposite of being independent as far as I'm concerned.

My sister and her husband are in the same boat I'm in. Strapped for cash and now looking for a new place to live with not nearly enough time to do it properly. They're looking for a house and while I wish them the very best and hope they find an awesome home, I am so incredibly sad that my sister is moving away from me. She is the person I call when I'm freaking out, the only person who will drop everything for me and show up with a bottle of wine and some laughs if it's what I need. I'm really having a hard time dealing with the thought of being so far away from her.

The plan right now is to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, then I'm going to come home and email my resume all over the damn place. After that I'm going to start going through my stuff and throwing out as much excess as possible.

I promise this is the last whiney post I'm going to throw up here for awhile. Life kind of smacked me in the face this past week, but I'm trying to deal as best I can.

#126 How The Mighty Fall (195.2)

I'm so upset right now. This week I'm house-sitting for my grandparents while they're out of town and I've been really really bad about food. It's strange how being alone and out of your element can really throw you for a loop. I thought I'd be able to handle myself amongst the cookies and brownies and pastas and every other delicious morsel that is tucked away at my grandparents but I'm doing about as bad as a person can do. How bad? Eating tacos like I'm some kind of speed eating champ, eating giant bowls of pasta with tons of meatballs, more ice cream then I think I've ever consumed, too many brownies to count, little pieces of chocolate here and there, and a whole mess of cheese and crackers.

When I weighed myself Saturday morning I was 191 pounds which would have marked this as a really amazing 4+ pound loss week, but no. I had to go to my grandmother's house and in the span of less than 2 days I was back up to 195. I feel like such a failure. Who gains four pounds in less than two days!?

I guess I can get over only losing .2 pounds this week, but I'm pretty terrified that I've lost whatever I had that was making me do so well. You know - motivation & will-power. I left my grandmother's this morning and came back to my apartment - just to get away from the food for awhile. As soon as I got home I sat down on my couch and just burst out sobbing. I feel awful. Just when I thought I was winning this battle I realize that when faced with a real challenge I might not do as well as I wish I could.

I have to go back there tonight, to a dark house that's full of nothing but trigger foods. If I don't write again before Friday, you should assume that I have drowned in a gallon of cranberry cheesecake ice cream.

#121 A Cold, Blustery Day

Things are pretty quiet (translation: boring) around here lately. I haven't really been busy with anything specific, but I feel like I'm constantly on the go. At the same time I feel completely bored with everything right now. I'm suffering from an ennui that I can't pinpoint. It's a combination of senioritis and my basic human needs not being met.

It started snowing this afternoon, the last snow of the season according to my grandfather the human almanac, which derailed any plans for going to the gym today. I didn't really mind since I was hesitant to go anyhow due to a blister a bit bigger than a quarter on the instep of my right foot that has basically progressed into a hole of sensitive, sore, new skin. It is gigantic. I had to use one of those massive band-aids that are usually saved for road rash just to cover it up.

Food was kind of weird for me today. I'm not sure if it was the gross weather or just a blah day, but I wasn't hungry at all for the first half of the day and then once 4:00 hit I was completely famished. I ended up going to the grocery store and picking up some beer and a rotisserie turkey breast (because I'm a fraternity brother? I'm not sure.) and picked at that this evening. Not exactly the most nutritiously concious day of eating, but what are you gonna do? I guess the plus side is that when you're dieting you can totally get buzzed off of one beer. Excellent.

Right now I'm going to do my best to fight off the impending tryptophan coma and strap on my sneakers to do some work on the old elliptical (which my dad fixed for me yesterday! The joy! The rapture!). I know I said in the paragraph above that I had a beer buzz, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to operate the equipment without doing too much damage. Hopefully.

Shout out to my April partners: Amber, Christy, and Cory!

#119 The Illusion of Control

As I do most Thursday nights, I went over to my sister's for dinner and to do my five billion loads of weekly laundry. Tonight we made tacos with all the fixings and since I'd picked up the ingredients we used turkey instead of beef. I purposefully "forgot" to buy sour cream. I didn't use any cheese. But I did have two tacos. And then afterwards I had a tiny piece of chocolate.

On seeing me grab the chocolate my sister asked me if my willpower was gone. I sat there, chocolate melting on my tongue, thinking about her questions. Does the fact that I'm eating this chocolate right now indicate that I've lost some of my ability to say no to "bad" foods?

What she said sort of made me angry and scared all at once. My gut reaction was to get defensive and pout, doubting myself and my motives. I'm a bad person I thought to myself, I'm so weak for eating that chocolate. And that's when I started getting scared. If I'm suddenly beating myself up over a little piece of chocolate, then maybe I've taken my willpower a little too far.

I do worry some times if my intense calculation of my calories and the anxiety I experience when I eat something I don't know the value is starting to creep towards the edge of eating disorder. I don't think I've gone that far yet - I definitely eat all the time and it never comes back up - but sometimes, when I'm stressing out over the numbers on the nutrition label, I wonder if I'm taking this a little too seriously.

This sounds kind of hypocritical given my entry like a day ago about feeling like I had some control over food. But now I feel overbearing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see food as just something to eat that fuels my body for a little while and not like some item in a game show where if I exceed a certain number I lose (or gain, so to speak).

My elliptical being broken isn't helping this much. I'm definitely worried now about getting in work outs and I dread trying to squeeze the gym into my schedule every day. When I first got started I would sometimes work out twice a day, and now I'm trying my best to stick a workout in here and there. I regret not sticking to the Cto5K program like I had planned. I feel a little like I'm hanging on to the tail end of some momentum and I'm losing my grip.

Am I losing my willpower? I don't know. I know I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I know I'm going to be just as obsessive over my calories as ever. I guess I can just hope that these two habits will do their job without driving me insane in the process.

#115 Chasing the White Rabbit (201.8)

Oooh, Onderland is so close I can almost taste it! Today's weigh in yielded a loss of 2.2 pounds, putting me 1.8 pounds shy of my Spain goal. Can I lose 1.8 pounds in five days? Probably. Am I stressing out about it? Not even a little. Back in October I never would have thought it was possible to be almost under 200 by the time I left for my vacation. But alas! Sometimes you surprise yourself.

I had maybe the worst run ever today. Almost as soon as I got to the gym this afternoon my Nano froze and, since I'm new, I didn't know how to reset it (Apparently you just hold the menu and center button at the same time and it resets itself. Good to know. Kind of wish Apple's trendy minimalist directions had mentioned that.). So, I spent most of my workout seriously pissed off that it wasn't working. My anger (and lack of musical distraction) really effected my running. All I could do the whole time was stare at the clock, watching the seconds slowly go by while I huffed and puffed in agonizing silence. Never again will I run without music.

For some reason the bad run left me in such a funk I resorted to getting some pad Thai with tofu at a local Thai restaurant to devour while doing my homework tonight. Not exactly the most healthy meal, but I wanted something I could eat while studying that wouldn't require any kind of preparation. Plus, It's Monday so I've got the whole week to burn it off.

Thanks so much to everyone who left advice at my last post. I've emailed him back and, since I'm leaving the country for a week in 5 days, have bought myself some time to think it over and get to know him a little more. I can't believe how incredibly naive I am when it comes to these things. I'm so socially underdeveloped that it scares me sometimes.

My new partner for March is Carrie! Go visit her blog and tell her she's wonderful!

#111 Metaphorical Body Armor (204.0)

It's Weigh-in Monday here at A Better Year and I'm happy to say I lost 4.6 pounds this week. Thanks to this lovely loss if I'm not under 200 by the time I leave for Spain I should be damn close.

I worry sometimes that I am losing way too quickly. Four month ago I was 50 pounds heavier and it feels almost like I snapped my fingers and found myself a mere four pounds from 200. I feel so lucky that this is working for me when other people seem to struggle week after week. I realize this is an excellent problem to have, losing weight quickly, but I don't want to be one of those women who looses a ton of weight only to bounce right back to where they started.

Mostly, I am so scared of what lies ahead. I've spent a lot of my life thinking that as soon as I was under 200 pounds everything would be different and certain aspects of my life would sort themselves out and I'd be this incredibly happy skinny chick that everyone envied. I am this close to leaving the 200s and I feel completely terrified to venture into unknown territory. I'm worried about losing my identity because being the sarcastic fat girl is what I've always done. I'm worried about gaining some confidence, getting out into the world, and being shot down and not having my weight to blame for it.

I literally feel like I'm shedding my armor and am about to be pelted with all kinds of painful social arrows. I didn't realize that losing weight could be this scary. Hopefully no one hates me for whining about losing weight, it's just that I'm nervous and need to vent and I know I'm going to feel like a jerk the second I post this. Egh.

#107 We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Normalcy (208.6)

A loss this week of .4, an undeserved .4 but I guess I'm lucky like that. I really tested the boundaries with my metabolism this week and I could sort of tell that I was in the back of my mind. I guess you want to see how bad you can be and still get away with it. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, this makes my 200lbs by Spain goal a little far fetched. But, crazier things have happened.

Reasons I only lost .4 pounds this week:

I'm on my period

I had a good sized loss last week

I had a doughnut on Friday (It was delicious)

Drank way too much Saturday night

Buffalo Chicken Salad with REAL Ranch Dressing

I didn't track my calories as closely as I had been

I drank basically no water

I skipped one of my workouts to watch movies on my couch

So! I know what went wrong and I know what I can do to fix it and I'll be doing that all week. Things got off to a great start this morning as I woke up a little earlier then normal and went to the gym. Started Week 4 of Cto5K and had my first set of 5 minute runs this morning. I still can't believe that I was able to do the whole workout without passing out. I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds 4 weeks ago and now I'm busting out 5 minute runs like it's nothing. Well, not nothing, the last one was a little rough but I powered through.

I think I'm going to invest in a stability ball this week. I've been wanting one for quite awhile now but didn't buy one because I doubted my commitment and really didn't want a huge ball mocking me in my teeny tiny apartment. But I think at this point it's safe to say I'm in this for the long haul and would definitely benefit from having one. Via Dietgirl I've been perusing some of the exercises over at trainwithmeonline.com and am itching to try out a few. You know when you're sitting on the couch watching American Idol for like 5 hours a week (seriously, I think it's on for 5 hours this week. It's like a part time job, watching American Idol) and you feel like the time would be better spent if you were doing crunches or something? I think the ball would be a good motivator in that way.

I noticed a disturbing trend in the last week when I sort of loosened up the reins on the diet. I found that I was eating a small breakfast, a small lunch, no snacks, and then a huge lumberjack style dinner. Being that I am a young person I like to go out and now that I'm 21 the prospect of drinking a few Margaritas is always an available option and I noticed that I was squirreling away my calories "just in case" something came up. That ends today. This morning I returned to a normal sized breakfast, am eating plenty for lunch, and will have a nice, normal sized dinner.

What's funny about my unbalanced eating is that now that I've realized what I was doing I feel like I've just dropped 5 pounds of stress from my life. I didn't realize until now that I was really starting to worry about how to have fun and keep my calories down. I kept thinking how can I make it look like I'm not dieting without an explosive amount of calories? When really what I should have been doing was focusing on the fun and not the food/drinks that came with the fun. I'm having such a "Duh." moment. Excellent, glad I've sorted that out for myself.

Daily Post #74, 75

Calories in: 2400
Calories out: 6249
Difference: 3849

Water: 16/16 glasses

Things have been quietly busy over here. I don't seem to be doing much, but I always feel like I'm out doing something. My focus is a little blurry right now, and I'm trying to bring it back in and get my head back into the game. This doesn't mean that I've been cheating or anything, in fact I'm feeling pretty good about the decisions I'm making, but I feel the potential to slip inching up on me and I know if I don't address it I won't be able to overcome it.

Tomorrow is a weigh-in day and, I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous about it. The past few weeks my losses have been smaller and smaller, which I'm worried will slide me right into a plateau. With my morale sagging a little, I could really use a good number, even if that number isn't suppose to be a big deal.

Perhaps I'll feel better tomorrow, after a hard workout, with a clear head.

Daily Post #59

Calories in: 1030
Calories out: 3400
Difference: 2370

I've been getting a lot of really amazing compliments about my weight loss in the last few days. All from my family (and somehow comments from people who know you're dieting just aren't as sweet as those from the unaware), but nonetheless welcome feedback to the last 2 months. I'm told that I'm doing a great job, that it's really starting to show, to keep up the good work.

While I am thrilled to be getting these comments from my loved ones, my highschool friends, who I just saw for the first time in 4 months, said nothing. I was sort of surprised, since the response from my family had been so outward and dramatic.

This all sounds so terribly vain, but I wish for once my group of friends would give me some attention. This is really a friend issue more then a weight issue, so I'll leave it for elsewhere. Just a little frustration and at a time where frustration can be at its most destructive.

This is the point where I give up, this is the point where I dive head first into a slow-cooker of meat balls and won't lift my head again until next October when I start the whole fiasco all over again. Everytime I lose about 25ish pounds I seem to hit a wall. And for some reason I am always at my most sensitive in the months of January/February. If I'm going to make it this time, I need to make it through the next two months without getting too hard on myself.

Daily Post #38

Biggest Loser days always leave me feeling a little...lacking. I know I don't have the time or resources that the people on the show have available to them but I feel like I should be doing more. Believe me, I know that I'm putting in a good effort, but the people on that ranch are going until they drop.

I realize that there were many people who were just as successful at home as those at the ranch, but when I try and push myself a little harder I can'thelp but fee a little...lost.

I'm sure this is just a small blip in my mood and that tomorrow I'll be right back on the "I'm kicking ass!" bandwagon, but right now I feel frustrated.

Exercise: 50 minutes stationary, 10 minutes elliptical, 20 minutes abs, 20 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes sit-ups and what not around the house.

Okay, so when I type it out it sounds like a lot. But, you know. I'm just blah.

Calories in: 1000 (and I had PIZZA today. Need to eat more!)
Calories out: 3800
Difference: 2800

Daily Post #21

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif bar
Dinner: 1 Amy's enchilada, salad

Exercise: 20 hardcore ass kicking minutes on the elliptical. All in a row!

I don't know what the deal is but I'm so tired today. I had a hard time getting out of bed, but once I did I got right on my elliptical to get the exercise over for the day. After a shower and some breakfast I feel ready to go back to bed.

Weekends are such a pain in my ass. It's like I spend the whole day just waiting for my next opportunity to eat.

No More Fat Jokes

Today was a little rougher than anticipated. The first day where I was just not into it. Despitemy cheery AM post, my mood seemed to droop all day. Classes were extra boring and even though I was wearing black pants that didn't fit so well previously I keep thinking in my head "Don't feel too sassy, you still weight more than 240 pounds and everyone can see that."

All day long negative thoughts were passing through my head. How I wasn't good enough, strong enough, I didn't want it enough. I wasn't working hard enough to really do any good and I'd probably end up gaining weight and be agreat failure.

My mother ordered me this adorable dress for the holidays and I'm terrified I won't fit into it. I've never owned anything that cost more than 100 dollars and I'd hate for someone to spend so much money on me and not be able to show anything for it. She ordered it in a 1x, an ambition I was hopeing to fill my Christmas. I'm definitely a lumpy 2x right now and I'm so scared I won't get there and everyone will feel bad for me.

I agreed to go for the track this afternoon with the intention of getting 2 miles in, but my mind just wasn't having it and my body was agreeing. Sure, I'm tired from working my body so hard all of a sudden, but I was letting what I thought in my head get away with bringing me down. I needed my mind to defeat itself. It's complicated.

In the end I did 1 lazy mile around the track, huffing and puffing and complaining the whole time. I had a shoelace malfunction that I used as a good reason to take a not-yet-needed breather. When I forfeited after 1 mile, I felt like a huge failure. A feeling that hung with me all night, while I showered, changed, pick-up, ate (a rather large) dinner, did my laundry, watched the biggest loswer, etc. My sister wasn't buying all my "I'm Fine"'s and keep asking we what my deal was. I couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't.

She challenged me to come home and get on my elliptical, make up for what I didn't do earlier today and maybe re-kickstart my motivation. I was like, "Yea, sure."

But then a funny thing happened. I came home, dumped out my laundry, changed into my workout clothes, and decided to work out. I knew that one of my biggest problems was setting weight time limits for myself and giving up when I knew I could go further, so I covered the clocks before I got on. I set up an Itunes playlist that lasted about 23 minutes, and just got going.

My legs hurt, there was sweat in my eyes, my breathing was unsteady and sometimes gaspy. Every once in awhile my knee would give out. After 3 songs I got off and stretched my legs and, feeling curious, checked the clock. I had gone for 14 minutes. My best time ever. After a tiny bit more stretching I figured, what's another 6 minutes? I got back on the elliptical and finished.

When I was done, sweaty, shakey, I did 16 sit-up and drank my weight in water.

I'm still shaking from the workout. From the pure addreneline I'm running on.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.