#119 The Illusion of Control
As I do most Thursday nights, I went over to my sister's for dinner and to do my five billion loads of weekly laundry. Tonight we made tacos with all the fixings and since I'd picked up the ingredients we used turkey instead of beef. I purposefully "forgot" to buy sour cream. I didn't use any cheese. But I did have two tacos. And then afterwards I had a tiny piece of chocolate.
On seeing me grab the chocolate my sister asked me if my willpower was gone. I sat there, chocolate melting on my tongue, thinking about her questions. Does the fact that I'm eating this chocolate right now indicate that I've lost some of my ability to say no to "bad" foods?
What she said sort of made me angry and scared all at once. My gut reaction was to get defensive and pout, doubting myself and my motives. I'm a bad person I thought to myself, I'm so weak for eating that chocolate. And that's when I started getting scared. If I'm suddenly beating myself up over a little piece of chocolate, then maybe I've taken my willpower a little too far.
I do worry some times if my intense calculation of my calories and the anxiety I experience when I eat something I don't know the value is starting to creep towards the edge of eating disorder. I don't think I've gone that far yet - I definitely eat all the time and it never comes back up - but sometimes, when I'm stressing out over the numbers on the nutrition label, I wonder if I'm taking this a little too seriously.
This sounds kind of hypocritical given my entry like a day ago about feeling like I had some control over food. But now I feel overbearing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see food as just something to eat that fuels my body for a little while and not like some item in a game show where if I exceed a certain number I lose (or gain, so to speak).
My elliptical being broken isn't helping this much. I'm definitely worried now about getting in work outs and I dread trying to squeeze the gym into my schedule every day. When I first got started I would sometimes work out twice a day, and now I'm trying my best to stick a workout in here and there. I regret not sticking to the Cto5K program like I had planned. I feel a little like I'm hanging on to the tail end of some momentum and I'm losing my grip.
Am I losing my willpower? I don't know. I know I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I know I'm going to be just as obsessive over my calories as ever. I guess I can just hope that these two habits will do their job without driving me insane in the process.
Labels: Struggle
posted by Meghan @ 9:39 PM
8 Comments
8 Comments:
I tend to think willpower is something we are constantly working on -it's not really something that can get "lost." At least I think so.
Also, I believe food is meant to be enjoyed, it shouldn't just be fuel for our bodies...but it can be effective during weight loss to train ourselves to think that way.
We should be able to enjoy some chocolate every once in a while without questioning our willpower, right? I hope so.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Before I started losing weight I never gave food a second thought. Now that I am working so hard to lose weight I think about EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth.
I've come to realize that losing the weight isnt just a sprint. There are going to be times where I want to eat chocolate and not go to the gym. I just know that tomorrow is a new day and in the end I will achive my goals.
Enjoy your life, chocolate and all!! I am sure you are so much healthier now than you were before so be proud of that!!
Good luck!
I agree with both of the previous comments. I never thought about calories or anything before I started Weight Watchers. I ate what I wanted and was super unhealthy.
But now its the opposite extreme... I obsess over labels and calories and portion sizes. I never eat something without either a) being proud for choosing the right thing or b) being upset because I ate too much or ate the wrong thing.
But all we can do is work to find a good balance. And thats not going to happen over night. So just hang in there and do a little reality check now and then and I think you'll be ok :)
Your meal sounds fantastic--I think I'm going to put tacos on next week's menu now. But let me get this straight: you eat a well-balanced meal with no cheese or sour cream, then you eat a couple of bites of chocolate, and your sister asks if you're losing your will-power because you let yourself enjoy a couple of bites of chocolate? Um, no. You are taking good care of yourself. You can trust yourself to enjoy a bit of chocolate for dessert. You didn't gorge yourself; you didn't go back for three extra tacos and a chocolate bar. You're not losing will-power just because you enjoy a bit of chocolate. Eating a pound of chocolate you didn't actually want because you were upset . . . or overloading your taco with cheese, sour cream, and other rich foods to the point you felt ill and stuffed . . . those would be bad signs about how you are taking care of yourself. Trusting yourself enough to enjoy a square of chocolate is a small, beautiful joy of life.
When you eat dessert, I completely believe that you should let yourself savor the rich sweetness of what you're having. Dessert shouldn't equal guilt when you've made a conscious choice to enjoy it. Food isn't just nourishment to our body; it's also nourishment to our spirit. People can take that idea and run with it to the point where they abuse food, but recognizing that wanting a small, delicious something is not doing that.
Guess I feel kinda strongly about this, huh? :)
I think you WERE using your willpower. You made good choices. You skipped the cheese and sour cream. You used turkey instead of beef. And the chocolate was "tiny" as you describe it.
I think that all points to sensible choices on your part. No willpower dilemma here!
I think you were USING that willpower to. You gave up a couple of good things, and gave yourself a treat. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, by giving yourself the treats every so often, you avoid binging on them later. And food is meant to be enjoyed. It's something that we should think about, spend some time on, and remember fondly. But you're slight obsession isn't necessarily a bad thing. It will help you to keep control while you are losing your weight, and then you will start playing with your calories more when you are happy with your body and decide to maintain. I think that's when you will find your happy median of being conscious of the calories, but not worrying quite so much over them.
Just remember that this is a journey, and things will change along the way!
Chocolate is good for you! It's full of antioxidants. And one small piece isn't an end of willpower. In fact, treating yourself to just a small treat actually takes a lot of willpower! And it's important to have a treat every now and then to keep from feeling totally deprived. It sounds to me like you did a great job with your meal!
I wouldn't get too stressed over a piece of chocolate - if you craved it I think it was better to have a small piece.
Healthy Eating requires a lot of willpower - you can take this too far I feel though and end up with even worse problems.
We all have to be happy in ourselves and do the very best we can and not judge ourselves when we do "wobble" a little. As long as we are doing our best - we should be proud of ourselves.
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