#123 In Which Life Gets Interesting

First, a happy Easter holiday to all out in blog land. I hope you all had the chance to spend time with your family and eat delicious holiday food and avoid your cousin who smells a little strange. I know I did! I wore the cutest outfit ever to my family's festivities, my favorite part of it being the size 16 jeans that make my butt look fabulous. Hurrah!

The past couple of days have just been a whirlwind. Just as things are coming to a close at school I've been informed that the building I live in is being sold and there's a good chance once the papers are signed I'll have 30 days to vacate. So between pulling together all of my academic stuff, feeling the pressure of needing to find a job pronto, and now apartment hunting I've just been all over the place.

Because of the hectic pace at which things seem to be happening right now my eating hasn't been nearly as strict as it once was. I'm cooking some fish right now which will be the first meal I've cooked at home in over three days. I'm certainly applying the portion size rules and saying a polite no thanks to things I know I shouldn't be eating, but it's hard to accomplish perfection when you're on the run.

I also haven't been working out as feverishly as I once did, for the same reasons. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get my act together and return to the gym and if I'm feeling up to it tonight I hope to get on the elliptical for at least 30 minutes, just to keep up the momentum of working out. I did get in three solid workouts during this past week, and one day I shoveled snow for over an hour which I counted as my exercise for the day since I was soaked with sweat afterwards.

I guess all of this sounds a little like a disclaimer, just in case I don't happen to lose any weight this week. For some reason I'm suddenly not very concerned about the number and I'm more concerned about making sure I get everything done that's planned for the day and trying to get some sleep. Basically, I'm accomplishing my April goal of hanging in there. Things get a little crazy some times so I guess this will be good practice for keeping my weight/health in check in times of mayhem.

Hope everyone's weekend went well!

#112 Pardon My Bipolar

My apologies for yesterday's sobfest. I think I was just having a moment. I'm feeling much better today, strong, confident, ass-kickin' good. I really appreciate the comments that were left for me, it really chilled me out to know that I wasn't completely insane for being a little freaked out about what's going on with me. I remember reading somewhere that weight loss can mess with your hormones, so I'm going to chalk yesterday up to a wonky hormone day.

Did I mention I got my bathing suit in the mail the other day? I had ordered two size, a 20 and an 18, to be safe, and the smaller of the two fit the best (woo!) so that's the one I'll be bringing with me to Spain. I ordered a black cover-up as well, which looks so cute I can hardly stand it. I'm actually beginning to entertain the idea that I might not be totally appalled to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends!

A pretty average day around here. I spent the morning at my parents finishing up my taxes (need that return money to pay for tequila shots!) and then went to my digital imaging class for a few hours. When I got home I hopped right on the elliptical to get my exercise in for the day. My new routine for days that I don't go to the gym is to use the elliptical for 50 minutes (increasing the resistance every 5 minutes until I reach level 6, and then working my way back to 1) and then doing a whole mess of crunches on my stability ball which I have named Paul. Paul the Ball.

For my march challenge I've decided to use Paul every single day. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything crazy, but it would be cool to be able to do these by the end of the month. For the week that I'm in Spain my goal is to stick to the Couch to 5K program. There's a gym at the resort so I'm going to do my very best to get to it three times to stay on track. That week I'll be doing 25 minute runs. Holy crap.

Good luck to everyone on the March challenges! I'm thrilled to see so many of us sticking with this and I can't wait to see where we all are when this challenge comes to a close (or gears up for year two, who knows!). You're all amazing.

#107 We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Normalcy (208.6)

A loss this week of .4, an undeserved .4 but I guess I'm lucky like that. I really tested the boundaries with my metabolism this week and I could sort of tell that I was in the back of my mind. I guess you want to see how bad you can be and still get away with it. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, this makes my 200lbs by Spain goal a little far fetched. But, crazier things have happened.

Reasons I only lost .4 pounds this week:

I'm on my period

I had a good sized loss last week

I had a doughnut on Friday (It was delicious)

Drank way too much Saturday night

Buffalo Chicken Salad with REAL Ranch Dressing

I didn't track my calories as closely as I had been

I drank basically no water

I skipped one of my workouts to watch movies on my couch

So! I know what went wrong and I know what I can do to fix it and I'll be doing that all week. Things got off to a great start this morning as I woke up a little earlier then normal and went to the gym. Started Week 4 of Cto5K and had my first set of 5 minute runs this morning. I still can't believe that I was able to do the whole workout without passing out. I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds 4 weeks ago and now I'm busting out 5 minute runs like it's nothing. Well, not nothing, the last one was a little rough but I powered through.

I think I'm going to invest in a stability ball this week. I've been wanting one for quite awhile now but didn't buy one because I doubted my commitment and really didn't want a huge ball mocking me in my teeny tiny apartment. But I think at this point it's safe to say I'm in this for the long haul and would definitely benefit from having one. Via Dietgirl I've been perusing some of the exercises over at trainwithmeonline.com and am itching to try out a few. You know when you're sitting on the couch watching American Idol for like 5 hours a week (seriously, I think it's on for 5 hours this week. It's like a part time job, watching American Idol) and you feel like the time would be better spent if you were doing crunches or something? I think the ball would be a good motivator in that way.

I noticed a disturbing trend in the last week when I sort of loosened up the reins on the diet. I found that I was eating a small breakfast, a small lunch, no snacks, and then a huge lumberjack style dinner. Being that I am a young person I like to go out and now that I'm 21 the prospect of drinking a few Margaritas is always an available option and I noticed that I was squirreling away my calories "just in case" something came up. That ends today. This morning I returned to a normal sized breakfast, am eating plenty for lunch, and will have a nice, normal sized dinner.

What's funny about my unbalanced eating is that now that I've realized what I was doing I feel like I've just dropped 5 pounds of stress from my life. I didn't realize until now that I was really starting to worry about how to have fun and keep my calories down. I kept thinking how can I make it look like I'm not dieting without an explosive amount of calories? When really what I should have been doing was focusing on the fun and not the food/drinks that came with the fun. I'm having such a "Duh." moment. Excellent, glad I've sorted that out for myself.

#105 Ellipting My Ass Off

My little corner of the world is in lock down right now in anticipation of "the worst nor'easter in several years". Considering Maine hasn't had a real crazy winter in quite a while, I figure the snow is due. It amuses me that so many people around here get so bent out of shape when it's predicted that we'll get some snow. You live in Maine!

The only problem I have with the snow is that the big storm falls on a day that I had planned to run at the gym. If it snows too much I won't be able to go and that'll put me a day behind on my planned schedule. Not a big deal, just puts a little cramp in my style.

For some reason I was really craving some hardcore elliptical work today, so I hopped on my machine for forty minutes before class and forty minutes afterwards. That certainly took care of that craving! I guess with my trip a mere 24 days away I'm feeling the need to crack down and do work. Oh, and my elliptical needs it's batteries replace - I've never used a machine so much that I had to change the battery! Does this count as an NSV? Haha.

I cooked steak for the first time ever today. That was an adventure. My mom sent me home from her place last night with this juicy rib eye and told me to cook it up for myself when I felt like having steak. I hadn't had steak, or beef for that matter, in quite awhile so I gave it a show. I singed one side pretty bad, and overcooked it a little, but it was delicious. I split it into two meals, one where I just ate the steak itself and some soup, and another where I made the steak into a wrap with a whole wheat tortilla and fat free ranch dressing. Yum!

I'm off to cozy up with some tea and American Idol. Hope everyone's week is going well!

Daily Post #100

I've been pretty quiet over here lately, which can only mean that things in my life have been just the opposite. School is in full swing and eats up my entire week. Luckily I'm still finding time to hit the gym as often as possible and will be heading there once I finish this post.

Today is my last day of week 2 on the Couch to 5K program and I'm both nervous and excited to move on to the next week. I'm sure it's going to be like this the whole way through... me being scared that I'm not ready to take that next step. I guess we'll see how today goes before I establish a real opinion about it.

Yesterday I didn't feel much like leaving the house but still wanted to work out. I happened to surf past FitTV while sitting on my couch and decided to give an at-home workout a try. I know a lot of people really prefer to work out at home, for whatever reason, but most of the time I can't stand the idea. I feel foolish going through the motions. So, yesterday I closed the curtains in my living room and did "Kick, Punch, and Crunch Cardio Blast" for an hour. I actually had a lot of fun going through the routine and bouncing around in front of my television. To my surprise, I even got pretty sweaty from the workout! I've never broken a sweat from a workout DVD before - usually because I turn them off before I get to the good stuff.

I doubt the home workout will be something that I do often, and I'll probably just keep it for a back-up option on days when it's too cold to go outside. Plus, you can't hate a workout that allows you to stay in pajamas and socks.

What The Hell Am I Doing?

I've had a couple people ask me what the heck I'm doing to be dropping weight like I am. The short answer is, simply, eating less and moving more. Of course, it's not as simple as that, and if it was we'd all have move star bodies and blogs like this wouldn't exist.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this time is different for me. What changed in the past year that made this possible for me now when I had failed so many times before? After thinking for awhile I realize there are four things I keep in mind every day, that I never thought about too much before.

1. Break A Sweat Every Day. I work out way more now then I ever have before. I try my best to get to the gym 5 days a week, and work out at home one day on the weekends. Sometimes I really don't feel like going, but I do it anyway. Sometimes I feel like cutting it short, but I never do. Also, I'm using the weights as often as I'm doing cardio. I stretch out before and after. I stay hydrated and keep good music flowing on my Ipod. I eliminate as many distractions as I can and then do work.

2. Getting Over Myself. This may be the hardest thing that I have changed, but I've really learned to let go. Gym Fear has plagued me in the past, and was definitely a contributing factor in past gym experiences. Then, one day I just got over it. I worked out my hardest no matter what was going on around me at the gym. I've worked out in front of friends, friend's boyfriends, ex-crushes, family members, and class mates. As soon as I decided to not let what other people might think about me effect what I was doing, my gym visits became more enjoyable and more beneficial.

3. Water, Water, More Water. I'm told that we lose weight through fluids, and I have to believe that that is true. The more water you drink, the better things flow. Every time I drink water I think of it as a water slide for my fat to glide out on. Plus, my complexion is better then it's ever been.

4. Writing Down What I Eat. This is a discipline that I would encourage anyone to try and get in to. It's enlightening to see where your calories come from and to experiment with different kinds of food to create a menu that's filling and also healthy. I eat about 1200 calories a day and have found that over time I've adjusted to eating that amount and even on days that I don't calculate my calories before eating I usually end up around there anyway. I don't drink my calories, and I snack all the time. Maybe most important is that I eat what I want, so long as I account for it somewhere. If I'm going to have a big dinner I'll have a smaller lunch. If I want to indulge in a big breakfast I'll take it easy on my other meals. I believe that the quality of the food you eat will make or break your success.

So, that's what I'm doing. Just truckin' along, applying my principles, eating and sweating. This is what's been working for me...What works for you?

Daily Post #76 (218.8)

Calories in: 1158
Calories out: 3505
Difference: 2347

Water: 8/8 glasses

I'm not sure what I was so freaked out about last night, but weigh in went just fine thank you very much. Down 2.8 pounds this week, landing me in the two-teens! That means that I have lost almost seven of these! I haven't been in the two-teens in years and years and years. Not even in high school, not even the last time I went on a crazy restriction diet. I am elated, and I feel more determined then ever to just DO WORK and get this done. You know, just do it (Thanks, Nike!). Thank you all for your good lucks last night, once I read them I felt better. You all are the best, really!

The weather in Maine has finally taken a turn towards winter. The new ice and snow on the ground presents a couple of problems for me when it comes to fitness. First, I hate driving in the snow and I do it as little as possible. Last year I got in three car accidents in two days because of snow, so you can understand my hesitation to leave the house whenever it gets slick outside. Yesterday when I woke up and looked out the window everything looked good, no snow on the ground, the sky was a little gloomy, but everything looked just fine for me to go out and head to the gym. I took one step out my front door and BAM, slid down my entire front steps, ass first, down to the very bottom. My cousin happened to be outside, salting his driveway and helped me up and over to my sisters where I spent the day whining about my sore booty and cooking cupcakes.

So, the gym didn't happen yesterday which could be the reason for my sour mood last night. I blame my broken butt.

That being said, I did work out today. I finally climbed back on my good old elliptical and cranked out about an hour and then did some ab exercises on the living room floor with my cat jumping all over me. Working out at home is okay, and I'll do it when I have to, but you really can't beat the gym. Who would have thought three months ago that I would be the crazy gym-bunny I've become!?

Daily Post #71

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3629
Difference: 2429

Challenge Day 9: 92/64 oz.

I haven't been sore from working out in a really long time, but today I'm definitely feeling it. My legs ache when I climb the stairs to my apartment and my arms feel like noodles. It's sort of nice to know I'm working hard enough to feel the effects, but at the same time I just feel tired. This makes me wonder about over training, which I know nothing about. Is there a way to tell when you've reached a point where you just need to rest?

Everyone in the challenge seems to being doing so well! You all are so inspiring and helpful and I'm so glad I joined. It's definitely motivating to know that other people are doing what you're doing and you have that support. You guys rock!

Daily Post #70

Calories in: ~1247
Calories out: 3500
Difference: ~2253

Challenge Day 8: 84/64 oz. (I'm kicking ass on my water!)

My calorie count is a little off today, since I'm not sure of the total calories in the fajitas I had for dinner. They were very small, and the box says 320 for two but I don't know if that includes meat and cheese. So it's an estimate. No worries, a little over won't kill me.

I had the hardest time getting to the gym today. I just didn't feel like going. I was so comfortable in my pajamas. But I sucked it up and went, and got a good 1 hour workout in. I even tried jogging again and got through a quarter of a mile before I couldn't breathe. I use to be able to jog so much more, but my damn knee won't cooperate.

A good day overall. Didn't get much done, but that's what vacations are for!

Daily Post #65

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3600
Difference: 2400

Challenge Day 4: ~68/64oz

Sometimes I love coming hom from a night out and hoping on my elliptical for 20 minutes. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it really calms me down and has an unwinding effect for me. Sometimes I'll be pushing away on my elliptical as late as 11:30 at night, just to get that feeling.

What's odd is that y workout in the morning does just the opposite; it gets me going and pumped for the day. When I exercise in the AM I tend to get more done during the day, and have troule loungeing around.

I think it's the peacefulness of working out, showering, and getting into clean pajamas. I feel cleansed and refreshed. I'm so ready for bed!

Daily Post #52

Calories in: 1000
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2468

Went out to lunch and indulged in their mini-burger, which I estimated to be much higher in calories then they actually were. Because of this, I ended up eating very little else today and fell short of my calories.

I suppose this might be a good thing, as I'm sure I'll make up for it in the next two days with the Christmas festivities!

Daily post #49

Calories in: 1118
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2350

Today was the "day off" from the gym which, in my world, now equals 40 minutes on my elliptical at home. I remember not two months ago when I couldn't handle 5 minutes at level one on that machine. Now I'm pulling 40 minute workouts, skipping between levels 2 and 4. My how far we've come.

Taking it easy tonight. I'm currently cooking up some sesame ginger chicken I bought at the grocery store tonight. I'm going to cut it into chunks and put it in a nice salad, with some soup on the side. A perfect dinner for a cold winter night.

Daily Post #44,45,46

For the last 3 days:

Calories Out: 10241
Calories In: 4145
Difference: 6090

Have no fear! My little disappearance does not indicate a wavering in my will to kick my fat in the ass. I've just been so terribly busy. First there were finals, then I helped my mother out with a ton of Christmas related affairs, then haircuts, and eyebrow waxing, and shoe shopping, and wrapping gifts, and MORE finals. The craziness is not yet over, but I really wanted to take a breather and put a little post up here.

I've been doing well. When it comes to food I sometimes get this strange feeling that I've "figured it out". Without any specific plan I've been able to keep my calories at a respectable level but I never feel like I'm starving or deprived. The compulsion to eat is still there occasionally, and peaks it ugly head out at me mostly when I'm bored, but to date I've had no problem keeping myself entertained enough to forget about the routine of eating when I'm bored.

Exercise is going along swimmingly. The days when I get to the gym I leave soaked with sweat, exhausted, and proud. My routine there has been something like 20-30 minutes cardio, 2 sets of 8 on each of my weight machines of choice, 30 minutes fat burn, and then 2 sets of 8 of a couple ab workouts. I get really into workout out, and it's not uncommon for me to stay there for almost two hours if I've got the time.

I don't want to gloat or act like I'm Supreme Queen Of All Things Diet, but I'm feeling pretty happy, confident, patient. I'm beginning to enjoy the act of eating better and listening to my body when it tells me I'm full. I enjoy working out for the adrenaline I get from it, and a little from feeling like I can hold my own in a gym full of big buff dudes. I'm beginning to feel like I'm finding what I love and that wieght loss might just be a happy side effect.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Daily Post #43

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3460
Difference: 2260

My new favorite thing every is to go to the seafood or meat counter at the grocery store and get pre-marinated pieces of chicken or fish. It takes all the work out of it, and I know exactly how much I'm eating. I just pop it into my toaster oven and 20 minutes later I have a super tasty piece of protein. Sure, it costs more than buying a package of chicken breast and going through all the steps to get it prepared, but it saves me in time and frustration, which I think is an even trade.

Snuck off to the gym today without the sister, only because I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I could get on with my day. Finals are stressing me out to the max and I needed to get out of the house and work off some of my nerves. I feel better for having done it.

3 more days and I get my life back!

Daily Post #40

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary, 25 minutes elliptical, Ab routine

Calories in: 1236
Calories out: 3575
Difference: 2339

Going to the gym has become a sort of regular impulse for me. I don't wake up and wonder if I'll go to the gym today, because I already know that I will. It's not that I don't have a choice, it's just that I've already made the decision. I work it into my schedule as a priority. Going to the gym happens the same as going to the post office or the bank, it's an errand I run that just takes a little longer and requires showering.

I'm on the fence about my actual gym though. The staff are nice enough and the patrons have been friendly or mostly keep to themselves. A few days ago a man who was making his way around the gym by doing squats passed by the sister and I while we were doing our ab routine and was cheering us on, really encouraging us to give it our all. Normally I would be horrified that someone was paying attention to me at the gym (I like to pretend I'm invisble and no one can see the sweaty, gasping mess I become when I work out) but I was actually encouraged and worked a little harder.

Something that sort of shocked me though was that last monday as I was leaving they had about 10 pizzas delivered to the gym. They were placed in the waiting area, all hot and cheesy and waiting to be eaten. The smell filled the gym, and my stomache grumbled involuntarily. I;d been so good about staying away from temptation and there it was, in my gym, staring me in the face. What kind of gym supplies copious amounts of free pizza to it's customers? I didn't eat any, of course, but there it was and it astounded me.

The mom, sister, and I are going on another mini-trip this weekend, leaving tomorrow and returning Sunday. I'm getting really good at eating what I want but eating smaller amounts of it, so I feel good about this trip. We'll be gone all day tomorrow so no working out, but back in time Sunday to get in a good gym visit to end the week.

Oh! I wore a pea-coat today that I bought as a sophomore in highschool! With a sweater on! It never fit in highschool, but today I could button it and everything. It was a little lumpy, but nothing that I was embarassed by. I can't wait until I lose a few more inches and it's big enough to wear a bulky sweater underneath with room to spare. Fitting into clothes, so far, has been the best part of this.

Daily post #39

Exercise: 12 minutes stationary, an hour of weight lifting/abs stuff, 20 minutes elliptical

Calories in: 1300
Calories out: 3500
Difference: 2200

This must be the busiest week I've ever experienced.

Daily Post #35

Breakfast: Skim milk, Kashi GoLean, Banana
Lunch: 2 Wheat tortillas, salad, chicken, ff refried beans, very little cheese, salsa
Snack: 2 clementines
Dinner: Tilapia filet, salad
Calories: 1100

Exercise: 52 minutes bike (level 6-7, 30 miles, hill) & 20 minutes elliptical (level 2)

I stepped up my exercise today, which is surprising since my body was feeling worn out and tired today. My head was so into it, wanting to pedal harder, longer, faster, but my thighs and butt were having none of it. That being said, I did more exercise today than I have been.

Tomorrow the sister and I are going to start incorporating weights into our gym trips. The personal trainer gave us a five day schedule with 3 days of weights and cardio, and 2 days of just cardio. I'm excited to get in there and mix it up a little. We did a few ab routines when we met with him and my stomach has been sore since then so I'm excited to get in some exercise that leaves my muscles a little achy. When I hurt a little the next day I feel like I've gotten a good workout.

I'm doing better with food, which is apparent in my little food logs. I'm only having a little trouble trying to eat more but not get so into eating that I go crazy. When I was making my burritos this afternoon I finished the second one and was tempted to whip up another. I knew I didn't need another one, but it's like once I get into eating I don't want to stop. Today was the first day I felt tempted to binge and was able to hold myself back enough to think about why I wanted to binge and then avoid the temptation.

I might be going to Florida with the parents in about two weeks as an unexpected mini-vacation. My sister seems a little weary that with a week of going out to eat and being in a place where I don't have guaranteed gym access I'll drop the ball and return to my bad habits with a vengeance. I acted a little shocked that she would think that, but I know that she's right. A week of being out of my regular environment is a challenge, one that I have failed many times before. Her calling me out like that was exactly what I needed to start getting my head into the mind frame that I'm going to be challenged and I need to be ready to stick to my guns. Bring it on Florida.

I also had a little tiny anxiety that we might go to Disney and I'd be too big to fit in the rides. But that only happens to very large people right? I really want to go on rides...

Sha-Dizzle asked about the table on the right sidebar that I use to track my weight change. If anyone is interested in plopping a table on the site, here's the code:

<table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="1" width="200">
<tr align="center"><td>Date</td><td>Weight</td><td>Change</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td>Enter Date Here</td><td>Enter Weight Here</td><td>Change here</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Total Lost: </td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Weeks: </td></tr><tr>
</table>

To add more rows, just copy the bold line and paste it after that line as many times as you need.

Daily Post #33

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Subway turkey sub, wheat bread, honey mustard
Dinner: Tomato, Basil, Mozzarella Pannini
Craziness: 5 glasses of wine

Exercise: A few half hearted situps

Day two of crazy busy completed.

Daily Post #32

Breakfast: Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal
Lunch: Turkey Soup
Dinner: 2 flour tortillas, some salad, re-fried beans, cheese

Exercise: 20 minutes elliptical

A long, busy day. Tomorrow will be another.

Daily Post #31

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean, skim milk
Lunch: Turkey sub from Subway, no cheese, wheat bread, honey mustard
Dinner: Salad, tilapia
Snack: 3/4 C FF Cottage cheese

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (16 miles, hills, level6), and then I went crazy tonight and did 20 minutes elliptical (1050+ distance, 200+ calories burned, level 1)

I don't know how I did 20+ miles in 45 minutes that one day. I was pedaling my ass off tonight and barely hit 16. Maybe I read it wrong that day. Or was distracted by the JV football team that trains at the same time the sister and I go to the gym. I was sitting next to one on the bike today and he kept glancing over and trying to keep up with my lightning fast pedaling. He was, but he was only on level 1 that cheat!

Last night I settled in and watched Renee Gets Fit's video logs, talking about her food and exercise and the likes and was introduced to the wonderful world that is diet videos via Youtube. There's a plethera of helpful information, tons of inspiring people, and a lot of advice on things like weight lifting and food and diet myths.

Speaking of weight lifting... the sister and I signed up to meet with the personal trainer at the gym (yes, THE personal trainer. The only one. For the WHOLE gym.) to get some advice on how to use the machines to our best advantage. There was only one other name signed up for that particular session (because the personal trainer never meets with just one person at a time - not very personal in my opinion) and I'm pretty sure that person was my 9th grade science teacher. That'll be interesting.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and I yearn for the deep dreamy sleep I was getting the first few weeks on this diet life style change. Part of it is my cat going totally insane from 10 PM to 4 AM and part of it is me just not feeling as rested when I get up. Any have any ideas?

I sort of feel like I need a food overhaul. The way I eat is just messed up. I don't think I'm getting enough calories which is all at once confusing and ironic. On the one hand it's like "Yahoo more calories!" But on the other it's "Ugh more food?". I guess my relationship with food is messed up right now. It's conflicted and boring and scary. It shouldn't be. I don't think Im eating in a way that I could sustain for a very long period of time, like, say, forever. Which just sets me up to be one of the 95% who gain back everything they lose plus more. I can't really afford to buy more food than I'm buying now, so I feel trapped in my choices.

One cannot live on cottage cheese and lettuce alone.