#119 The Illusion of Control

As I do most Thursday nights, I went over to my sister's for dinner and to do my five billion loads of weekly laundry. Tonight we made tacos with all the fixings and since I'd picked up the ingredients we used turkey instead of beef. I purposefully "forgot" to buy sour cream. I didn't use any cheese. But I did have two tacos. And then afterwards I had a tiny piece of chocolate.

On seeing me grab the chocolate my sister asked me if my willpower was gone. I sat there, chocolate melting on my tongue, thinking about her questions. Does the fact that I'm eating this chocolate right now indicate that I've lost some of my ability to say no to "bad" foods?

What she said sort of made me angry and scared all at once. My gut reaction was to get defensive and pout, doubting myself and my motives. I'm a bad person I thought to myself, I'm so weak for eating that chocolate. And that's when I started getting scared. If I'm suddenly beating myself up over a little piece of chocolate, then maybe I've taken my willpower a little too far.

I do worry some times if my intense calculation of my calories and the anxiety I experience when I eat something I don't know the value is starting to creep towards the edge of eating disorder. I don't think I've gone that far yet - I definitely eat all the time and it never comes back up - but sometimes, when I'm stressing out over the numbers on the nutrition label, I wonder if I'm taking this a little too seriously.

This sounds kind of hypocritical given my entry like a day ago about feeling like I had some control over food. But now I feel overbearing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see food as just something to eat that fuels my body for a little while and not like some item in a game show where if I exceed a certain number I lose (or gain, so to speak).

My elliptical being broken isn't helping this much. I'm definitely worried now about getting in work outs and I dread trying to squeeze the gym into my schedule every day. When I first got started I would sometimes work out twice a day, and now I'm trying my best to stick a workout in here and there. I regret not sticking to the Cto5K program like I had planned. I feel a little like I'm hanging on to the tail end of some momentum and I'm losing my grip.

Am I losing my willpower? I don't know. I know I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I know I'm going to be just as obsessive over my calories as ever. I guess I can just hope that these two habits will do their job without driving me insane in the process.

#118 Just Doin' My Thing (197.2)

Oh what a week I've had! The places I've been, the things I've seen, the bars I've single handedly drank. I've been readjusting, getting caught up (well, sort of) in school, and spending time with family and friends. My mother is on a mission currently to become a contestant on Deal or no Deal so I've been helping her with the application and audition video. The picture is of a cake she made for the tape - it's a Deal or No Deal case! It's amazing in person and also very delicious, because yes, I had a bite of that case and it tasted like a million bucks.

Despite the cake - and copious amounts of beer - I weighed in this week at 197.2! Holy crap! Even away for a week on vacation and then another week of just trying to function after my vacation I managed to shed another 4.6 pounds. This lands me solidly in the 100s! A 200 pound girl I shall never again be.

I guess it goes without saying that things are going well with the weight-loss fitness stuff. I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted last week but I tried not to let that discourage me. I feel more confident than ever that food just might not be a problem for me anymore. Somewhere, somehow, I think I made my peace with food and decided that it isn't evil, that we can work together, that I can have a little and it's not a bad thing. I've learned how to make 1200 calories go a very long way and I've never been happier with the way I'm eating. I feel, for the first time in my life, like I get to make the decisions - not my food. This is huge.

As far as the challenge goes... I could be doing better. The forty day challenge has been easy as can be, getting up at 8 isn't a problem anymore and I really enjoy having that extra couple of hours in the morning to do whatever. Eat my breakfast, watch the news, pick up around the house, just be generally productive.

My other challenge, to keep up the Couch to 5K and to use Paul the Ball daily hasn't gone so well. I have been using Paul but not as often as I had hoped and I've all but stopped the Cto5K program. I didn't run at all over vacation and it's like I lost my running mojo somewhere over the ocean. I'm still chipping away at my running times though, progressing very slowly every time I hop on the treadmill. I guess I just lost my enthusiasm for it, so I'm taking it easy on the running. I'm sure, when I get the bug again, I'll get right back on track. I'm still getting in a full hour workout as often as possible (ideally 5 to 6 days a week) so it's not like I'm slacking, just switching it up.

I'm also really behind on reading blogs. I have a test to take tonight, but then, if I don't get sidetracked, I'm going to do my very best to make the rounds. I've been a horrible partner to Carrie this month, for which I apologize. March is whizzing right by me and I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do what I want!

Also, before I forget, Jeannie, I got a letter in the mail today from the USPS that said the envelope I sent your present in was found empty. I'm not sure if the present ever reached you, so let me know and if that's the case I'll see what I can do to rectify the situation. I've never had this happen before! I'll be so sad if it never got to you.

#117 A Fat Rant

Caution: a tiny bit of language, but nothing awful.



While I love the pro-fat essence of this little video, some of the statistics she rattles off startled me. The idea that most people will regain all of the weight they loose in a fairly short period of time freaks me out.

Thoughts?

#116 My Triumphant Return

Well, I'm back from the wild world that was Spain. The details are a little foggy but I can report, for sure, that a better vacation was never had. It was relaxing and adventurous all at once and I wouldn't change a single second of it. I've never been more happy to see my old friends and spend quality time with them doing what we do best drinking, dancing, and debating. We did tons and tons of walking, and the picture to the right shows the Alhambra Palace which was one hell of a climb, let me tell you. The views were well worth it.

It's worth noting that I got the best feedback one could possibly get from them concerning my weight loss. My best gay friend told me several times that I looked just fabulous, and one of his friends that I'd met only once before told me that I looked like a different person - happy and healthy. I was even referred to as pretty once! Woah! We went out one night and a guy grabbed me from my seat and swirled me around the dance floor, accepting nothing less then a dance with me before I laughed my way to the exit. Honestly, I've never felt so good about myself as I did after that night. Someone picked me!

I think all of that has made me feel very comfortable where I'm at right now. I may or may not have gained a pound or two while I was gone, but I'm not really concerned about it. The number seems like such a tiny insignificant thing right now.

That's not to say that I'm so comfortable that I'm going to just hang out here. Now that I'm home I'm back to keeping a watchful eye on what I'm eating and I'm being sure to keep exercise in my daily routine. My first day back at the gym was yesterday and it went okay, with the only bump being that I had a really hard time doing any running at all. I'm not feeling particularly passionate about running at the moment so I'm not fretting, I still worked out hard and know that I didn't slack off which is the real point. I came home to find my cat had chewed through the electrical wires on my elliptical, but my dad thinks he can fix it, so we'll see. I can live without my at home machine but I really don't want to.

I'll be taking photos of my food for the challenge tonight and tomorrow, posting tomorrow night assuming nothing crazy comes up. Still trying to get my life back in order and get my body back on an American schedule.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week! I'll be making the rounds as soon as I get a chance!

#115 Chasing the White Rabbit (201.8)

Oooh, Onderland is so close I can almost taste it! Today's weigh in yielded a loss of 2.2 pounds, putting me 1.8 pounds shy of my Spain goal. Can I lose 1.8 pounds in five days? Probably. Am I stressing out about it? Not even a little. Back in October I never would have thought it was possible to be almost under 200 by the time I left for my vacation. But alas! Sometimes you surprise yourself.

I had maybe the worst run ever today. Almost as soon as I got to the gym this afternoon my Nano froze and, since I'm new, I didn't know how to reset it (Apparently you just hold the menu and center button at the same time and it resets itself. Good to know. Kind of wish Apple's trendy minimalist directions had mentioned that.). So, I spent most of my workout seriously pissed off that it wasn't working. My anger (and lack of musical distraction) really effected my running. All I could do the whole time was stare at the clock, watching the seconds slowly go by while I huffed and puffed in agonizing silence. Never again will I run without music.

For some reason the bad run left me in such a funk I resorted to getting some pad Thai with tofu at a local Thai restaurant to devour while doing my homework tonight. Not exactly the most healthy meal, but I wanted something I could eat while studying that wouldn't require any kind of preparation. Plus, It's Monday so I've got the whole week to burn it off.

Thanks so much to everyone who left advice at my last post. I've emailed him back and, since I'm leaving the country for a week in 5 days, have bought myself some time to think it over and get to know him a little more. I can't believe how incredibly naive I am when it comes to these things. I'm so socially underdeveloped that it scares me sometimes.

My new partner for March is Carrie! Go visit her blog and tell her she's wonderful!

#114 What Would You Do?

I exercised so much today even my hands are tired. It hurts to type. Ouuuch.

But, what I really want to talk about is this strange issue I find myself trying to sort out:

Not too long ago I discovered craigslist and spent endless hours surfing through all the ridiculous postings from people looking for whatever it is they're looking for. While perusing the "Stricly Platonic" category I found a listing that was a little old but made me laugh, so I decided to take a chance and email the guy. We've been emailing back and forth now for a little over a week, about an email a day, and we're really hitting it off (well, as much as you can over the internet). Today I get an email asking if I want to meet up and see a movie.

So what do I do now? On the one hand I'd really like to take another chance and meet this guy since we seem to have so much in common. But then my mind spins into all the "What ifs..." and I end up hesitant and conflicted.

A) What if he thinks I'm ugly? If I was to meet him I would feel the need to send him a disclaimer before hand ("WARNING: The girl you are about to meet is not a size 2. We suggest you take this into consideration before you ask her out.") just so he knows what he's getting in to.

B) What if he thinks I'm boring? I'm incredibly shy in person, I get shakey, and nervous and usually sweat a little and it's all around not attractive or cool.

C)What if he's a serial killer? Perhaps this should be my biggest concern, considering I've only "known" the guy for a week, and even then it's over the internet.

I'm not sure why I keep thinking of it as a date, when I found the listing in the Platonic section, but that's what it feels like (not that I'd know - I've never dated anyone). What if I accept and meet him up thinking it's a date and then he starts talking about his beautiful girlfriend that he forgot to mention? Woe.

I outlined the situation to my best friend, a girl who is an accomplished serial dater, and she suggested I completely ignore the invitation and just keep on chattering away like nothing ever happened. This seems awfully rude to me, and if I had asked him to a movie and he ignored it I'd feel incredibly rejected.

Have any of you met someone online? Do you have any advice? What would you do?

#113 Pigs In The Sky

We got the most disgusting storm ever today. First it snowed and snowed and snowed and then the heavens shot out this tsunami style rain that soaked into the snow and created the heaviest, most annoying sludge in the existence of sludge. Normally I would raise my arms in victory, declare a snow day and settle in for a marathon viewing of the Independent Film Channel. But today I had big plans for a run and weights at the gym, a workout I'd been anticipating all week. The storm was the most evil of dream crushers.

One of the most frustrating things for me right now is not being able to workout when I had planned to. I get this antsy, anxious feeling that makes me want to pound my feet and whine because dammit, I wanted to run today! I was supposed to do my first 20 minute run and had really been psyching myself up (and out) about how I was going to do. Whenever my run times get upped I'm always terrified that I won't be able to do it and then, once I've proved that I can do it, feel a certain amount of smug satisfaction. I pretty much live for that feeling of accomplishment right now and to not be able to run today and achieve something really bummed me out.

It's not really a big deal - I'll just go tomorrow instead - but I hate substituting elliptical at home for the gym. It's just not the same. Sure, Paul the Ball is there, and I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra, and I can watch ER and ogle George Clooney, but I don't think a home workout will ever measure up to one at the gym.

Look at me talking about missing a day at the gym like it's some kind of tragedy. I am a changed woman!