#126 How The Mighty Fall (195.2)

I'm so upset right now. This week I'm house-sitting for my grandparents while they're out of town and I've been really really bad about food. It's strange how being alone and out of your element can really throw you for a loop. I thought I'd be able to handle myself amongst the cookies and brownies and pastas and every other delicious morsel that is tucked away at my grandparents but I'm doing about as bad as a person can do. How bad? Eating tacos like I'm some kind of speed eating champ, eating giant bowls of pasta with tons of meatballs, more ice cream then I think I've ever consumed, too many brownies to count, little pieces of chocolate here and there, and a whole mess of cheese and crackers.

When I weighed myself Saturday morning I was 191 pounds which would have marked this as a really amazing 4+ pound loss week, but no. I had to go to my grandmother's house and in the span of less than 2 days I was back up to 195. I feel like such a failure. Who gains four pounds in less than two days!?

I guess I can get over only losing .2 pounds this week, but I'm pretty terrified that I've lost whatever I had that was making me do so well. You know - motivation & will-power. I left my grandmother's this morning and came back to my apartment - just to get away from the food for awhile. As soon as I got home I sat down on my couch and just burst out sobbing. I feel awful. Just when I thought I was winning this battle I realize that when faced with a real challenge I might not do as well as I wish I could.

I have to go back there tonight, to a dark house that's full of nothing but trigger foods. If I don't write again before Friday, you should assume that I have drowned in a gallon of cranberry cheesecake ice cream.

#124 Trusting The Machine (195.4)

Is time flying by at an increased rate or is that just me? I feel like I just posted a weigh-in a day or two ago, but no, it's been a whole week. Crazy. This morning I weighed in at 195.4, down .6 pounds for the week. Hey, it's a loss so I'll take it.

I've been wondering lately how accurate my caloric calculations are. I'm pretty precise about everything I eat, but there are some things that never seem to make it into the calculations, mostly because I'm usually too lazy to figure out how many calories are in a few sips of something, or a tiny nibble, or one single cracker. Coffee, for example, is something that I drink on occasion but never bother to calculate the creamer because I don't use very much.

As it turns out, my occasional coffee is probably racking up 100-300 (if I have more then one cup) calories because of the creamer.

And what about exercise equipment? Does the calorie counter on the machine have any credibility?

I assume the machines that ask for your weight are more accurate, but even then what do those machines know other then some formula that gives you an approximation. When I do an hour on the elliptical at the gym it says I burn about 850 calories, at home it's 825, on FitDay it's worth 601, and here 1001.

That difference between 1001 calories and 601 is 2 cups of coffee with creamer!

I guess it doesn't really matter in the end, so long as you're doing it and putting in the effort. But for a person who works out those numbers every single day, I'm certainly interested in how accurate those calculations are.

Do you trust your equipment?

#123 In Which Life Gets Interesting

First, a happy Easter holiday to all out in blog land. I hope you all had the chance to spend time with your family and eat delicious holiday food and avoid your cousin who smells a little strange. I know I did! I wore the cutest outfit ever to my family's festivities, my favorite part of it being the size 16 jeans that make my butt look fabulous. Hurrah!

The past couple of days have just been a whirlwind. Just as things are coming to a close at school I've been informed that the building I live in is being sold and there's a good chance once the papers are signed I'll have 30 days to vacate. So between pulling together all of my academic stuff, feeling the pressure of needing to find a job pronto, and now apartment hunting I've just been all over the place.

Because of the hectic pace at which things seem to be happening right now my eating hasn't been nearly as strict as it once was. I'm cooking some fish right now which will be the first meal I've cooked at home in over three days. I'm certainly applying the portion size rules and saying a polite no thanks to things I know I shouldn't be eating, but it's hard to accomplish perfection when you're on the run.

I also haven't been working out as feverishly as I once did, for the same reasons. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get my act together and return to the gym and if I'm feeling up to it tonight I hope to get on the elliptical for at least 30 minutes, just to keep up the momentum of working out. I did get in three solid workouts during this past week, and one day I shoveled snow for over an hour which I counted as my exercise for the day since I was soaked with sweat afterwards.

I guess all of this sounds a little like a disclaimer, just in case I don't happen to lose any weight this week. For some reason I'm suddenly not very concerned about the number and I'm more concerned about making sure I get everything done that's planned for the day and trying to get some sleep. Basically, I'm accomplishing my April goal of hanging in there. Things get a little crazy some times so I guess this will be good practice for keeping my weight/health in check in times of mayhem.

Hope everyone's weekend went well!

#121 A Cold, Blustery Day

Things are pretty quiet (translation: boring) around here lately. I haven't really been busy with anything specific, but I feel like I'm constantly on the go. At the same time I feel completely bored with everything right now. I'm suffering from an ennui that I can't pinpoint. It's a combination of senioritis and my basic human needs not being met.

It started snowing this afternoon, the last snow of the season according to my grandfather the human almanac, which derailed any plans for going to the gym today. I didn't really mind since I was hesitant to go anyhow due to a blister a bit bigger than a quarter on the instep of my right foot that has basically progressed into a hole of sensitive, sore, new skin. It is gigantic. I had to use one of those massive band-aids that are usually saved for road rash just to cover it up.

Food was kind of weird for me today. I'm not sure if it was the gross weather or just a blah day, but I wasn't hungry at all for the first half of the day and then once 4:00 hit I was completely famished. I ended up going to the grocery store and picking up some beer and a rotisserie turkey breast (because I'm a fraternity brother? I'm not sure.) and picked at that this evening. Not exactly the most nutritiously concious day of eating, but what are you gonna do? I guess the plus side is that when you're dieting you can totally get buzzed off of one beer. Excellent.

Right now I'm going to do my best to fight off the impending tryptophan coma and strap on my sneakers to do some work on the old elliptical (which my dad fixed for me yesterday! The joy! The rapture!). I know I said in the paragraph above that I had a beer buzz, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to operate the equipment without doing too much damage. Hopefully.

Shout out to my April partners: Amber, Christy, and Cory!

#118 Just Doin' My Thing (197.2)

Oh what a week I've had! The places I've been, the things I've seen, the bars I've single handedly drank. I've been readjusting, getting caught up (well, sort of) in school, and spending time with family and friends. My mother is on a mission currently to become a contestant on Deal or no Deal so I've been helping her with the application and audition video. The picture is of a cake she made for the tape - it's a Deal or No Deal case! It's amazing in person and also very delicious, because yes, I had a bite of that case and it tasted like a million bucks.

Despite the cake - and copious amounts of beer - I weighed in this week at 197.2! Holy crap! Even away for a week on vacation and then another week of just trying to function after my vacation I managed to shed another 4.6 pounds. This lands me solidly in the 100s! A 200 pound girl I shall never again be.

I guess it goes without saying that things are going well with the weight-loss fitness stuff. I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted last week but I tried not to let that discourage me. I feel more confident than ever that food just might not be a problem for me anymore. Somewhere, somehow, I think I made my peace with food and decided that it isn't evil, that we can work together, that I can have a little and it's not a bad thing. I've learned how to make 1200 calories go a very long way and I've never been happier with the way I'm eating. I feel, for the first time in my life, like I get to make the decisions - not my food. This is huge.

As far as the challenge goes... I could be doing better. The forty day challenge has been easy as can be, getting up at 8 isn't a problem anymore and I really enjoy having that extra couple of hours in the morning to do whatever. Eat my breakfast, watch the news, pick up around the house, just be generally productive.

My other challenge, to keep up the Couch to 5K and to use Paul the Ball daily hasn't gone so well. I have been using Paul but not as often as I had hoped and I've all but stopped the Cto5K program. I didn't run at all over vacation and it's like I lost my running mojo somewhere over the ocean. I'm still chipping away at my running times though, progressing very slowly every time I hop on the treadmill. I guess I just lost my enthusiasm for it, so I'm taking it easy on the running. I'm sure, when I get the bug again, I'll get right back on track. I'm still getting in a full hour workout as often as possible (ideally 5 to 6 days a week) so it's not like I'm slacking, just switching it up.

I'm also really behind on reading blogs. I have a test to take tonight, but then, if I don't get sidetracked, I'm going to do my very best to make the rounds. I've been a horrible partner to Carrie this month, for which I apologize. March is whizzing right by me and I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do what I want!

Also, before I forget, Jeannie, I got a letter in the mail today from the USPS that said the envelope I sent your present in was found empty. I'm not sure if the present ever reached you, so let me know and if that's the case I'll see what I can do to rectify the situation. I've never had this happen before! I'll be so sad if it never got to you.

#110 Challenge Update

It's been awhile since I addressed how I'm doing on the two challenges going on over at 12 Months of Health, Fitness, and Fun. I think that finding the challenge back in late December was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. Knowing I've got other people to check in on and other people popping by to see how I'm doing is a different kind of motivation. The challenge has made me feel accountable for my actions, but not in a scary "Don't mess up!" sort of way, in a comforting "if you fall the landing will be mostly soft" kind of way.

My challenge for February was to get less than 50% of my calories from carbs each day.I looked back through my FitDay log and it appears I've gone over 50% seven times, but never by more then 5%. I'm calling this good. It's incredibly hard to eat fruits without kicking your carbs up and basically impossible to eat a sandwich unless you buy that super expensive (and super stingy) law-carb bread. The only reason I chose this as my challenge for February was to make my self more aware of how my calories broke down. I'm really good about keeping my calories low, so targeting a specific part of my calories was just another way to refine my eating.

On a sort of related note, this afternoon I tried those fancy Fiber One bars that everyone is crazy over. While I'll agree that it is completely tasty, I felt like I was eating a rice crispie square, I don't think it's hearty enough to actually curb any kind of hunger I'm feeling. If you've got a craving for chocolate or something chewy this bar is definitely the way to go, but certainly not if you're looking for some hunger satisfaction.

Anyways, back to challenge stuff. The second challenge, starting just a few days ago was to start getting up at 8 AM in order to better utilize my time during the day. The first morning was really rough, but I got through it because I had an eye doctor's appointment and an oil change scheduled. The second day was a little easier, and because I had no errands I was able to get to the gym around 9:00 and o my run surrounded by the kind, unpretentious senior citizens that populate the treadmills in the mid-morning. This morning I decided that since it was Sunday I would give myself a little break and get up at nine. Sadly, my attempt at cheating was foiled as Chandler (my cat) apparently was under the impression that we get up at 8:00 now and was jumping all over my head.

So the challenges are going well in that they're both serving their purpose of keeping my aware and active. With February just a few days away from being over I've got my mind working on what I want to do for the month of March. I have to keep in mind that I've got a trip coming up, so that'll have to play into it somehow. It seems like I'm cheating myself of a good challenge if I make my mission to just keep on doing what I'm doing so I'll have to think of a way to step it up a notch.

#108 Group Challenge

Michelle has posed a new group challenge to give up something for 40 days in hopes of turning a bad habit into a good one. After reading the posed challenge I was dumb-founded. What can I possibly give up? I feel like I dedicate so much of myself to being healthy already that I was at a loss for something worth giving up.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I don't have too many horrible habits. Sure, I drink an occasional diet soda, once a week I have an alcoholic drink or two and occasionally I eat frozen yogurt. These are hardly things that it would be hard to give up for forty days because, well, they are the normal things in life that keep me from feeling like I'm on some insane diet.

So what am I going to give up? After thinking about it for awhile I realized the only thing right now that I really want to work harder at is getting more done in the day. I've decided for the next forty days I'll get up at 8:00 every morning. No more sleeping in until 10 every day, no more eating breakfast at 11:00 AM. I think this is totally doable and I'm actually kind of excited to see how I do. I used to be an early riser but my current schedule allows for copious amounts of lazy. Maybe with the extra time I'll even be able to step up my workouts!

The trouble I had thinking of something to change got me thinking about how much I've already given up. There's a conversation going on at sparkpeople about people's worst food confessions. Reading through them I could relate to almost every single one. My worst food was always starchy things like pizza and chips. Near the end of this past summer I would buy a bag of sour cream and onion ruffle chips (the big bag, you know, for a whole family)and eat the whole bag. Or buy an entire frozen pizza and challenge myself to eat the whole thing - really! It was like a contest with myself to see if I could eat it all and usually I'd get about 3/4 of the way through before I had to slow down for a bit to make some room. I always finished the whole thing. In the pizza eating contest, I was always the winner.

What are your worst food confessions? If you've given them up, do you miss them? What have you substituted for that food, if anything?

#105 Ellipting My Ass Off

My little corner of the world is in lock down right now in anticipation of "the worst nor'easter in several years". Considering Maine hasn't had a real crazy winter in quite a while, I figure the snow is due. It amuses me that so many people around here get so bent out of shape when it's predicted that we'll get some snow. You live in Maine!

The only problem I have with the snow is that the big storm falls on a day that I had planned to run at the gym. If it snows too much I won't be able to go and that'll put me a day behind on my planned schedule. Not a big deal, just puts a little cramp in my style.

For some reason I was really craving some hardcore elliptical work today, so I hopped on my machine for forty minutes before class and forty minutes afterwards. That certainly took care of that craving! I guess with my trip a mere 24 days away I'm feeling the need to crack down and do work. Oh, and my elliptical needs it's batteries replace - I've never used a machine so much that I had to change the battery! Does this count as an NSV? Haha.

I cooked steak for the first time ever today. That was an adventure. My mom sent me home from her place last night with this juicy rib eye and told me to cook it up for myself when I felt like having steak. I hadn't had steak, or beef for that matter, in quite awhile so I gave it a show. I singed one side pretty bad, and overcooked it a little, but it was delicious. I split it into two meals, one where I just ate the steak itself and some soup, and another where I made the steak into a wrap with a whole wheat tortilla and fat free ranch dressing. Yum!

I'm off to cozy up with some tea and American Idol. Hope everyone's week is going well!

#103 - Food Porn

This weekend has posed it's own gauntlet of challenges. I knew I had to get in two workouts since I'd skipped a workout on Tuesday, and had some trouble convincing myself that working out on weekend wasn't such a bad thing. Eventually, after much procrastination I put on my big girl panties and just went to the gym. Twice. So workouts happened.

Then, yesterday, I had two dinners. Let me explain, it was planned that The Sister and I would go out that night to get some drinks and an appetizer to share, so when I went to my parents for a dinner visit, I was sure to keep my portions on the petite side. Mom served up some Seafood Florentine, pulled pork, homemade bread, and something called Napa Salad which is basically an Asian salad with ramen noodles and some kind of tangy dressing.

When I arrived at my sister's she wasn't feeling very good, so we decided to call off the night out and stay in for the evening. Due to a lack of options we made our own version of KFCs "Famous Bowls" with corn, mashed potatoes, chicken, and gravy. Again, I kept my portion at a nice amount, but if I'd known what was about to happen I wouldn't have eaten anything at all.

Since we were already in and she'd just received some Netflix we decided to throw an impromptu Movie Night Extraordinaire. She phoned up her brother in law asking him to come over and bring some movie snacks. I piped in that I'd like some Mike & Ike's and figured I'd nibble a few and call it good. Easier said then done.

Here is a short list of what he brought with him: Movie Buttered Popcorn, Twizzlers Cherry Bites (2 boxes), Charleston Chew Minis (2 boxes), Airheads (2 boxes), I large bag of peanut M&Ms, Chocolate covered pretzels, Lifesavers Gummies (2 boxes), Mike & Ikes (2 boxes), and snowcaps. Keep in mind this was for four people to enjoy. Four people! We each made our own bowl of selected treats and when I peered down into my bowl it looked like something Willy Wonka might have regurgitate. A smorgasbord of sugary bliss. It was a child's greatest dream fulfilled. Oof.

So, with all that being said, it should be interesting to see how the weigh in goes tomorrow. I've probably never consumed so much sugar in my entire life, and I'm not even sure how my body handles sugar as it's something I don't eat a whole lot of very often.

I guess I should note that the whole night was a lot of fun, which is totally the point, but man. No one ever warned my about that sort of situation popping up. They don't teach you how to deal with that kind of thing in health class.

What The Hell Am I Doing?

I've had a couple people ask me what the heck I'm doing to be dropping weight like I am. The short answer is, simply, eating less and moving more. Of course, it's not as simple as that, and if it was we'd all have move star bodies and blogs like this wouldn't exist.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this time is different for me. What changed in the past year that made this possible for me now when I had failed so many times before? After thinking for awhile I realize there are four things I keep in mind every day, that I never thought about too much before.

1. Break A Sweat Every Day. I work out way more now then I ever have before. I try my best to get to the gym 5 days a week, and work out at home one day on the weekends. Sometimes I really don't feel like going, but I do it anyway. Sometimes I feel like cutting it short, but I never do. Also, I'm using the weights as often as I'm doing cardio. I stretch out before and after. I stay hydrated and keep good music flowing on my Ipod. I eliminate as many distractions as I can and then do work.

2. Getting Over Myself. This may be the hardest thing that I have changed, but I've really learned to let go. Gym Fear has plagued me in the past, and was definitely a contributing factor in past gym experiences. Then, one day I just got over it. I worked out my hardest no matter what was going on around me at the gym. I've worked out in front of friends, friend's boyfriends, ex-crushes, family members, and class mates. As soon as I decided to not let what other people might think about me effect what I was doing, my gym visits became more enjoyable and more beneficial.

3. Water, Water, More Water. I'm told that we lose weight through fluids, and I have to believe that that is true. The more water you drink, the better things flow. Every time I drink water I think of it as a water slide for my fat to glide out on. Plus, my complexion is better then it's ever been.

4. Writing Down What I Eat. This is a discipline that I would encourage anyone to try and get in to. It's enlightening to see where your calories come from and to experiment with different kinds of food to create a menu that's filling and also healthy. I eat about 1200 calories a day and have found that over time I've adjusted to eating that amount and even on days that I don't calculate my calories before eating I usually end up around there anyway. I don't drink my calories, and I snack all the time. Maybe most important is that I eat what I want, so long as I account for it somewhere. If I'm going to have a big dinner I'll have a smaller lunch. If I want to indulge in a big breakfast I'll take it easy on my other meals. I believe that the quality of the food you eat will make or break your success.

So, that's what I'm doing. Just truckin' along, applying my principles, eating and sweating. This is what's been working for me...What works for you?

Daily Post #85-89 (213.6)

Calories in: 5980
Calories out: 16068
Difference: 10088

(Numbers above are for the last 5 days.)

I can't believe it's been five days since I last wrote here. I never realize how busy school makes me until I start missing my vacation habits, like writing in here. Luckily I've been exercising consistently, and still eating pretty well. This last week I ate a lot of foods that I consider okay once in awhile (cheeseburgers, french fries, fast food salads, candy, spaghetti & sausage, bacon, orange juice) so it doesn't surprise me that I only lost 1.2 pounds this week, putting me .8 pounds from 40 pounds lost. My portions were all responsible, but the quality of the food, and the benefits of eating those foods, are far less then when I had been eating.

This week it's back to eating like a nutrition conscious being. Salads and grilled chickens, fish, yogurt, low-cal soups, lots of veggies and fruit. And water! I've been slacking hardcore on water as I've apparently re-discovered my love for diet Dr.Pepper. Not awful, but not good.

I'm thinking of re-vamping my gym program to avoid the touch of boredom I've been feeling. The most recent post at angryfatgirls got me thinking that I've been doing the same old same old for awhile now and it may be time to step it up a notch. I'm not much of a runner, but I was thinking about trying The Couch to 5K Program. I definitely feel the need for a challenge as I did 40 minutes on my home elliptical on Saturday and was bored and disappointed (and thrilled, all at once) with how easy it had become.

Daily Post #72

Calories in: 993
Calories out: 2993
Difference: 2040

Water: Not so good, a very busy day

We have a little market in town that I visit occasionally for fresh produce. I don't go there very often since I usually do my groceries in one fell swoop and this place only have fruits and veggies,no meats and limited dairies. My mom and I went this afternoon and I got green peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, onions, grapes, apples, and pears. Everything came to under ten dollars! Wowza, I think I need to go there more often.

This afternoon I made this recipe to bring over to The Sisters. I do my laundry there every Thursday and she usually makes me a nice dinner while I'm there so I thought I'd return the favor. While it isn't inherently Diet Friendly I've decided not to sweat it. I think every food is Diet Friendly so long as you eat it properly. Besides, this isn't a diet. Right?

I think that's the best thing about the way I've been eating. I haven't been depriving myself of anything that I want. Every indulgence I feel I deserve I give myself, but in a responsible portion. Maybe that's what's different about this time around, usually I swear off bread, or chocolate, or everything remotely tasty, and this time I'm eating, well, normal. I know that this is a long term thing I'm trying to do and there's no way I can live my life without the occasional cheeseburger.

Somehow, I feel like I've discovered a dieting secret. Or maybe just finally understood one that was in front of me all this time: Moderation.

Daily Post #68

Calories in: 1610
Calories out: 3605
Difference: 1995

Challenge Day 7: 68/64 oz

I had my final Christmas gathering this afternoon. For some reason one side of my family can never seem to get it together until a few weeks after Christmas. It's sort of become a tradition to wait until we're mid-January before we all get together. Because of this event, I ate about 400 calories over my usual today and I blame it on an unneccesary scoop of dip, and a piece of corn bread. Or maybe on the liquor that was flowing freely.

I heard one cousin say "I need to lose 20 pounds by August", another say "Today I'm going to pig out, and then tomorrow, it's back on the diet!" and another replied, "Yea, I'm on the "C" diet. If I see it, I eat it."

Then there was the illicit pizza eating of this evening. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have gone near these things with a ten foot pole.

I'm hitting the gym early tomorrow to try and kick things in my life back up a notch. I feel my patterns getting redundant and I'm ready to shake things up and get going again. I have school things to sort out, resumes to perfect, an apartment to clean, and tons of errands to make. I'll think of it as part of the new lifestyle, the more I'm out getting things done - the less I'm sitting at home watching VH1.

The 'Fridge Challenge

The folks over at the challenge are all posting pictures of the insides of their refrigerators, and I finally got around to snapping some shots of mine. There isn't ever much in my fridge since I live alone and don't work. I only buy what I need and I only shop when I'm completely out of things to eat. It's the college student way!


The Sad Insides

On the top shelf we've got my tiny jug of milk. I'm not a big milk drinker, but I do have some with my cereal in the morning. Next to that, some margarine and fat free cottage cheese. Next we have some fresh veggies made into a salad, some carrots, a bag of green grapes, low fat cheese, and some celery.

Second shelf is my party shelf! Light cranberry juice, a bottle of Midori, a lot of really bad beer, and some super cheap vodka (all stuff left over from a New Years party). I hardly ever drink so that stuff will be there forever. I have some soy eggnog left over from the holidays (I've only had one glass of it. It probably isn't good anymore.) and an orange juice container that I use to keep cold water on hand.

The bottom shelf has more salad and a sad little sweet potato, just waiting to be eaten. No picture of what's in the bottom drawer since it's empty.


Door O' Condiments

In the door I have your general condiments; mustard, ketchup, bbq sauce, and a few different salad dressings. The top shelf also has a big jar of sour pickles - my secret weapon for killing cravings.

The bottom shelf has salsa, pepperoncinis, more salad dressing, an open can of soup, and a huge bottle of aloe for all my cuts and burns. I'm sickeningly white so I sizzle like bacon in the summer, so yes, all that aloe is neccesary :)


Freezer of a Single Girl

In the freezer I have very little. Next to the (empty) ice cube trays is some frozen yogurt (B&J's Cherry Garcia - I don't really like it), and chicken from the meat counter. Next to that are bags of frozen veggies (broccoli, mixed, and butternut squash). To the far right is a whole chicken that was on sale at the store for two dollars (score!) that I'll use to make soup or add to a salad, and about a bajillion freeze pops left over from this summer. No picture of the door, since there's nothing in it.

I just realized the alcohol to food ratio in my fridge is kind of whacked. I swear it's not always like that!

Daily Post #52

Calories in: 1000
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2468

Went out to lunch and indulged in their mini-burger, which I estimated to be much higher in calories then they actually were. Because of this, I ended up eating very little else today and fell short of my calories.

I suppose this might be a good thing, as I'm sure I'll make up for it in the next two days with the Christmas festivities!

Daily Post #50

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3645
Difference: 2545

Today turned out to be an all-day baking experience. Instead of buying gifts for my closest friends, I decided I would bake some cookies, put them in a nice box and call it good. Little did I know that the cookies I chose to make, pinwheels, take a really freaking long time to make. First you make the dough, then let it chill for an hour. Then you spread on a jelly or some other tasty treat, and let it chill for two more hours and then you bake them. It took me like 4 hours to make 3 dozen cookies.

Plus, making cookies provides a series of obstacles one must face when baking. Do you snack on the unused batter? Can I sneak a little of the jam? Does it count if I put the batter in my mouth, just to taste it, and then spit it out? I get to try a cookie right? Cause you can't give out cookies without making sure they're tasty first.

Because I have zero cooking supplies I did the baking at my mothers. She had to leave at one point to take the little bro to the DMV and I was left alone in an empty house with all of my childhood habits looming. It's strange, when I'm at my own home I have no temptations and feel pretty easy in my independent role as adult, but as soon as I step through the doors of my childhood home, I revert back to being 10 years old. I want to sneak food. I'm curious how much I could get away with without anyone noticing. How much can I eat before someone comes home? There are 20 cookies in the jar...will anyone notice if 4 go missing? I sipped a diet coke and watched a soap opera, all the time praying someone would come home and distract me from my stubborn inclination to binge. I was alone for about 2 hours and managed to keep myself in life. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel safe, when it comes to food, in that house. This, I think, is a therapist topic.

I did have one cookie, but whatever. I worked out a lot today, so I don't have guilties. The cookies I made for my friends are safe in my car for quick delivery and to keep them out of my house - just in case.

Daily post #49

Calories in: 1118
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2350

Today was the "day off" from the gym which, in my world, now equals 40 minutes on my elliptical at home. I remember not two months ago when I couldn't handle 5 minutes at level one on that machine. Now I'm pulling 40 minute workouts, skipping between levels 2 and 4. My how far we've come.

Taking it easy tonight. I'm currently cooking up some sesame ginger chicken I bought at the grocery store tonight. I'm going to cut it into chunks and put it in a nice salad, with some soup on the side. A perfect dinner for a cold winter night.

Daily Post #48 (230.4)

I had a Biggest Loser style weight loss this week of seven pounds! I could practically hear Caroline Rhea's super sonic voice screaming "You lost seven pounds!" in my ears.

But, and not to be all Debbie Downer, my scale keeps telling me it's batteries are low and I wonder how accurate the number could possibly be. I'll have to stop at the store and pick up a new battery and face the music tomorrow. I did have a few days this week where I felt good - where good = thinner - so I guess it's possible, but seven pounds is kind of hard to believe*.

Calories in: 1140
Calories out: 3370
Difference: 2230

Today, after working out, I decided to try tanning to see if it was something I could get in to. It was also sort of a Twenty Pounds Lost treat to myself too. I was terrified at first that I would break the bed because I weigh so much, or that it would collapse on top of me and I would be squished/burned to death like the girls in Final Destination 3. But everything went fine, I didn't die, and I think I'd do it again. I'm going to see how much my gym fee would increase if I added on tanning.

I ate dinner in such a way tonight that it felt like bingeing and it scared me. Heated up some steamed broccoli, then ate two tangerines. After that I heated up some oatmeal and sprinkled in a few raisins. When I was done with that I ate an ice cream sandwich. It ended up being about 500 calories, but since I hadn't eaten much all day, it worked out fine. I seem to build up a kind of momentum when I'm eating sometimes and have to take a step back and breathe. What's the hurry?



* I changed the battery this evening and weighed myself again before dinner. The number checks out. Woo!

Daily Post #44,45,46

For the last 3 days:

Calories Out: 10241
Calories In: 4145
Difference: 6090

Have no fear! My little disappearance does not indicate a wavering in my will to kick my fat in the ass. I've just been so terribly busy. First there were finals, then I helped my mother out with a ton of Christmas related affairs, then haircuts, and eyebrow waxing, and shoe shopping, and wrapping gifts, and MORE finals. The craziness is not yet over, but I really wanted to take a breather and put a little post up here.

I've been doing well. When it comes to food I sometimes get this strange feeling that I've "figured it out". Without any specific plan I've been able to keep my calories at a respectable level but I never feel like I'm starving or deprived. The compulsion to eat is still there occasionally, and peaks it ugly head out at me mostly when I'm bored, but to date I've had no problem keeping myself entertained enough to forget about the routine of eating when I'm bored.

Exercise is going along swimmingly. The days when I get to the gym I leave soaked with sweat, exhausted, and proud. My routine there has been something like 20-30 minutes cardio, 2 sets of 8 on each of my weight machines of choice, 30 minutes fat burn, and then 2 sets of 8 of a couple ab workouts. I get really into workout out, and it's not uncommon for me to stay there for almost two hours if I've got the time.

I don't want to gloat or act like I'm Supreme Queen Of All Things Diet, but I'm feeling pretty happy, confident, patient. I'm beginning to enjoy the act of eating better and listening to my body when it tells me I'm full. I enjoy working out for the adrenaline I get from it, and a little from feeling like I can hold my own in a gym full of big buff dudes. I'm beginning to feel like I'm finding what I love and that wieght loss might just be a happy side effect.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Daily Post #43

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3460
Difference: 2260

My new favorite thing every is to go to the seafood or meat counter at the grocery store and get pre-marinated pieces of chicken or fish. It takes all the work out of it, and I know exactly how much I'm eating. I just pop it into my toaster oven and 20 minutes later I have a super tasty piece of protein. Sure, it costs more than buying a package of chicken breast and going through all the steps to get it prepared, but it saves me in time and frustration, which I think is an even trade.

Snuck off to the gym today without the sister, only because I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I could get on with my day. Finals are stressing me out to the max and I needed to get out of the house and work off some of my nerves. I feel better for having done it.

3 more days and I get my life back!