#127 Life is Hard

Thank you all for your comments on my last frantic sob-story of a post. I've calmed down some since then and am trying to get a grip. Food was much better today and I'm trying to find better ways to deal with the current stress I'm under.

So, here's the deal.

Last week my apartment building was sold. The building had been owned by my family for about a billion years and when my great-grandmother died her kids (my grandmother included) decided they didn't want to deal with tenants and put the building up for sale. Then, without telling the tenants anything, the building changed ownership and the next thing I know my rent has been quadrupled and I have about 3 weeks to come up with a security deposite and next month's rent which is now more weekly then I was paying monthly. So, I've been trying to find a new apartment and it's becoming more and more clear to me that I just can't afford to live on my own anymore. With no roommate prospects in the very near future, my only option is to move back home. Which I will be doing some time in the next two weeks.

I have three weeks of school left before I graduate. With the end of the semester comes finals and all the big gross projects and it's really the last thing I have on my mind right now since I have to pack up my life and move with barely any notice. A professor of mine had asked me to take on this pretty huge project and now I'm feeling guilty about having to tell him I just don't have the time to take it on right now. I wish that I could do the project because it would be so awesome to have it for my portfolio, but I just can't wrap my head around something extra when I'm barely finishing up the normal curriculum.

I need a job. Desperately. My parents don't seem very stressed or worried about the face that I'm unemployed and basically living off of them, but it really doesn't sit well with me to be so dependent on them. The only thing I want in my life right now is some independence and now I have to move back into their house - the exact opposite of being independent as far as I'm concerned.

My sister and her husband are in the same boat I'm in. Strapped for cash and now looking for a new place to live with not nearly enough time to do it properly. They're looking for a house and while I wish them the very best and hope they find an awesome home, I am so incredibly sad that my sister is moving away from me. She is the person I call when I'm freaking out, the only person who will drop everything for me and show up with a bottle of wine and some laughs if it's what I need. I'm really having a hard time dealing with the thought of being so far away from her.

The plan right now is to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, then I'm going to come home and email my resume all over the damn place. After that I'm going to start going through my stuff and throwing out as much excess as possible.

I promise this is the last whiney post I'm going to throw up here for awhile. Life kind of smacked me in the face this past week, but I'm trying to deal as best I can.

#120 Baby Got Back (196)

Weigh-In Monday and the scale is bouncing all over the place. I got several different numbers and after averaging them out landed on 196lbs for the week, which makes a 1.2 pound loss for the week. Not too shabby considering my spark has been a little dull these past few days.

My parents recently gave me some of my baby stuff. My first haircut hair, a few pieces of jewelry, and a calendar that my mom filled out during my first year. Most of it isn't that interest, things like "Rolled over!" or "Went to the beach with cousins!", but there was one that caught my eye. July 24th, 1986 I had a doctor's appointment and written under the doctor's name and time of appointment is one little word: "overweight".

Ironically, my mom also recorded a lot of what I was eating that year. The week before I was determined to be "overweight" I had beef, ice cream, and french toast with maple syrup for the first time. I guess it was all down hill from there.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being overweight at five months old. When I pointed it out to my parents they laugh and then my dad said "If we'd known what was going to happen we would have put you on a diet right then." Would that have been the appropriate thing to do? Probably not. But that one word, right there in my baby calendar, pretty much summed up my physical state for the next twenty one years.

It also makes me realize what I'm up against. In trying to lose weight I'm working against everything my body has ever known. It sounds sort of strange, but it's like trying to start all over again from scratch. A physical re-birth if you will. I've got this blog and Fitday as my calendar this time around, and all over it are metaphorical stickers and notes: "First 1 mile run", "First time under the 200s", "First blister", "First muscle pain from lifting weights", "First attempt to eat responsibly". I can't wait to look back on this years from now and say "Yea, that was a good year."

Daily Post #79, 80

Calories in: 2349
Calories out: 6535
Difference: 4186

School started back up this week, and with that and my mom's surgery I've been more then busy. I'm still keeping things in check though, exercising as often as possible, and eating sensibly. I'm sort of functioning on auto-pilot when it comes to this weight loss stuff lately, which isn't a bad thing, but it more of a maintenance strategy then one to lose weight. Ah well, sometimes life gets in the way.

My mother's surgery went better then anyone expected it to. She has a history of having pretty serious complications whenever she has surgery (which is way more often then I can even begin to explain right now) but this time she pulled through like a champ. I went and visited her in the hospital on Thursday night and she was up and talking, watching TV, eating. I brought her home from the hospital yesterday and she was itching to start baking and do the laundry. She bounced back like it was nothing, and she'd had surgery on her spinal cord less than 48 hours before. The woman blows my mind.

Thank you all so much for your kind words in my last post. I haven't sorted things out with my brother just yet, but I did talk to my sister about it and we both feel we need to talk to him about the things he's been saying lately about everyone wanting him to be fat. I'm sure it'll come to a head eventually, and hopefully we can enlighten him to the proper way to deal with emotional stress.

I hope everyone out there in blog world is doing well! I haven't had much of a chance to read blogs lately, but hope to catch up on it this weekend. Congrats to Michelle on her Biggest Loser call back, I know we're all rooting for you!

Daily Post #77, 78

Calories in: 2733
Calories out: 6937
Difference: 4204

Water: Not so awesome, but not awful.

I'm glad I went to the gym before I went over to my parents tonight, because I know if I had planned to go afterwards I wouldn't have gone. It's amazing how the people you love the most in the world are the ones that some times stress you out the most.

I have a younger brother who is in the hight of his teenage angst. I didn't see him tonight, but before I arrived he got my mom all worked up. See, he has this weird habit of never eating anything my mom cooks for him. He'll eat McDonalds every day, but he won't touch the food that the rest of the family thinks is delicious. My mom is an excellent cook, something she's very proud of, and the fact that he won't eat anything she makes has always sort of offended her. Tonight he finally told her why he wouldn't eat her food. The reason? He claims that the food she makes is the reason my family has a history of being fat. That's the word he used, fat. My sister was fat, my dad is fat, and I'm fat.

He thinks she made us fat. My poor mother. Of all the things in the world that have made me weigh what I do, I never once considered my mother the source of my fatness. When she told me about this, she had tears in her eyes and I could have beat my brother up for saying what he said to her. I know that she wishes she could fix all of my problems, and she does usually, but she can't fix my fat and now she thinks it's her fault.

To make matters worse, my mom is going in for serious spinal surgery tomorrow, and she's got my brother's mean words hanging over her head. I just feel so awful. I assured her that I don't blame her for my weight, that I never have, and that it's my deal and my issue, but I know she doesn't believe me. The last thing I want is for her to be going into this surgery feeling like a bad mother, or doubting herself in any way.

I don't know, the whole situation just makes me sad and frustrated. And I really don't know what to do about it.

Daily Post #68

Calories in: 1610
Calories out: 3605
Difference: 1995

Challenge Day 7: 68/64 oz

I had my final Christmas gathering this afternoon. For some reason one side of my family can never seem to get it together until a few weeks after Christmas. It's sort of become a tradition to wait until we're mid-January before we all get together. Because of this event, I ate about 400 calories over my usual today and I blame it on an unneccesary scoop of dip, and a piece of corn bread. Or maybe on the liquor that was flowing freely.

I heard one cousin say "I need to lose 20 pounds by August", another say "Today I'm going to pig out, and then tomorrow, it's back on the diet!" and another replied, "Yea, I'm on the "C" diet. If I see it, I eat it."

Then there was the illicit pizza eating of this evening. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have gone near these things with a ten foot pole.

I'm hitting the gym early tomorrow to try and kick things in my life back up a notch. I feel my patterns getting redundant and I'm ready to shake things up and get going again. I have school things to sort out, resumes to perfect, an apartment to clean, and tons of errands to make. I'll think of it as part of the new lifestyle, the more I'm out getting things done - the less I'm sitting at home watching VH1.

Daily Post #59

Calories in: 1030
Calories out: 3400
Difference: 2370

I've been getting a lot of really amazing compliments about my weight loss in the last few days. All from my family (and somehow comments from people who know you're dieting just aren't as sweet as those from the unaware), but nonetheless welcome feedback to the last 2 months. I'm told that I'm doing a great job, that it's really starting to show, to keep up the good work.

While I am thrilled to be getting these comments from my loved ones, my highschool friends, who I just saw for the first time in 4 months, said nothing. I was sort of surprised, since the response from my family had been so outward and dramatic.

This all sounds so terribly vain, but I wish for once my group of friends would give me some attention. This is really a friend issue more then a weight issue, so I'll leave it for elsewhere. Just a little frustration and at a time where frustration can be at its most destructive.

This is the point where I give up, this is the point where I dive head first into a slow-cooker of meat balls and won't lift my head again until next October when I start the whole fiasco all over again. Everytime I lose about 25ish pounds I seem to hit a wall. And for some reason I am always at my most sensitive in the months of January/February. If I'm going to make it this time, I need to make it through the next two months without getting too hard on myself.

Daily Post #50

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3645
Difference: 2545

Today turned out to be an all-day baking experience. Instead of buying gifts for my closest friends, I decided I would bake some cookies, put them in a nice box and call it good. Little did I know that the cookies I chose to make, pinwheels, take a really freaking long time to make. First you make the dough, then let it chill for an hour. Then you spread on a jelly or some other tasty treat, and let it chill for two more hours and then you bake them. It took me like 4 hours to make 3 dozen cookies.

Plus, making cookies provides a series of obstacles one must face when baking. Do you snack on the unused batter? Can I sneak a little of the jam? Does it count if I put the batter in my mouth, just to taste it, and then spit it out? I get to try a cookie right? Cause you can't give out cookies without making sure they're tasty first.

Because I have zero cooking supplies I did the baking at my mothers. She had to leave at one point to take the little bro to the DMV and I was left alone in an empty house with all of my childhood habits looming. It's strange, when I'm at my own home I have no temptations and feel pretty easy in my independent role as adult, but as soon as I step through the doors of my childhood home, I revert back to being 10 years old. I want to sneak food. I'm curious how much I could get away with without anyone noticing. How much can I eat before someone comes home? There are 20 cookies in the jar...will anyone notice if 4 go missing? I sipped a diet coke and watched a soap opera, all the time praying someone would come home and distract me from my stubborn inclination to binge. I was alone for about 2 hours and managed to keep myself in life. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel safe, when it comes to food, in that house. This, I think, is a therapist topic.

I did have one cookie, but whatever. I worked out a lot today, so I don't have guilties. The cookies I made for my friends are safe in my car for quick delivery and to keep them out of my house - just in case.

Daily Post #41

The weekend is coming to a close and thank goodness for that. The weekend I spend with the women in my family is usually my most indulgent of the year, because the wine flows freely and the emotional baggage/good times roll.

While I'm not completely sure of how many calories I ate exactly yesterday, I would estimate somewhere around 2500 or so, which is by no means terrible considering I had bout 5 glasses of wine and a rum and coke. Alcohol is the devil when it comes to calories. On the plus side we did a ridiculous amount of walking around as the mall we went to was gigantic and we visited just about every single store.

Nursing a wee hangover this morning I napped on the drive home. The sister and I were both pretty exhausted from the trip, but still managed to get to the gym for an hour of weight-training and ab exercises. We didn't sweat or grunt as much as we usually do, but something is better than nothing when it comes to working out.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm braceing myself for another tiny teeny loss since this week was less than perfect. But that's life. You can't stop living just because you're eating better. Once again, something is better than nothing.

I'm currently preparing some teriyaki chicken and broccoli for dinner and getting ready to settle in for a night of tv and relaxation. Tomorrow is another day.

Daily Post #35

Breakfast: Skim milk, Kashi GoLean, Banana
Lunch: 2 Wheat tortillas, salad, chicken, ff refried beans, very little cheese, salsa
Snack: 2 clementines
Dinner: Tilapia filet, salad
Calories: 1100

Exercise: 52 minutes bike (level 6-7, 30 miles, hill) & 20 minutes elliptical (level 2)

I stepped up my exercise today, which is surprising since my body was feeling worn out and tired today. My head was so into it, wanting to pedal harder, longer, faster, but my thighs and butt were having none of it. That being said, I did more exercise today than I have been.

Tomorrow the sister and I are going to start incorporating weights into our gym trips. The personal trainer gave us a five day schedule with 3 days of weights and cardio, and 2 days of just cardio. I'm excited to get in there and mix it up a little. We did a few ab routines when we met with him and my stomach has been sore since then so I'm excited to get in some exercise that leaves my muscles a little achy. When I hurt a little the next day I feel like I've gotten a good workout.

I'm doing better with food, which is apparent in my little food logs. I'm only having a little trouble trying to eat more but not get so into eating that I go crazy. When I was making my burritos this afternoon I finished the second one and was tempted to whip up another. I knew I didn't need another one, but it's like once I get into eating I don't want to stop. Today was the first day I felt tempted to binge and was able to hold myself back enough to think about why I wanted to binge and then avoid the temptation.

I might be going to Florida with the parents in about two weeks as an unexpected mini-vacation. My sister seems a little weary that with a week of going out to eat and being in a place where I don't have guaranteed gym access I'll drop the ball and return to my bad habits with a vengeance. I acted a little shocked that she would think that, but I know that she's right. A week of being out of my regular environment is a challenge, one that I have failed many times before. Her calling me out like that was exactly what I needed to start getting my head into the mind frame that I'm going to be challenged and I need to be ready to stick to my guns. Bring it on Florida.

I also had a little tiny anxiety that we might go to Disney and I'd be too big to fit in the rides. But that only happens to very large people right? I really want to go on rides...

Sha-Dizzle asked about the table on the right sidebar that I use to track my weight change. If anyone is interested in plopping a table on the site, here's the code:

<table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="1" width="200">
<tr align="center"><td>Date</td><td>Weight</td><td>Change</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td>Enter Date Here</td><td>Enter Weight Here</td><td>Change here</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Total Lost: </td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Weeks: </td></tr><tr>
</table>

To add more rows, just copy the bold line and paste it after that line as many times as you need.

Daily Post #30

Breakfast: Luna bar
Lunch: Salad with romaine, figs, Gorgonzola, tomato, turkey, rasp.vin.
Dinner: Same salad as above, plus some tomato soup with added frozen veggies

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (level 7, hill, 14+ miles)

Spent a lot of today helping my mom paint and rearrange her bedroom. She's redoing the whole room while my dad is out of town as a sort of "While You Were Out" kind of surprise. Sadly, I got one of my new shirts dirty in the process. Good news is the room looks great and I got to work out my arms a little with the roller.

I'm skipping class tonight because I am a rebel extraordinaire. I'm too tired and dirty to get ready in time and the class is so long and I'd rather watch a movie. Not good reasons to not go, but it's what I'm doing. So there.

Daily Post #20

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif Bar (I ate half then realized there's 250 calories in one. Yipes.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine
Snack: A handful of frosted mini-wheat (maple & brown sugar)

Exercise: 1 mile at the cemetery, 2 miles at the track

I just realized how much sodium is in a Lean Cuisine. And I had been adding a dash of salt to some of them because they were bland! It's no wonder I feel like I'm retaining water like crazy.

The mini-trip I went on with the sister and mom went really well. We ate out twice and both times I made very sensible choices. They both are trying to be very good about what they eat so the lack of peer pressure made my good choices much easier.

I did get some new clothes while we were out, and was happy to find that I fit very comfortabley into sixe 18/20 shirts. I didn't try any pants as I was already cranky from impending-period blues and didn't need another excuse to be pouting.

Dad went for a jog with us this morning at the cemetery which was sort of nice. He's a big guy and getting up there in years so it's good he was willing to get out and move around a little with us. I know he was putting on a brave face and acting like he didn't hurt too bad, but when we dropped him off he looked a little sore climbing the stairs to the front door. We're hopeing that maybe this will kickstart n exercise bug in him and he'll get back into jogging on his own.