No More Fat Jokes

Today was a little rougher than anticipated. The first day where I was just not into it. Despitemy cheery AM post, my mood seemed to droop all day. Classes were extra boring and even though I was wearing black pants that didn't fit so well previously I keep thinking in my head "Don't feel too sassy, you still weight more than 240 pounds and everyone can see that."

All day long negative thoughts were passing through my head. How I wasn't good enough, strong enough, I didn't want it enough. I wasn't working hard enough to really do any good and I'd probably end up gaining weight and be agreat failure.

My mother ordered me this adorable dress for the holidays and I'm terrified I won't fit into it. I've never owned anything that cost more than 100 dollars and I'd hate for someone to spend so much money on me and not be able to show anything for it. She ordered it in a 1x, an ambition I was hopeing to fill my Christmas. I'm definitely a lumpy 2x right now and I'm so scared I won't get there and everyone will feel bad for me.

I agreed to go for the track this afternoon with the intention of getting 2 miles in, but my mind just wasn't having it and my body was agreeing. Sure, I'm tired from working my body so hard all of a sudden, but I was letting what I thought in my head get away with bringing me down. I needed my mind to defeat itself. It's complicated.

In the end I did 1 lazy mile around the track, huffing and puffing and complaining the whole time. I had a shoelace malfunction that I used as a good reason to take a not-yet-needed breather. When I forfeited after 1 mile, I felt like a huge failure. A feeling that hung with me all night, while I showered, changed, pick-up, ate (a rather large) dinner, did my laundry, watched the biggest loswer, etc. My sister wasn't buying all my "I'm Fine"'s and keep asking we what my deal was. I couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't.

She challenged me to come home and get on my elliptical, make up for what I didn't do earlier today and maybe re-kickstart my motivation. I was like, "Yea, sure."

But then a funny thing happened. I came home, dumped out my laundry, changed into my workout clothes, and decided to work out. I knew that one of my biggest problems was setting weight time limits for myself and giving up when I knew I could go further, so I covered the clocks before I got on. I set up an Itunes playlist that lasted about 23 minutes, and just got going.

My legs hurt, there was sweat in my eyes, my breathing was unsteady and sometimes gaspy. Every once in awhile my knee would give out. After 3 songs I got off and stretched my legs and, feeling curious, checked the clock. I had gone for 14 minutes. My best time ever. After a tiny bit more stretching I figured, what's another 6 minutes? I got back on the elliptical and finished.

When I was done, sweaty, shakey, I did 16 sit-up and drank my weight in water.

I'm still shaking from the workout. From the pure addreneline I'm running on.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.

I can't give up.