Fat Reading

A few weeks before I got on this kick I ordered a bunch of Fat Girl books. I went on a Fat Girl Book binge. I think I was trying to kick start my motivation by reading about a bunch of successful Fat Girls and convincing myself that I was "one of them".

So far I've read through 3 of them, and started a fourth. The fact that I'm working out more and eating better might lead people to believe that they served their purpose of getting me going. But really, they've left me more conflicted and confused when it comes to how I feel about Fat as a concept.

First, I read The Fat Girls Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker. It was pretty feel good, and certainly empowering in the fact that it's very quick to say fat is okay and not the end of the world. This was sort of refreshing, to hear that fat isn't the end all be all of life. If your fat your life isn't over. Well okay. But is Fat really okay? This is a debate I've had with myself a million times: could I be just as happy fat as I could be skinny? Should I be okay with being fat because it can be more empowering than being skinny? Am I wasting my time trying to lose weight because, hey, I'm great just the way I am?

Next, I read Tales From The Scale by Erin J. Shea. A book separated into sections that cover just about every angle of being fat. From the gain to the workout to the sex (or lack there of) to the losing to the maintaining. This book was a mixture of self-acceptance and ass kicking. Women of all sizes who worked hard to shed some pounds and are leading a better life for it. Does this contradict what Fat Girls Guide to Life was trying to teach me? I've got one source telling me to love my fat, work my fat, be proud of who I am, and another saying Work hard! Lose the weight! Your life will be better!

Now, completely conflicted, I picked up The Weight-Loss Diaries by Courtney Rubin. This poor chick makes weight loss seem so boring that I want to kick her in the ass and tell her to get over it. She's not really obese, she's living a successful life, and letting her fat get in the way of that. I think maybe she should read Fat Girls Guide to Life and get a more positive outlook. Her obsessive behaviors and thoughts might echo everything I've ever felt but it wallows in such a way that makes me feel crappy about myself and not in the I Fee Bad So I Should Change sort of way.

Last night I started reading I'm Not the New Me by Wendy McClure. It's funny, it's realistic, it's a fat girl who is fat and is living with it and is trying but isn't banking on it being the key to happiness and success. I'm only about eight chapters in, but after the mess that was my previous book it's great to read about someone who reminds me of me.

So where does this leave me? Maybe I read too much. Maybe I'm looking too hard for a buddy through a book. Why is Fat such a complex and crazy subject? Why can't we just lose weight without analyzing it and obsessing over every little thing? Is wanting to be sort of mindless about food a weird aspiration? Should I care less? Should I care more?

I don't think there are answers to any of my questions.