#129 Look What I Can Do! (191.6)

Through some kind of miracle, I weighed in at 191.6 this week. I'm not sure where the 3.6 pound loss came from. I like to think that I burn an amazing amount of calories sitting on my butt, but my brains says that it was part my period finally passing and maybe a little bit of muscle loss from the lack of working out. Whatever it is, I'll take it. I'm half way to my end goal now, and if I lose 1.5 pounds a week I can be there by my 22nd birthday, which is completely do-able.

I didn't make it to the gym today for a number of reasons I don't care to bore you with just now. I did get on the elliptical at home though, so today wasn't a complete loss. I figure I'm getting in some good exercise going up and down all these stairs with boxes of my things. Moving counts as exercise right?

You guys...I've lost 61 pounds. I can't even comprehend that number. I know what 20 pounds looks like, but 60 pounds just blows my mind. I'm a little freaked out by my own body. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in there this time that wasn't all the other times I've tried to lose weight. I'll stand in front of the mirror, admiring how my boobs, for the first time in my life, stick out farther than my belly and wonder what's different this time.

Every time I do something new that I couldn't do before I feel this incredible sense of pride. When I crossed my legs tonight at dinner all I could do was look around and see if anyone noticed, like "Look! Look what I can do!" and then I realize that most people can cross their legs and not think twice. But for me every new NORMAL thing I can do is just...fascinating. Watch me go up and down the stairs with heavy boxes and not lose my breathe. Look at my collar bones which now stick out whether I hunch my shoulders or not. Look! Isn't it all just amazing?

Today I wore a tank top and shorts out in the sun and felt completely content. I feel more and more normal every single day and I can't believe how great it feels to be completely average.

Daily Post #93 & 94

Calories in: UNsure
Calories out: Unsure
Difference: Unsure

This weekend looks like it's going to be as challenging as the last few days of been. You know, when it rains it pours and all that. Food is everywhere right now and while I'm doing excellent with portions, pizza is never all that great for you.

But, here's why I'm not stressing out: My birthday is on Monday and it's expected that I'm going to have a good time. And my rings are loose on my fingers, so I'm making progress. I'm certainly not sacrificing fun on my birthday for a digital number in my bathroom.

Tonight I'm having dinner with the family, and my mom is cooking...something. I've been left out of the loop on purpose, but I'm sure it will be delicious and I'm looking forward to enjoying it. Plus, there should be cake, and I do love a little piece of cake.

Sunday is the Super Bowl and I'm making an apple pie at the request of my brother in law. I think we're having Nachos, and dip, and Roast Beef and Cabbage. Kind of a weird assortment, but we like to eat comfort foods while watching football.

Here's another reason I'm not stressing out: I'm wearing pants that didn't fit 2 weeks ago. It's all good.

A weekend of good times is certainly not going to kill me. I indulge more on my birthday then I do during the holidays. It's my time, I do with it what I want.

So I'm not stressing out. In fact, I feel pretty damn good.

Daily Post #63

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3433
Difference: 2233

Challenge Day 2: 70/64oz

Wow, thanks to everyone who has commented in the last few days. I feel like my blog exploded! The advice and well wishes are really appreciated and very encouraging.

And now for some TMI concerning inner thighs. If you don't care to know, don't continue reading :)

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While showering today I noticed several dark spots on my inner thighs. I've had blisters there before from chafing (hot days + skirts + 250 pounds = ouch) and I assume that these are scars left over from that. But they're really dark and look like bruises.

So my question is, does anyone else have these? And, does anyone have any information on whether or not they'll go away in time? Is there anything I can do to get rid of them or lessen their appearance? Will I always have an unattractive reminder of my big thighs?

Collar Bones!

So I'm sitting here, reading some blogs, watching some tv, and I reach over my shoulder to scratch an itch. And what's that? What is that that I feel my wrist resting on? It's not my soft pillow neck and shoulder that I remember from iches past...

Why, it's my collar bone!

Hello collar bone! Welcome to the world!

A Few Points

Last night I hung out with some old friends, one of whom has lost approximately 60ish pounds in the last 2 years. I was stunned to see that although it was 11:00 at night, my friend was heating up leftovers from Thanksgiving and chowing down. She finished the container of leftover turned with a sigh and said "There. Now it won't be here tomorrow." I guess she lets herself pig out every once in awhile and it sort of shocked me. I know she's not doing the crazy fitness nut thing that I'm currently in to, but her blatant binge was sort of awkward for me. I don't really know how to talk to people about their weight, and it's too bad sometimes because I feel like this friend of mine and I could have a lot to say to each other, and could be really supportive if we chatted about it once in awhile.

I was so good at Thanksgiving yesterday. Not only in my food choices, but also in not being ashamed of my healthy choices, not being persuaded into eating things I didn't want, and not being embarassed that my family knows I've started jogging. I was sort of quiet at one point, watching the parade or the National Dog Show (I want a french terrier so bad now), and someone asked me what was wrong. My mom replies "She's hungry." Which I was, and my aunt goes "I'm not suprise she's hardly snacking at all!" This anti-snacking thing was really the biggest accomplishment of the day because that's where I tend to lose my mind. I was even seated next to some scallops wrapped in bacon and decided to let myself enjoy the aroma and pass up on the taste. I felt better for it. Also, I feel it should be noted that I was exhiled to the kiddy table this year as an involuntary baby-sitter and this will not be tolerated next year.

Maybe most importantly, I think my knee is a little, well, fucked. I guess the drwback of jogging when you're 240+ pounds is that all that weight is bouncing along on my fragile little knees and they're starting to rebel. My body has gone through a series of strange yet expected injuries since starting jogging a few weeks ago. I've had about 4 blister, all on the same foot, I've had cramps, I've had sore calves, sore thighs, sore shins, and now, sore knees. Today was the first day I really coneceeded to the pain and took it down a notch. I did a mile on the treadmill, with half of it being jogging, and then plomped down on the recumbent bike and pedaled five miles. I want to step it up, but I need to find exercise that's low impact on my knees before I hurt myself and end up moving backwards.

I have this dirty little habit that sneks up on me every so often: I'm a social smoker. When I can afford a pack of cigarettes I'll buy them, and then it's smoking for about 4 days until the pack is gone and I wait until I have another spare 5 dollars (there's no such thing) and get a new pack. I never smoke more than a pack a week, but still. Not neccesary. I really should just cut it out before I become a full-blown smoker. I guess you could say its pretty ridiculous to work as hard as I'm trying to work at the gym in the morning and spend the rest of the day puffing away. I'm working on it.

Note to self: you're not drinking enough water. Get on that.

This Is Your Body

I wish that I was more in tuned with my body. I wish I understood how it works, what makes it happy, what makes it do certain things.

I am ashamed of my body to the point where I don't even physically see it the way it really is. I ignore the mounds of flesh, I ignore the stretch marks, I ignore the multiple chins.

A dose of reality:

I have chubby ankles.
I cannot wear boots because my calves are too big.
I have stretch marks behind my knees.
I have trouble shaving because I can't reach.
There are areas in my midsection that are enveloped in folds of skin.
I have stretch marks across my belly.
I have stretch marks under and around my arms.
I have gigantic upper arms.
My rings barely fit.
I can't wear a watch.
I have two chins.
I have irregular hair growth.
I can't really see my feet.

This is my body. And maybe now that I can really see it, I can really change it.