The Fat Girl

So I'm laying in bed reading Tales from the Scale, a collective book consisting of stories form six different women of different sizes, backgrounds, etc, what it dawns on me that maybe this is what I'd going to be like forever.

I was reading the chapter called "The Fat Girl" where each author tells the reader about their Fat Girl personas. One likens hers to Mimi from the Drew Carey show, anothers is named Betsy and undermines her every move. While these women have lost weight and are now marveling in how freaking awesome it is to wear a belt, they say that their Fat Girl is still tagging along, whispering in their ear, putting them down, asking for more fries.

So it dawns on me. Even if I manage to pull this off and lose 100 pounds, - a hugely overwhelming notion - will I always have a Fat Girl lurking in the shadows? By eating myself silly, avoiding exercise, hiding from myself with food, did I send myself down a path that will haunt me for the rest of me life? If I do succeed, will I just be a Fat Girl in disguise?

As much as I look forward to being healthy and thin, I find the idea that I can say I was ever this fat so depressing. I wish that I wasn't a person who would ever be able to say "I used to be fat". I wish it wasn't a part of me. I wish I didn't feel inclined to read books like The Fat Girls Guide to Life and The Weight Loss Diaries. I wish I didn't want to be part of the community of women who're working on their fat; working to accept it, transform it, or both.

I wish my life had never been about this. But it is. I don't want to spend the rest of my life terrified of food, always totally mindful or every bump of flesh, pucker of skin, or stretch mark.

I feel a little bit doomed, and definitely scared. The odds are against me in this one, but I keep on putting chips down, hopeing this time I've got the winning hand.