#132 The Great Big Return Part One

Hmm. Well that didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would.

My pants are getting tight again and I'm noticing some puffiness here and there and a general sense of low morale. Actually, I'm pretty unhappy, so I need to get back into an uber healthy schedule to get that seratonin pumping again.

I'll explain everything tomorrow...I'm still trying to formulate a plan in my head.

Till then....

#131 Taking A Breather (190.0)

I guess I should mention that I decided early last week that I need a break. A break, that is to say, from constantly thinking about losing weight. I could feel myself approaching that burn out point - where you get so sick and tired of something that you end up sabotaging it so you have a good excuse to throw up your hands and say "oh well!" and move on.

Instead of getting to that burnout point I've decided to take some time to maintain and bring my focus back to other things like finishing school this week and getting a job so I can move out of my parent's guest room.

This week was my first week attempting to maintain and I did exactly that. The scale moved a little up and a little down over the week but landed right where I'd hoped it would this morning. I'm still eating a 1200 calorie diet so, if the math is the truth, I should lose some weight from simple restriction.

I feel a tiny bit of failure for not plowing through this whole 120 pound venture in one go, but I'm not worried about my commitment to finish this before too long. Normally I would feel in a panic because I'm not, technically, "on plan!" but right now I feel pretty comfortable. I'm eating responsibly and having a good time. I don't look or feel like a monster anymore and I'm taking a little bit of time to enjoy that - go out and dance around in the new bod - before I knuckle down and power through another 60 pounds.

I don't know how long this little break is going to last. Probably just one more week through finals. After that I'll have all the time in the world to focus on getting to the gym a couple days a week and to get some exercise at home too. I'll check in again next week and let you all know what the status is.

Hope everyone has a great week!

#130 Simply Obese (190.0)

What a crazy week I just had. My apologies for being so neglectful of this blog and my fellow challenge bloggers, I wish that I had more time to be more active in the group and more supportive of my group members this month, but you know it goes. Life gets in the way.

I weighed in at 190 this week, a 1.6 pound loss, which I will happily accept. I did see a lower number earlier this week, but with my move my scale is now on a different surface and we all know that the position of the scale actually does make a difference. That being said this is still an awesome weigh in! At 190 I have reached my 5th mini-goal, I have lost 63 pound total, and, according to the BMI lords, I am no longer severely obese I am simply obese. Hooray!

Exercise has been...sparse. My elliptical has been packed away in storage with the rest of my belongings and I spent most of last week moving out the final boxes from my apartment and getting situated at my parent's house. I brought Paul the ball with my to my new temporary home, but have yet to get down on the floor and do some crunches.

I'm not going to lie, I miss the workout momentum I was once experiencing. There were a few months there were I worked out five days a week, regardless of life or anything that was going on, and now I'd be happy to get in one or two, just to say that I did something.

Luckily, tomorrow is the first of the month so I have a fresh start to look forward to. I've decided my May goal will be to start up the Couch to 5K program again. I think I'm going to pick it up around week 4 and see how that goes. If it's too easy I'll skip ahead to week five and if it's too hard I'll drop back to week three and start again from there. I think the structure of three workouts a week will be a good way to get me back into the gym routine while I try and get everything else sorted out.

I'm still looking for a job, and the lead I thought I had last week has fallen quiet so I don't really know what's going to happen with that. Everyone is after me to find a job now and I'm struggling to find something that will let me use my degree. My parents are urging me to not settle for a job that sort of applies to my field, but at the same time everyone is expecting me to land a great job right out of school and I don't see that happening.

I've got two weeks of school left, and only a few major projects left to complete. I managed to get out of one pretty huge project so that's one less thing to worry about while I job hunt. Despite all of this, I feel lazy and a little hopeless right now. I just need to keep plugging away and make sure that I take care of myself while taking care of everything else.

Hope everyone else is doing well, I'll be making the rounds this afternoon to try and catch up on everyone's progress. Best of luck to everyone in the May challenge! We're 1/3 of the way through the year!

#129 Look What I Can Do! (191.6)

Through some kind of miracle, I weighed in at 191.6 this week. I'm not sure where the 3.6 pound loss came from. I like to think that I burn an amazing amount of calories sitting on my butt, but my brains says that it was part my period finally passing and maybe a little bit of muscle loss from the lack of working out. Whatever it is, I'll take it. I'm half way to my end goal now, and if I lose 1.5 pounds a week I can be there by my 22nd birthday, which is completely do-able.

I didn't make it to the gym today for a number of reasons I don't care to bore you with just now. I did get on the elliptical at home though, so today wasn't a complete loss. I figure I'm getting in some good exercise going up and down all these stairs with boxes of my things. Moving counts as exercise right?

You guys...I've lost 61 pounds. I can't even comprehend that number. I know what 20 pounds looks like, but 60 pounds just blows my mind. I'm a little freaked out by my own body. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in there this time that wasn't all the other times I've tried to lose weight. I'll stand in front of the mirror, admiring how my boobs, for the first time in my life, stick out farther than my belly and wonder what's different this time.

Every time I do something new that I couldn't do before I feel this incredible sense of pride. When I crossed my legs tonight at dinner all I could do was look around and see if anyone noticed, like "Look! Look what I can do!" and then I realize that most people can cross their legs and not think twice. But for me every new NORMAL thing I can do is just...fascinating. Watch me go up and down the stairs with heavy boxes and not lose my breathe. Look at my collar bones which now stick out whether I hunch my shoulders or not. Look! Isn't it all just amazing?

Today I wore a tank top and shorts out in the sun and felt completely content. I feel more and more normal every single day and I can't believe how great it feels to be completely average.

#128 Ready For Next Week to Begin

Arg! I've typed and deleted five different entries in here tonight and I just can't seem to say anything worth saying.

So, in short.

I went on a job interview and I looked really good and left feeling totally awesome about it.

I haven't worked out in forever (bold AND italic for emphasis), but I'm going to the gym tomorrow I swear and I think I'm going to start the Cto5K over again and not pansy out this time.

I've made my peace with moving in with the parents and have commenced the packing.

I've regained control of my food and feel really good about it. That freak out from earlier this week feels so insignificant and far away that I feel kind of stupid for freaking out in the first place.

I turned down brownies, ice cream, cheese, crackers, chocolate, trail mix, excess booze, a third slice of pizza, and many other things in the past few days. And I feel no regret or yearning for any of them.

It's finally warming up around here and I am so excited to wear tank tops and skirts and not feel like I should be ashamed of my body.

I got maybe two hours of sleep last night and am going to bed right now so that I can get up early and go to the gym before class. Because I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I am. I am I am I am.

#127 Life is Hard

Thank you all for your comments on my last frantic sob-story of a post. I've calmed down some since then and am trying to get a grip. Food was much better today and I'm trying to find better ways to deal with the current stress I'm under.

So, here's the deal.

Last week my apartment building was sold. The building had been owned by my family for about a billion years and when my great-grandmother died her kids (my grandmother included) decided they didn't want to deal with tenants and put the building up for sale. Then, without telling the tenants anything, the building changed ownership and the next thing I know my rent has been quadrupled and I have about 3 weeks to come up with a security deposite and next month's rent which is now more weekly then I was paying monthly. So, I've been trying to find a new apartment and it's becoming more and more clear to me that I just can't afford to live on my own anymore. With no roommate prospects in the very near future, my only option is to move back home. Which I will be doing some time in the next two weeks.

I have three weeks of school left before I graduate. With the end of the semester comes finals and all the big gross projects and it's really the last thing I have on my mind right now since I have to pack up my life and move with barely any notice. A professor of mine had asked me to take on this pretty huge project and now I'm feeling guilty about having to tell him I just don't have the time to take it on right now. I wish that I could do the project because it would be so awesome to have it for my portfolio, but I just can't wrap my head around something extra when I'm barely finishing up the normal curriculum.

I need a job. Desperately. My parents don't seem very stressed or worried about the face that I'm unemployed and basically living off of them, but it really doesn't sit well with me to be so dependent on them. The only thing I want in my life right now is some independence and now I have to move back into their house - the exact opposite of being independent as far as I'm concerned.

My sister and her husband are in the same boat I'm in. Strapped for cash and now looking for a new place to live with not nearly enough time to do it properly. They're looking for a house and while I wish them the very best and hope they find an awesome home, I am so incredibly sad that my sister is moving away from me. She is the person I call when I'm freaking out, the only person who will drop everything for me and show up with a bottle of wine and some laughs if it's what I need. I'm really having a hard time dealing with the thought of being so far away from her.

The plan right now is to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, then I'm going to come home and email my resume all over the damn place. After that I'm going to start going through my stuff and throwing out as much excess as possible.

I promise this is the last whiney post I'm going to throw up here for awhile. Life kind of smacked me in the face this past week, but I'm trying to deal as best I can.

#126 How The Mighty Fall (195.2)

I'm so upset right now. This week I'm house-sitting for my grandparents while they're out of town and I've been really really bad about food. It's strange how being alone and out of your element can really throw you for a loop. I thought I'd be able to handle myself amongst the cookies and brownies and pastas and every other delicious morsel that is tucked away at my grandparents but I'm doing about as bad as a person can do. How bad? Eating tacos like I'm some kind of speed eating champ, eating giant bowls of pasta with tons of meatballs, more ice cream then I think I've ever consumed, too many brownies to count, little pieces of chocolate here and there, and a whole mess of cheese and crackers.

When I weighed myself Saturday morning I was 191 pounds which would have marked this as a really amazing 4+ pound loss week, but no. I had to go to my grandmother's house and in the span of less than 2 days I was back up to 195. I feel like such a failure. Who gains four pounds in less than two days!?

I guess I can get over only losing .2 pounds this week, but I'm pretty terrified that I've lost whatever I had that was making me do so well. You know - motivation & will-power. I left my grandmother's this morning and came back to my apartment - just to get away from the food for awhile. As soon as I got home I sat down on my couch and just burst out sobbing. I feel awful. Just when I thought I was winning this battle I realize that when faced with a real challenge I might not do as well as I wish I could.

I have to go back there tonight, to a dark house that's full of nothing but trigger foods. If I don't write again before Friday, you should assume that I have drowned in a gallon of cranberry cheesecake ice cream.