The Beginning

Starting Weight: 253
Goal Weight: 150
Weight to Lose: 103 pounds .

I cannot count the number of times I have begun entries such as this one. How many times have I said "tomorrow will be the day!". I have started (and deleted) an estimated 8 weight loss journals. Some of them lasted a few months, some of them a few days. A few of them showed significant success, others only served to document my neurosis about food and the harmful things I was (am) willing to do all for the sake of feeling thin.

I've read places that thin people look in mirrors and see their reflections as fat. I have this same problem only in reverse. When I look into the mirror I don't see 230 pounds hanging on a five foot two frame. I see a face that's kind of cute, hair to be envied, eyelashes that go on forever, even a little bit of a waste. If I hold my neck just so I can see color bones and if I move my shoulders forward in such a way I can see the bumps of my breast bone and pretend I look like Jennifer Aniston.

Being as short as I am my goal weight should be lower. According to all those charts and graphs I should be somewhere about 120 pounds. I can't even imagine. I feel like I would disappear. I like curvy girls, I admire them, I think they're bold and sexy and confident. They're realistic. So my goal is to be 150 pounds, but also sassy and happy and me with a better sense of self and a happier smile on my face.

I have an older sister who used to be a Fat Girl. She wasn't always fat like I have been, but gained her weight in her teens. After a bad break-up and reaching a breaking point with herself she entered "the zone" and the weight just melted off. It was literally like I saw her one day as a big girl and then saw her the next and she was this leggy beauty that I could only envy. I always wondered if when I turned twenty my thin motivated genes would kick in like hers had and suddenly I'd be all legs. Well, I'm almost twenty one and getting wider every day. I recently asked her for details on her weight loss. She told me two things: "I had a Slim Fast for breakfast, a salad for dinner, a salad for lunch, and I worked out every day" and "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

While I was waiting around for my thin genes, I was also waiting for "the moment". You know, the one where everything is just so bad that I would finally go nuts and lose all my extra baggage. The moment where someone calls me fat on the streets and it finally clicks. It never came. I've been called fat on the street (recently, in fact, someone yelled out "Fat girls need love too!" as they walked past me. It's true, we do need love. But you don't have to be rude.) I've broken benches, I've not fit in places, I've had pants rip, I've been the only girl not asked to dance, I've been mocked, I've been embarassed, I've been lonely, I've been ashamed. None of it has ever made me so miserable I've ever done anything about it.

So I'm done waiting for nature to take over, and I'm done waiting for something tragic to happen to kick start my motivation. I hate to say it but... I don't wanna wait for [my] life to be over... before I start to live it.

Events to keep in mind:

Christmas is in 2 months

My 21st is in 3ish months

I'm going to Spain in 4 months

How much can a person lose in 4 months? How much can she gain?

It's getting late. More tomorrow.