A Better Year

#132 The Great Big Return Part One

2007-09-03T11:48:00.000-04:00

Hmm. Well that didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would.

My pants are getting tight again and I'm noticing some puffiness here and there and a general sense of low morale. Actually, I'm pretty unhappy, so I need to get back into an uber healthy schedule to get that seratonin pumping again.

I'll explain everything tomorrow...I'm still trying to formulate a plan in my head.

Till then....

#131 Taking A Breather (190.0)

2007-05-07T08:41:00.000-04:00

I guess I should mention that I decided early last week that I need a break. A break, that is to say, from constantly thinking about losing weight. I could feel myself approaching that burn out point - where you get so sick and tired of something that you end up sabotaging it so you have a good excuse to throw up your hands and say "oh well!" and move on.

Instead of getting to that burnout point I've decided to take some time to maintain and bring my focus back to other things like finishing school this week and getting a job so I can move out of my parent's guest room.

This week was my first week attempting to maintain and I did exactly that. The scale moved a little up and a little down over the week but landed right where I'd hoped it would this morning. I'm still eating a 1200 calorie diet so, if the math is the truth, I should lose some weight from simple restriction.

I feel a tiny bit of failure for not plowing through this whole 120 pound venture in one go, but I'm not worried about my commitment to finish this before too long. Normally I would feel in a panic because I'm not, technically, "on plan!" but right now I feel pretty comfortable. I'm eating responsibly and having a good time. I don't look or feel like a monster anymore and I'm taking a little bit of time to enjoy that - go out and dance around in the new bod - before I knuckle down and power through another 60 pounds.

I don't know how long this little break is going to last. Probably just one more week through finals. After that I'll have all the time in the world to focus on getting to the gym a couple days a week and to get some exercise at home too. I'll check in again next week and let you all know what the status is.

Hope everyone has a great week!

#130 Simply Obese (190.0)

2007-04-30T14:07:00.000-04:00

What a crazy week I just had. My apologies for being so neglectful of this blog and my fellow challenge bloggers, I wish that I had more time to be more active in the group and more supportive of my group members this month, but you know it goes. Life gets in the way.

I weighed in at 190 this week, a 1.6 pound loss, which I will happily accept. I did see a lower number earlier this week, but with my move my scale is now on a different surface and we all know that the position of the scale actually does make a difference. That being said this is still an awesome weigh in! At 190 I have reached my 5th mini-goal, I have lost 63 pound total, and, according to the BMI lords, I am no longer severely obese I am simply obese. Hooray!

Exercise has been...sparse. My elliptical has been packed away in storage with the rest of my belongings and I spent most of last week moving out the final boxes from my apartment and getting situated at my parent's house. I brought Paul the ball with my to my new temporary home, but have yet to get down on the floor and do some crunches.

I'm not going to lie, I miss the workout momentum I was once experiencing. There were a few months there were I worked out five days a week, regardless of life or anything that was going on, and now I'd be happy to get in one or two, just to say that I did something.

Luckily, tomorrow is the first of the month so I have a fresh start to look forward to. I've decided my May goal will be to start up the Couch to 5K program again. I think I'm going to pick it up around week 4 and see how that goes. If it's too easy I'll skip ahead to week five and if it's too hard I'll drop back to week three and start again from there. I think the structure of three workouts a week will be a good way to get me back into the gym routine while I try and get everything else sorted out.

I'm still looking for a job, and the lead I thought I had last week has fallen quiet so I don't really know what's going to happen with that. Everyone is after me to find a job now and I'm struggling to find something that will let me use my degree. My parents are urging me to not settle for a job that sort of applies to my field, but at the same time everyone is expecting me to land a great job right out of school and I don't see that happening.

I've got two weeks of school left, and only a few major projects left to complete. I managed to get out of one pretty huge project so that's one less thing to worry about while I job hunt. Despite all of this, I feel lazy and a little hopeless right now. I just need to keep plugging away and make sure that I take care of myself while taking care of everything else.

Hope everyone else is doing well, I'll be making the rounds this afternoon to try and catch up on everyone's progress. Best of luck to everyone in the May challenge! We're 1/3 of the way through the year!

#129 Look What I Can Do! (191.6)

2007-04-23T21:04:00.000-04:00

Through some kind of miracle, I weighed in at 191.6 this week. I'm not sure where the 3.6 pound loss came from. I like to think that I burn an amazing amount of calories sitting on my butt, but my brains says that it was part my period finally passing and maybe a little bit of muscle loss from the lack of working out. Whatever it is, I'll take it. I'm half way to my end goal now, and if I lose 1.5 pounds a week I can be there by my 22nd birthday, which is completely do-able.

I didn't make it to the gym today for a number of reasons I don't care to bore you with just now. I did get on the elliptical at home though, so today wasn't a complete loss. I figure I'm getting in some good exercise going up and down all these stairs with boxes of my things. Moving counts as exercise right?

You guys...I've lost 61 pounds. I can't even comprehend that number. I know what 20 pounds looks like, but 60 pounds just blows my mind. I'm a little freaked out by my own body. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in there this time that wasn't all the other times I've tried to lose weight. I'll stand in front of the mirror, admiring how my boobs, for the first time in my life, stick out farther than my belly and wonder what's different this time.

Every time I do something new that I couldn't do before I feel this incredible sense of pride. When I crossed my legs tonight at dinner all I could do was look around and see if anyone noticed, like "Look! Look what I can do!" and then I realize that most people can cross their legs and not think twice. But for me every new NORMAL thing I can do is just...fascinating. Watch me go up and down the stairs with heavy boxes and not lose my breathe. Look at my collar bones which now stick out whether I hunch my shoulders or not. Look! Isn't it all just amazing?

Today I wore a tank top and shorts out in the sun and felt completely content. I feel more and more normal every single day and I can't believe how great it feels to be completely average.

#128 Ready For Next Week to Begin

2007-04-22T20:35:00.000-04:00

Arg! I've typed and deleted five different entries in here tonight and I just can't seem to say anything worth saying.

So, in short.

I went on a job interview and I looked really good and left feeling totally awesome about it.

I haven't worked out in forever (bold AND italic for emphasis), but I'm going to the gym tomorrow I swear and I think I'm going to start the Cto5K over again and not pansy out this time.

I've made my peace with moving in with the parents and have commenced the packing.

I've regained control of my food and feel really good about it. That freak out from earlier this week feels so insignificant and far away that I feel kind of stupid for freaking out in the first place.

I turned down brownies, ice cream, cheese, crackers, chocolate, trail mix, excess booze, a third slice of pizza, and many other things in the past few days. And I feel no regret or yearning for any of them.

It's finally warming up around here and I am so excited to wear tank tops and skirts and not feel like I should be ashamed of my body.

I got maybe two hours of sleep last night and am going to bed right now so that I can get up early and go to the gym before class. Because I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I am. I am I am I am.

#127 Life is Hard

2007-04-18T21:38:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your comments on my last frantic sob-story of a post. I've calmed down some since then and am trying to get a grip. Food was much better today and I'm trying to find better ways to deal with the current stress I'm under.

So, here's the deal.

Last week my apartment building was sold. The building had been owned by my family for about a billion years and when my great-grandmother died her kids (my grandmother included) decided they didn't want to deal with tenants and put the building up for sale. Then, without telling the tenants anything, the building changed ownership and the next thing I know my rent has been quadrupled and I have about 3 weeks to come up with a security deposite and next month's rent which is now more weekly then I was paying monthly. So, I've been trying to find a new apartment and it's becoming more and more clear to me that I just can't afford to live on my own anymore. With no roommate prospects in the very near future, my only option is to move back home. Which I will be doing some time in the next two weeks.

I have three weeks of school left before I graduate. With the end of the semester comes finals and all the big gross projects and it's really the last thing I have on my mind right now since I have to pack up my life and move with barely any notice. A professor of mine had asked me to take on this pretty huge project and now I'm feeling guilty about having to tell him I just don't have the time to take it on right now. I wish that I could do the project because it would be so awesome to have it for my portfolio, but I just can't wrap my head around something extra when I'm barely finishing up the normal curriculum.

I need a job. Desperately. My parents don't seem very stressed or worried about the face that I'm unemployed and basically living off of them, but it really doesn't sit well with me to be so dependent on them. The only thing I want in my life right now is some independence and now I have to move back into their house - the exact opposite of being independent as far as I'm concerned.

My sister and her husband are in the same boat I'm in. Strapped for cash and now looking for a new place to live with not nearly enough time to do it properly. They're looking for a house and while I wish them the very best and hope they find an awesome home, I am so incredibly sad that my sister is moving away from me. She is the person I call when I'm freaking out, the only person who will drop everything for me and show up with a bottle of wine and some laughs if it's what I need. I'm really having a hard time dealing with the thought of being so far away from her.

The plan right now is to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, then I'm going to come home and email my resume all over the damn place. After that I'm going to start going through my stuff and throwing out as much excess as possible.

I promise this is the last whiney post I'm going to throw up here for awhile. Life kind of smacked me in the face this past week, but I'm trying to deal as best I can.

#126 How The Mighty Fall (195.2)

2007-04-17T09:52:00.000-04:00

I'm so upset right now. This week I'm house-sitting for my grandparents while they're out of town and I've been really really bad about food. It's strange how being alone and out of your element can really throw you for a loop. I thought I'd be able to handle myself amongst the cookies and brownies and pastas and every other delicious morsel that is tucked away at my grandparents but I'm doing about as bad as a person can do. How bad? Eating tacos like I'm some kind of speed eating champ, eating giant bowls of pasta with tons of meatballs, more ice cream then I think I've ever consumed, too many brownies to count, little pieces of chocolate here and there, and a whole mess of cheese and crackers.

When I weighed myself Saturday morning I was 191 pounds which would have marked this as a really amazing 4+ pound loss week, but no. I had to go to my grandmother's house and in the span of less than 2 days I was back up to 195. I feel like such a failure. Who gains four pounds in less than two days!?

I guess I can get over only losing .2 pounds this week, but I'm pretty terrified that I've lost whatever I had that was making me do so well. You know - motivation & will-power. I left my grandmother's this morning and came back to my apartment - just to get away from the food for awhile. As soon as I got home I sat down on my couch and just burst out sobbing. I feel awful. Just when I thought I was winning this battle I realize that when faced with a real challenge I might not do as well as I wish I could.

I have to go back there tonight, to a dark house that's full of nothing but trigger foods. If I don't write again before Friday, you should assume that I have drowned in a gallon of cranberry cheesecake ice cream.

#125 God Bless You, Mr.Vonnegut

2007-04-12T12:00:00.000-04:00

A sad day. My favorite author Kurt Vonnegut passed away yesterday at the age of 84. It's hard to really say how sad I feel about this. His books inspired me, his writing made me laugh and cry and his ideas made me think and explore my own beliefs about everything - politics, art, love, science, war, death, and human nature. He just seemed like the coolest, crankiest, goofiest old guy in the world and I'm so sad that he's gone.

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #2
Thirteen Stories by Vonnegut You Should Read

1. Slaughterhouse-Five - my all time favorite. I've read it maybe six times and wrote a paper on it in high school. About the bombing of Dresden, a boy named Billy Pilgrim who wanders unwillingly and aimlessly through time, and many other satirical themes.

2. Cat's Cradle - the most popular Vonnegut novel that just about every college student has read. About religion, the atomic bomb, an a substance called ice-nine that solidifies at room temperature.

3. God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater - A book about Eliot Rosewater, a drunk heir who is too kind-hearted for his own good and may or may not be insane.

4. Breakfast of Champions - The book that made Kilgore Trout, Vonnegut's alter-ego, famous. Trout is an aging science fiction writer with very limited success and only one fan and in this book he encounters a car salesman and hilarity ensures.

5. Mother Night - "In Mother Night Vonnegut makes fun of sex, and motherhood; of war and peace, of the FBI and Communists; and the Nazi's too."

6. God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian - Vonnegut, with the help of Kevorkian, is made almost dead and spends his time in-between life and death interviewing dead folks. Some of the interviewees include William Shakespeare, Eugene Victor Deb, Sir Isaac Newton, James Earl Ray (Martin Luther King's assassin), and Mary Shelley.

7. Bagombo Snuff Box - A collection of short stories. Meet George Hemholtz, the kind band director who lives for music in "The No-Talent Kid" and "The Boy Who Hates Girls" and experience a story that is pure Vonnegut in "2BR02B".

8. Welcome to the Monkey House - Another collection of short stories. While all the stories in this collection are wonderful the story "Harrison Bergeron" is most striking as it explores a "Utopian" society where everyone - whether they like it or not - is created equal.

9. Player Piano - Vonnegut's first novel about a world run by machine. Published in 1952 its an interesting look into the possibilities of new technology and a scary glimpse into a world ruled by machines. When you think about how much of our lives are automated this book is almost chilling.

10. Jailbird - A story about Walter Starbuck, who is simultaneously in and out of control of his own life. Written in an autobiographical style, we watch Walter from the sidelines as he goes through the ebbs and flows of his life jumping - in true Vonnegut fashion - from the past the present the future.

11. Galapagos - The passengers on the Bahia de Darwin become the Adam and Eves when the boat sinks while cruising to the Galapagos Islands. Probably the most difficult Vonnegut book to work through, but if you dig hard enough you will find the wry charm buried beneth the ecological devices that make this book what it is.

12. Hocus Pocus - A book that is not for first time Vonnegut readers, but more for those who are use to his style and prepared for his mockery. Some of the themes in this book include racism, crime, education, socialism, alcoholism, and many more. A complicated little novel.

13. Wampeters, Foma, & Granfalloons - A collection of opinions from the man himself. This is a rare direct opening into Vonnegut's mind, where his ideas aren't cloaked under his Kilgore Trout's disguise. Includes reviews, essays, and speeches.

As if that isn't evidence enough of my love for this man, here's a look at my Vonnegut collection:

#124 Trusting The Machine (195.4)

2007-04-09T17:27:00.000-04:00

Is time flying by at an increased rate or is that just me? I feel like I just posted a weigh-in a day or two ago, but no, it's been a whole week. Crazy. This morning I weighed in at 195.4, down .6 pounds for the week. Hey, it's a loss so I'll take it.

I've been wondering lately how accurate my caloric calculations are. I'm pretty precise about everything I eat, but there are some things that never seem to make it into the calculations, mostly because I'm usually too lazy to figure out how many calories are in a few sips of something, or a tiny nibble, or one single cracker. Coffee, for example, is something that I drink on occasion but never bother to calculate the creamer because I don't use very much.

As it turns out, my occasional coffee is probably racking up 100-300 (if I have more then one cup) calories because of the creamer.

And what about exercise equipment? Does the calorie counter on the machine have any credibility?

I assume the machines that ask for your weight are more accurate, but even then what do those machines know other then some formula that gives you an approximation. When I do an hour on the elliptical at the gym it says I burn about 850 calories, at home it's 825, on FitDay it's worth 601, and here 1001.

That difference between 1001 calories and 601 is 2 cups of coffee with creamer!

I guess it doesn't really matter in the end, so long as you're doing it and putting in the effort. But for a person who works out those numbers every single day, I'm certainly interested in how accurate those calculations are.

Do you trust your equipment?

#123 In Which Life Gets Interesting

2007-04-08T19:16:00.000-04:00

First, a happy Easter holiday to all out in blog land. I hope you all had the chance to spend time with your family and eat delicious holiday food and avoid your cousin who smells a little strange. I know I did! I wore the cutest outfit ever to my family's festivities, my favorite part of it being the size 16 jeans that make my butt look fabulous. Hurrah!

The past couple of days have just been a whirlwind. Just as things are coming to a close at school I've been informed that the building I live in is being sold and there's a good chance once the papers are signed I'll have 30 days to vacate. So between pulling together all of my academic stuff, feeling the pressure of needing to find a job pronto, and now apartment hunting I've just been all over the place.

Because of the hectic pace at which things seem to be happening right now my eating hasn't been nearly as strict as it once was. I'm cooking some fish right now which will be the first meal I've cooked at home in over three days. I'm certainly applying the portion size rules and saying a polite no thanks to things I know I shouldn't be eating, but it's hard to accomplish perfection when you're on the run.

I also haven't been working out as feverishly as I once did, for the same reasons. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get my act together and return to the gym and if I'm feeling up to it tonight I hope to get on the elliptical for at least 30 minutes, just to keep up the momentum of working out. I did get in three solid workouts during this past week, and one day I shoveled snow for over an hour which I counted as my exercise for the day since I was soaked with sweat afterwards.

I guess all of this sounds a little like a disclaimer, just in case I don't happen to lose any weight this week. For some reason I'm suddenly not very concerned about the number and I'm more concerned about making sure I get everything done that's planned for the day and trying to get some sleep. Basically, I'm accomplishing my April goal of hanging in there. Things get a little crazy some times so I guess this will be good practice for keeping my weight/health in check in times of mayhem.

Hope everyone's weekend went well!

#122 Thursday Thirteen #1

2007-04-05T12:38:00.000-04:00

Holy crap it really snowed last night. Snow day!

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Saw this over at Cory'sblog and thought it might be a good thing to start doing each week. I'd like to try and take this blog a little beyond the fat and fitness at it's core and make it a little more personal. Without further ado:

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #1
Last Thirteen Movies I Watched

1. Phenomenon - Caught this movie on Bravo one night when they were doing a John Travolta marathon. I don't usually go for this kind of movie but it was cute and sort of sad so I got sucked in. I'll admit it, I got a little teary towards the end.

2. Fear - A young Reese Witherspoon dates basically the worst guy in the world who eventually ends up threatening her entire family. After watching the roller coaster scene I'll never be able to see the Witherspoon the same again.

3. Overnight Delivery - I'm a sucker for anything Paul Rudd (who pretty much embodies, physically, everything I want in a man) so I had to watch this when I spotted it on tv. Funny, but dated. A good fluff movie to kill some boredom.

4. 300 - 10% romance 10% story of bravery 80% partial nudity. A truly beautiful movie, not only for the hot men, but for the entire tone of the film. Marketed as a guy movie, but my girl friends and I really liked it.

5. Black Snake Moan - Crazy Indie flicks are my passion, so I was really excited to see this film. It was nice to see Morgan Freeman in something that wasn't completely lame (Snakes on a Plane anyone?) and Christina Ricci did a really great job with her role.

6. Clerks - I watched this movie a long time ago and thought it was really dumb and poorly made. Watching it now, a little older, a little wiser, I actually thought it was funny and could appreciate the sort of low budget dialog driven awesomeness of the movie.

7. Pan's Labyrinth - So pretty, so sad, so magical. A really wonderful movie that everyone should see.

8. What The #$*! Do We Know!? - One night in Spain, after four bottles of wine, my friends and I got into a really interesting discussion about quantum uncertainty and this film was recommended to me. It certainly makes you think about life and how much of what we do is up to us.

9. Leaving Las Vegas - I'm not much of a Nick Cage fan (except for the Weather Man, which I really liked) but I was surprised at how much I liked this movie. It was abrasive and upsetting, which, in my opinion, is usually a good quality in this kind of movie.

10. This Film is Not Yet Rated - A documentary about the rating systems set up by the MPAA and the secrecy surrounding the process of getting a film rated. Very interesting and made a lot of really great points about the faults in the rating system.

11. Enduring Love - I saw a preview for this somewhere and added it to my Netflix. It made it to the top of my queue without being bumped somehow and I was really surprised at how good it was. It's about fate and love and relationships and disasters and responsibility. Excellent acting, and a really intriguing story.

12. Valley of the Dolls - I'm told this movie and the book it's based on were a pretty big deal back in the day. The movie was campy and dramatic and good retro-pill-popping fun.

13. Half Nelson - Watched this late last night when I couldn't fall asleep. Ryan Gosling was nominated for - and won - the Best Actor Independent Spirit Award for his work in this and it was definitely deserved. His character is interesting to watch and his interactions with his co-star Shareeka Epps were hopeful and heartbreaking all at once. A great movie.

#121 A Cold, Blustery Day

2007-04-04T18:14:00.000-04:00

Things are pretty quiet (translation: boring) around here lately. I haven't really been busy with anything specific, but I feel like I'm constantly on the go. At the same time I feel completely bored with everything right now. I'm suffering from an ennui that I can't pinpoint. It's a combination of senioritis and my basic human needs not being met.

It started snowing this afternoon, the last snow of the season according to my grandfather the human almanac, which derailed any plans for going to the gym today. I didn't really mind since I was hesitant to go anyhow due to a blister a bit bigger than a quarter on the instep of my right foot that has basically progressed into a hole of sensitive, sore, new skin. It is gigantic. I had to use one of those massive band-aids that are usually saved for road rash just to cover it up.

Food was kind of weird for me today. I'm not sure if it was the gross weather or just a blah day, but I wasn't hungry at all for the first half of the day and then once 4:00 hit I was completely famished. I ended up going to the grocery store and picking up some beer and a rotisserie turkey breast (because I'm a fraternity brother? I'm not sure.) and picked at that this evening. Not exactly the most nutritiously concious day of eating, but what are you gonna do? I guess the plus side is that when you're dieting you can totally get buzzed off of one beer. Excellent.

Right now I'm going to do my best to fight off the impending tryptophan coma and strap on my sneakers to do some work on the old elliptical (which my dad fixed for me yesterday! The joy! The rapture!). I know I said in the paragraph above that I had a beer buzz, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to operate the equipment without doing too much damage. Hopefully.

Shout out to my April partners: Amber, Christy, and Cory!

#120 Baby Got Back (196)

2007-04-02T16:07:00.000-04:00

Weigh-In Monday and the scale is bouncing all over the place. I got several different numbers and after averaging them out landed on 196lbs for the week, which makes a 1.2 pound loss for the week. Not too shabby considering my spark has been a little dull these past few days.

My parents recently gave me some of my baby stuff. My first haircut hair, a few pieces of jewelry, and a calendar that my mom filled out during my first year. Most of it isn't that interest, things like "Rolled over!" or "Went to the beach with cousins!", but there was one that caught my eye. July 24th, 1986 I had a doctor's appointment and written under the doctor's name and time of appointment is one little word: "overweight".

Ironically, my mom also recorded a lot of what I was eating that year. The week before I was determined to be "overweight" I had beef, ice cream, and french toast with maple syrup for the first time. I guess it was all down hill from there.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being overweight at five months old. When I pointed it out to my parents they laugh and then my dad said "If we'd known what was going to happen we would have put you on a diet right then." Would that have been the appropriate thing to do? Probably not. But that one word, right there in my baby calendar, pretty much summed up my physical state for the next twenty one years.

It also makes me realize what I'm up against. In trying to lose weight I'm working against everything my body has ever known. It sounds sort of strange, but it's like trying to start all over again from scratch. A physical re-birth if you will. I've got this blog and Fitday as my calendar this time around, and all over it are metaphorical stickers and notes: "First 1 mile run", "First time under the 200s", "First blister", "First muscle pain from lifting weights", "First attempt to eat responsibly". I can't wait to look back on this years from now and say "Yea, that was a good year."

#119 The Illusion of Control

2007-03-29T21:39:00.000-04:00

As I do most Thursday nights, I went over to my sister's for dinner and to do my five billion loads of weekly laundry. Tonight we made tacos with all the fixings and since I'd picked up the ingredients we used turkey instead of beef. I purposefully "forgot" to buy sour cream. I didn't use any cheese. But I did have two tacos. And then afterwards I had a tiny piece of chocolate.

On seeing me grab the chocolate my sister asked me if my willpower was gone. I sat there, chocolate melting on my tongue, thinking about her questions. Does the fact that I'm eating this chocolate right now indicate that I've lost some of my ability to say no to "bad" foods?

What she said sort of made me angry and scared all at once. My gut reaction was to get defensive and pout, doubting myself and my motives. I'm a bad person I thought to myself, I'm so weak for eating that chocolate. And that's when I started getting scared. If I'm suddenly beating myself up over a little piece of chocolate, then maybe I've taken my willpower a little too far.

I do worry some times if my intense calculation of my calories and the anxiety I experience when I eat something I don't know the value is starting to creep towards the edge of eating disorder. I don't think I've gone that far yet - I definitely eat all the time and it never comes back up - but sometimes, when I'm stressing out over the numbers on the nutrition label, I wonder if I'm taking this a little too seriously.

This sounds kind of hypocritical given my entry like a day ago about feeling like I had some control over food. But now I feel overbearing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see food as just something to eat that fuels my body for a little while and not like some item in a game show where if I exceed a certain number I lose (or gain, so to speak).

My elliptical being broken isn't helping this much. I'm definitely worried now about getting in work outs and I dread trying to squeeze the gym into my schedule every day. When I first got started I would sometimes work out twice a day, and now I'm trying my best to stick a workout in here and there. I regret not sticking to the Cto5K program like I had planned. I feel a little like I'm hanging on to the tail end of some momentum and I'm losing my grip.

Am I losing my willpower? I don't know. I know I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I know I'm going to be just as obsessive over my calories as ever. I guess I can just hope that these two habits will do their job without driving me insane in the process.

#118 Just Doin' My Thing (197.2)

2007-03-26T18:50:00.000-04:00

Oh what a week I've had! The places I've been, the things I've seen, the bars I've single handedly drank. I've been readjusting, getting caught up (well, sort of) in school, and spending time with family and friends. My mother is on a mission currently to become a contestant on Deal or no Deal so I've been helping her with the application and audition video. The picture is of a cake she made for the tape - it's a Deal or No Deal case! It's amazing in person and also very delicious, because yes, I had a bite of that case and it tasted like a million bucks.

Despite the cake - and copious amounts of beer - I weighed in this week at 197.2! Holy crap! Even away for a week on vacation and then another week of just trying to function after my vacation I managed to shed another 4.6 pounds. This lands me solidly in the 100s! A 200 pound girl I shall never again be.

I guess it goes without saying that things are going well with the weight-loss fitness stuff. I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted last week but I tried not to let that discourage me. I feel more confident than ever that food just might not be a problem for me anymore. Somewhere, somehow, I think I made my peace with food and decided that it isn't evil, that we can work together, that I can have a little and it's not a bad thing. I've learned how to make 1200 calories go a very long way and I've never been happier with the way I'm eating. I feel, for the first time in my life, like I get to make the decisions - not my food. This is huge.

As far as the challenge goes... I could be doing better. The forty day challenge has been easy as can be, getting up at 8 isn't a problem anymore and I really enjoy having that extra couple of hours in the morning to do whatever. Eat my breakfast, watch the news, pick up around the house, just be generally productive.

My other challenge, to keep up the Couch to 5K and to use Paul the Ball daily hasn't gone so well. I have been using Paul but not as often as I had hoped and I've all but stopped the Cto5K program. I didn't run at all over vacation and it's like I lost my running mojo somewhere over the ocean. I'm still chipping away at my running times though, progressing very slowly every time I hop on the treadmill. I guess I just lost my enthusiasm for it, so I'm taking it easy on the running. I'm sure, when I get the bug again, I'll get right back on track. I'm still getting in a full hour workout as often as possible (ideally 5 to 6 days a week) so it's not like I'm slacking, just switching it up.

I'm also really behind on reading blogs. I have a test to take tonight, but then, if I don't get sidetracked, I'm going to do my very best to make the rounds. I've been a horrible partner to Carrie this month, for which I apologize. March is whizzing right by me and I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do what I want!

Also, before I forget, Jeannie, I got a letter in the mail today from the USPS that said the envelope I sent your present in was found empty. I'm not sure if the present ever reached you, so let me know and if that's the case I'll see what I can do to rectify the situation. I've never had this happen before! I'll be so sad if it never got to you.

#117 A Fat Rant

2007-03-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

Caution: a tiny bit of language, but nothing awful.

While I love the pro-fat essence of this little video, some of the statistics she rattles off startled me. The idea that most people will regain all of the weight they loose in a fairly short period of time freaks me out.

Thoughts?

#116 My Triumphant Return

2007-03-20T18:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back from the wild world that was Spain. The details are a little foggy but I can report, for sure, that a better vacation was never had. It was relaxing and adventurous all at once and I wouldn't change a single second of it. I've never been more happy to see my old friends and spend quality time with them doing what we do best drinking, dancing, and debating. We did tons and tons of walking, and the picture to the right shows the Alhambra Palace which was one hell of a climb, let me tell you. The views were well worth it.

It's worth noting that I got the best feedback one could possibly get from them concerning my weight loss. My best gay friend told me several times that I looked just fabulous, and one of his friends that I'd met only once before told me that I looked like a different person - happy and healthy. I was even referred to as pretty once! Woah! We went out one night and a guy grabbed me from my seat and swirled me around the dance floor, accepting nothing less then a dance with me before I laughed my way to the exit. Honestly, I've never felt so good about myself as I did after that night. Someone picked me!

I think all of that has made me feel very comfortable where I'm at right now. I may or may not have gained a pound or two while I was gone, but I'm not really concerned about it. The number seems like such a tiny insignificant thing right now.

That's not to say that I'm so comfortable that I'm going to just hang out here. Now that I'm home I'm back to keeping a watchful eye on what I'm eating and I'm being sure to keep exercise in my daily routine. My first day back at the gym was yesterday and it went okay, with the only bump being that I had a really hard time doing any running at all. I'm not feeling particularly passionate about running at the moment so I'm not fretting, I still worked out hard and know that I didn't slack off which is the real point. I came home to find my cat had chewed through the electrical wires on my elliptical, but my dad thinks he can fix it, so we'll see. I can live without my at home machine but I really don't want to.

I'll be taking photos of my food for the challenge tonight and tomorrow, posting tomorrow night assuming nothing crazy comes up. Still trying to get my life back in order and get my body back on an American schedule.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week! I'll be making the rounds as soon as I get a chance!

#115 Chasing the White Rabbit (201.8)

2007-03-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

Oooh, Onderland is so close I can almost taste it! Today's weigh in yielded a loss of 2.2 pounds, putting me 1.8 pounds shy of my Spain goal. Can I lose 1.8 pounds in five days? Probably. Am I stressing out about it? Not even a little. Back in October I never would have thought it was possible to be almost under 200 by the time I left for my vacation. But alas! Sometimes you surprise yourself.

I had maybe the worst run ever today. Almost as soon as I got to the gym this afternoon my Nano froze and, since I'm new, I didn't know how to reset it (Apparently you just hold the menu and center button at the same time and it resets itself. Good to know. Kind of wish Apple's trendy minimalist directions had mentioned that.). So, I spent most of my workout seriously pissed off that it wasn't working. My anger (and lack of musical distraction) really effected my running. All I could do the whole time was stare at the clock, watching the seconds slowly go by while I huffed and puffed in agonizing silence. Never again will I run without music.

For some reason the bad run left me in such a funk I resorted to getting some pad Thai with tofu at a local Thai restaurant to devour while doing my homework tonight. Not exactly the most healthy meal, but I wanted something I could eat while studying that wouldn't require any kind of preparation. Plus, It's Monday so I've got the whole week to burn it off.

Thanks so much to everyone who left advice at my last post. I've emailed him back and, since I'm leaving the country for a week in 5 days, have bought myself some time to think it over and get to know him a little more. I can't believe how incredibly naive I am when it comes to these things. I'm so socially underdeveloped that it scares me sometimes.

My new partner for March is Carrie! Go visit her blog and tell her she's wonderful!

#114 What Would You Do?

2007-03-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

I exercised so much today even my hands are tired. It hurts to type. Ouuuch.

But, what I really want to talk about is this strange issue I find myself trying to sort out:

Not too long ago I discovered craigslist and spent endless hours surfing through all the ridiculous postings from people looking for whatever it is they're looking for. While perusing the "Stricly Platonic" category I found a listing that was a little old but made me laugh, so I decided to take a chance and email the guy. We've been emailing back and forth now for a little over a week, about an email a day, and we're really hitting it off (well, as much as you can over the internet). Today I get an email asking if I want to meet up and see a movie.

So what do I do now? On the one hand I'd really like to take another chance and meet this guy since we seem to have so much in common. But then my mind spins into all the "What ifs..." and I end up hesitant and conflicted.

A) What if he thinks I'm ugly? If I was to meet him I would feel the need to send him a disclaimer before hand ("WARNING: The girl you are about to meet is not a size 2. We suggest you take this into consideration before you ask her out.") just so he knows what he's getting in to.

B) What if he thinks I'm boring? I'm incredibly shy in person, I get shakey, and nervous and usually sweat a little and it's all around not attractive or cool.

C)What if he's a serial killer? Perhaps this should be my biggest concern, considering I've only "known" the guy for a week, and even then it's over the internet.

I'm not sure why I keep thinking of it as a date, when I found the listing in the Platonic section, but that's what it feels like (not that I'd know - I've never dated anyone). What if I accept and meet him up thinking it's a date and then he starts talking about his beautiful girlfriend that he forgot to mention? Woe.

I outlined the situation to my best friend, a girl who is an accomplished serial dater, and she suggested I completely ignore the invitation and just keep on chattering away like nothing ever happened. This seems awfully rude to me, and if I had asked him to a movie and he ignored it I'd feel incredibly rejected.

Have any of you met someone online? Do you have any advice? What would you do?

#113 Pigs In The Sky

2007-03-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

We got the most disgusting storm ever today. First it snowed and snowed and snowed and then the heavens shot out this tsunami style rain that soaked into the snow and created the heaviest, most annoying sludge in the existence of sludge. Normally I would raise my arms in victory, declare a snow day and settle in for a marathon viewing of the Independent Film Channel. But today I had big plans for a run and weights at the gym, a workout I'd been anticipating all week. The storm was the most evil of dream crushers.

One of the most frustrating things for me right now is not being able to workout when I had planned to. I get this antsy, anxious feeling that makes me want to pound my feet and whine because dammit, I wanted to run today! I was supposed to do my first 20 minute run and had really been psyching myself up (and out) about how I was going to do. Whenever my run times get upped I'm always terrified that I won't be able to do it and then, once I've proved that I can do it, feel a certain amount of smug satisfaction. I pretty much live for that feeling of accomplishment right now and to not be able to run today and achieve something really bummed me out.

It's not really a big deal - I'll just go tomorrow instead - but I hate substituting elliptical at home for the gym. It's just not the same. Sure, Paul the Ball is there, and I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra, and I can watch ER and ogle George Clooney, but I don't think a home workout will ever measure up to one at the gym.

Look at me talking about missing a day at the gym like it's some kind of tragedy. I am a changed woman!

#112 Pardon My Bipolar

2007-02-27T19:57:00.000-05:00

My apologies for yesterday's sobfest. I think I was just having a moment. I'm feeling much better today, strong, confident, ass-kickin' good. I really appreciate the comments that were left for me, it really chilled me out to know that I wasn't completely insane for being a little freaked out about what's going on with me. I remember reading somewhere that weight loss can mess with your hormones, so I'm going to chalk yesterday up to a wonky hormone day.

Did I mention I got my bathing suit in the mail the other day? I had ordered two size, a 20 and an 18, to be safe, and the smaller of the two fit the best (woo!) so that's the one I'll be bringing with me to Spain. I ordered a black cover-up as well, which looks so cute I can hardly stand it. I'm actually beginning to entertain the idea that I might not be totally appalled to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends!

A pretty average day around here. I spent the morning at my parents finishing up my taxes (need that return money to pay for tequila shots!) and then went to my digital imaging class for a few hours. When I got home I hopped right on the elliptical to get my exercise in for the day. My new routine for days that I don't go to the gym is to use the elliptical for 50 minutes (increasing the resistance every 5 minutes until I reach level 6, and then working my way back to 1) and then doing a whole mess of crunches on my stability ball which I have named Paul. Paul the Ball.

For my march challenge I've decided to use Paul every single day. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything crazy, but it would be cool to be able to do these by the end of the month. For the week that I'm in Spain my goal is to stick to the Couch to 5K program. There's a gym at the resort so I'm going to do my very best to get to it three times to stay on track. That week I'll be doing 25 minute runs. Holy crap.

Good luck to everyone on the March challenges! I'm thrilled to see so many of us sticking with this and I can't wait to see where we all are when this challenge comes to a close (or gears up for year two, who knows!). You're all amazing.

#111 Metaphorical Body Armor (204.0)

2007-02-26T19:10:00.000-05:00

It's Weigh-in Monday here at A Better Year and I'm happy to say I lost 4.6 pounds this week. Thanks to this lovely loss if I'm not under 200 by the time I leave for Spain I should be damn close.

I worry sometimes that I am losing way too quickly. Four month ago I was 50 pounds heavier and it feels almost like I snapped my fingers and found myself a mere four pounds from 200. I feel so lucky that this is working for me when other people seem to struggle week after week. I realize this is an excellent problem to have, losing weight quickly, but I don't want to be one of those women who looses a ton of weight only to bounce right back to where they started.

Mostly, I am so scared of what lies ahead. I've spent a lot of my life thinking that as soon as I was under 200 pounds everything would be different and certain aspects of my life would sort themselves out and I'd be this incredibly happy skinny chick that everyone envied. I am this close to leaving the 200s and I feel completely terrified to venture into unknown territory. I'm worried about losing my identity because being the sarcastic fat girl is what I've always done. I'm worried about gaining some confidence, getting out into the world, and being shot down and not having my weight to blame for it.

I literally feel like I'm shedding my armor and am about to be pelted with all kinds of painful social arrows. I didn't realize that losing weight could be this scary. Hopefully no one hates me for whining about losing weight, it's just that I'm nervous and need to vent and I know I'm going to feel like a jerk the second I post this. Egh.

#110 Challenge Update

2007-02-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I addressed how I'm doing on the two challenges going on over at 12 Months of Health, Fitness, and Fun. I think that finding the challenge back in late December was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. Knowing I've got other people to check in on and other people popping by to see how I'm doing is a different kind of motivation. The challenge has made me feel accountable for my actions, but not in a scary "Don't mess up!" sort of way, in a comforting "if you fall the landing will be mostly soft" kind of way.

My challenge for February was to get less than 50% of my calories from carbs each day.I looked back through my FitDay log and it appears I've gone over 50% seven times, but never by more then 5%. I'm calling this good. It's incredibly hard to eat fruits without kicking your carbs up and basically impossible to eat a sandwich unless you buy that super expensive (and super stingy) law-carb bread. The only reason I chose this as my challenge for February was to make my self more aware of how my calories broke down. I'm really good about keeping my calories low, so targeting a specific part of my calories was just another way to refine my eating.

On a sort of related note, this afternoon I tried those fancy Fiber One bars that everyone is crazy over. While I'll agree that it is completely tasty, I felt like I was eating a rice crispie square, I don't think it's hearty enough to actually curb any kind of hunger I'm feeling. If you've got a craving for chocolate or something chewy this bar is definitely the way to go, but certainly not if you're looking for some hunger satisfaction.

Anyways, back to challenge stuff. The second challenge, starting just a few days ago was to start getting up at 8 AM in order to better utilize my time during the day. The first morning was really rough, but I got through it because I had an eye doctor's appointment and an oil change scheduled. The second day was a little easier, and because I had no errands I was able to get to the gym around 9:00 and o my run surrounded by the kind, unpretentious senior citizens that populate the treadmills in the mid-morning. This morning I decided that since it was Sunday I would give myself a little break and get up at nine. Sadly, my attempt at cheating was foiled as Chandler (my cat) apparently was under the impression that we get up at 8:00 now and was jumping all over my head.

So the challenges are going well in that they're both serving their purpose of keeping my aware and active. With February just a few days away from being over I've got my mind working on what I want to do for the month of March. I have to keep in mind that I've got a trip coming up, so that'll have to play into it somehow. It seems like I'm cheating myself of a good challenge if I make my mission to just keep on doing what I'm doing so I'll have to think of a way to step it up a notch.

#109 Fame! Fortune!

2007-02-23T16:19:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to say thanks to Kimberly at CalorieLab.com for the little write up about my blog! I feel all at once flattered and foolish because this means someone came here and read this and thought it didn't suck too hard. So thanks, Kimberly, I appreciate it!

I think this make me an official Fat Blogger and am expecting my badge any day now. I'm going to sew it on my vest right above my Water Drinking badge.

You can read the profile here.

#108 Group Challenge

2007-02-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

Michelle has posed a new group challenge to give up something for 40 days in hopes of turning a bad habit into a good one. After reading the posed challenge I was dumb-founded. What can I possibly give up? I feel like I dedicate so much of myself to being healthy already that I was at a loss for something worth giving up.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I don't have too many horrible habits. Sure, I drink an occasional diet soda, once a week I have an alcoholic drink or two and occasionally I eat frozen yogurt. These are hardly things that it would be hard to give up for forty days because, well, they are the normal things in life that keep me from feeling like I'm on some insane diet.

So what am I going to give up? After thinking about it for awhile I realized the only thing right now that I really want to work harder at is getting more done in the day. I've decided for the next forty days I'll get up at 8:00 every morning. No more sleeping in until 10 every day, no more eating breakfast at 11:00 AM. I think this is totally doable and I'm actually kind of excited to see how I do. I used to be an early riser but my current schedule allows for copious amounts of lazy. Maybe with the extra time I'll even be able to step up my workouts!

The trouble I had thinking of something to change got me thinking about how much I've already given up. There's a conversation going on at sparkpeople about people's worst food confessions. Reading through them I could relate to almost every single one. My worst food was always starchy things like pizza and chips. Near the end of this past summer I would buy a bag of sour cream and onion ruffle chips (the big bag, you know, for a whole family)and eat the whole bag. Or buy an entire frozen pizza and challenge myself to eat the whole thing - really! It was like a contest with myself to see if I could eat it all and usually I'd get about 3/4 of the way through before I had to slow down for a bit to make some room. I always finished the whole thing. In the pizza eating contest, I was always the winner.

What are your worst food confessions? If you've given them up, do you miss them? What have you substituted for that food, if anything?

#107 We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Normalcy (208.6)

2007-02-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

A loss this week of .4, an undeserved .4 but I guess I'm lucky like that. I really tested the boundaries with my metabolism this week and I could sort of tell that I was in the back of my mind. I guess you want to see how bad you can be and still get away with it. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, this makes my 200lbs by Spain goal a little far fetched. But, crazier things have happened.

Reasons I only lost .4 pounds this week:

I'm on my period

I had a good sized loss last week

I had a doughnut on Friday (It was delicious)

Drank way too much Saturday night

Buffalo Chicken Salad with REAL Ranch Dressing

I didn't track my calories as closely as I had been

I drank basically no water

I skipped one of my workouts to watch movies on my couch

So! I know what went wrong and I know what I can do to fix it and I'll be doing that all week. Things got off to a great start this morning as I woke up a little earlier then normal and went to the gym. Started Week 4 of Cto5K and had my first set of 5 minute runs this morning. I still can't believe that I was able to do the whole workout without passing out. I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds 4 weeks ago and now I'm busting out 5 minute runs like it's nothing. Well, not nothing, the last one was a little rough but I powered through.

I think I'm going to invest in a stability ball this week. I've been wanting one for quite awhile now but didn't buy one because I doubted my commitment and really didn't want a huge ball mocking me in my teeny tiny apartment. But I think at this point it's safe to say I'm in this for the long haul and would definitely benefit from having one. Via Dietgirl I've been perusing some of the exercises over at trainwithmeonline.com and am itching to try out a few. You know when you're sitting on the couch watching American Idol for like 5 hours a week (seriously, I think it's on for 5 hours this week. It's like a part time job, watching American Idol) and you feel like the time would be better spent if you were doing crunches or something? I think the ball would be a good motivator in that way.

I noticed a disturbing trend in the last week when I sort of loosened up the reins on the diet. I found that I was eating a small breakfast, a small lunch, no snacks, and then a huge lumberjack style dinner. Being that I am a young person I like to go out and now that I'm 21 the prospect of drinking a few Margaritas is always an available option and I noticed that I was squirreling away my calories "just in case" something came up. That ends today. This morning I returned to a normal sized breakfast, am eating plenty for lunch, and will have a nice, normal sized dinner.

What's funny about my unbalanced eating is that now that I've realized what I was doing I feel like I've just dropped 5 pounds of stress from my life. I didn't realize until now that I was really starting to worry about how to have fun and keep my calories down. I kept thinking how can I make it look like I'm not dieting without an explosive amount of calories? When really what I should have been doing was focusing on the fun and not the food/drinks that came with the fun. I'm having such a "Duh." moment. Excellent, glad I've sorted that out for myself.

#106 The Doomed Run

2007-02-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

The cosmos were working against me today as I tried to run my last workout of week three of Cto5K. The magazine I was distracting myself with went flying down the treadmill and I had to hop to avoid slipping on it as I ran. Then my jacket, which I was using to cover the clock, slipped off and revealed the seconds ticking away, begging me to count them when I knew it would only make the run harder. And then My headphones kept popping out of my ears and swinging all over the place, whacking me in the face while I'm trying to do work.

I was furious when I finished my run, huffing and puffing, pissed that so much had gone wrong. Then I gained some perspective and thought about how I'd finished another week of the program and maybe these instances were just meant to be obstacles to challenge my will. You know, or something less deep and introspective. Regardless, I was annoyed, but finished the workout and am pumped to start week four.

But! On a much happier note, I received my January Challenge surprise from Jeannie. A power water bottle and a couple of mix CDs, one for working hard and one for cooling down afterwards. I gave them a little test run yesterday and kept cracking up when certain songs came on. So, thank you so much to Jeannie! I love them and the water bottle definitely rocks! (I have your gift but the weather kept me from mailing it so it's going out on Monday! I know I'm wicked late...I'm so sorry!)

Tonight I'm going out for a drink with my sister and then meeting up with a friend for wine and movies. Layin' low and enjoying the weekend. I think that after this weekend I'm going to dig my heels in and throw everything into the next three weeks before my trip. I think the vacation will be that much more relazing if I know I worked hard to get there.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

#105 Ellipting My Ass Off

2007-02-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

My little corner of the world is in lock down right now in anticipation of "the worst nor'easter in several years". Considering Maine hasn't had a real crazy winter in quite a while, I figure the snow is due. It amuses me that so many people around here get so bent out of shape when it's predicted that we'll get some snow. You live in Maine!

The only problem I have with the snow is that the big storm falls on a day that I had planned to run at the gym. If it snows too much I won't be able to go and that'll put me a day behind on my planned schedule. Not a big deal, just puts a little cramp in my style.

For some reason I was really craving some hardcore elliptical work today, so I hopped on my machine for forty minutes before class and forty minutes afterwards. That certainly took care of that craving! I guess with my trip a mere 24 days away I'm feeling the need to crack down and do work. Oh, and my elliptical needs it's batteries replace - I've never used a machine so much that I had to change the battery! Does this count as an NSV? Haha.

I cooked steak for the first time ever today. That was an adventure. My mom sent me home from her place last night with this juicy rib eye and told me to cook it up for myself when I felt like having steak. I hadn't had steak, or beef for that matter, in quite awhile so I gave it a show. I singed one side pretty bad, and overcooked it a little, but it was delicious. I split it into two meals, one where I just ate the steak itself and some soup, and another where I made the steak into a wrap with a whole wheat tortilla and fat free ranch dressing. Yum!

I'm off to cozy up with some tea and American Idol. Hope everyone's week is going well!

#104 The Ultimate Wardrobe Woe (209.0)

2007-02-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

Another weigh in, another 3.2 pounds down! Apparently my body handles the sugar and alcohol that ran rampant in my diet this past week like a champ. Oh, merciful metabolism, I thank thee for being so kind this week.

Now on to the real purpose of this entry. I need a bathing suit. Egh. Urg. Blegh.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before, but in about 4 weeks I'm going to be taking a trip to Marbella, Spain with some friends for Spring Vacation. I know, how very college student of me. This trip, which I've known about for about 9 months, was only a small part of my motivation to start moving around more, but now that I'm down forty four (!!!) pounds, the urge to get under 200 by March 10th is a strong one. I don't want to pressure myself into time limits, but wouldn't it be so freakin sweet to get on that plane weighing less than 200 pounds!? With only nine pounds to go, I have to believe it's entirely possible.

To the left is the suit that I've chosen. I'm sort of pale so I worry a little about the bright pink, but I think if I go tanning a few times I'll be able to pull it off. To be safe, I ordered two, one in a size 18 and another in a size 20. I have a very small window to find a suit that fits for this trip so I'm not taking any chances. Whatever doesn't fit is going back. So what do you guys think? Will this suit be able to handle for my big hips and not-exactly-taut stomach? I think the scrunch-i-ness in the front (clearly I have no fashion prowess) might hide some rolls, and the almost shorts like bottoms might cover some of the thighs. I ordered a cover-up as well because I know I'll probably never have the confidence to strut around in a bathing suit when not in a pool.

Bathing suits are so terrifying. I should have planned ski vacation!

#103 - Food Porn

2007-02-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

This weekend has posed it's own gauntlet of challenges. I knew I had to get in two workouts since I'd skipped a workout on Tuesday, and had some trouble convincing myself that working out on weekend wasn't such a bad thing. Eventually, after much procrastination I put on my big girl panties and just went to the gym. Twice. So workouts happened.

Then, yesterday, I had two dinners. Let me explain, it was planned that The Sister and I would go out that night to get some drinks and an appetizer to share, so when I went to my parents for a dinner visit, I was sure to keep my portions on the petite side. Mom served up some Seafood Florentine, pulled pork, homemade bread, and something called Napa Salad which is basically an Asian salad with ramen noodles and some kind of tangy dressing.

When I arrived at my sister's she wasn't feeling very good, so we decided to call off the night out and stay in for the evening. Due to a lack of options we made our own version of KFCs "Famous Bowls" with corn, mashed potatoes, chicken, and gravy. Again, I kept my portion at a nice amount, but if I'd known what was about to happen I wouldn't have eaten anything at all.

Since we were already in and she'd just received some Netflix we decided to throw an impromptu Movie Night Extraordinaire. She phoned up her brother in law asking him to come over and bring some movie snacks. I piped in that I'd like some Mike & Ike's and figured I'd nibble a few and call it good. Easier said then done.

Here is a short list of what he brought with him: Movie Buttered Popcorn, Twizzlers Cherry Bites (2 boxes), Charleston Chew Minis (2 boxes), Airheads (2 boxes), I large bag of peanut M&Ms, Chocolate covered pretzels, Lifesavers Gummies (2 boxes), Mike & Ikes (2 boxes), and snowcaps. Keep in mind this was for four people to enjoy. Four people! We each made our own bowl of selected treats and when I peered down into my bowl it looked like something Willy Wonka might have regurgitate. A smorgasbord of sugary bliss. It was a child's greatest dream fulfilled. Oof.

So, with all that being said, it should be interesting to see how the weigh in goes tomorrow. I've probably never consumed so much sugar in my entire life, and I'm not even sure how my body handles sugar as it's something I don't eat a whole lot of very often.

I guess I should note that the whole night was a lot of fun, which is totally the point, but man. No one ever warned my about that sort of situation popping up. They don't teach you how to deal with that kind of thing in health class.

Daily Post #100

2007-02-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty quiet over here lately, which can only mean that things in my life have been just the opposite. School is in full swing and eats up my entire week. Luckily I'm still finding time to hit the gym as often as possible and will be heading there once I finish this post.

Today is my last day of week 2 on the Couch to 5K program and I'm both nervous and excited to move on to the next week. I'm sure it's going to be like this the whole way through... me being scared that I'm not ready to take that next step. I guess we'll see how today goes before I establish a real opinion about it.

Yesterday I didn't feel much like leaving the house but still wanted to work out. I happened to surf past FitTV while sitting on my couch and decided to give an at-home workout a try. I know a lot of people really prefer to work out at home, for whatever reason, but most of the time I can't stand the idea. I feel foolish going through the motions. So, yesterday I closed the curtains in my living room and did "Kick, Punch, and Crunch Cardio Blast" for an hour. I actually had a lot of fun going through the routine and bouncing around in front of my television. To my surprise, I even got pretty sweaty from the workout! I've never broken a sweat from a workout DVD before - usually because I turn them off before I get to the good stuff.

I doubt the home workout will be something that I do often, and I'll probably just keep it for a back-up option on days when it's too cold to go outside. Plus, you can't hate a workout that allows you to stay in pajamas and socks.

What The Hell Am I Doing?

2007-02-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

I've had a couple people ask me what the heck I'm doing to be dropping weight like I am. The short answer is, simply, eating less and moving more. Of course, it's not as simple as that, and if it was we'd all have move star bodies and blogs like this wouldn't exist.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this time is different for me. What changed in the past year that made this possible for me now when I had failed so many times before? After thinking for awhile I realize there are four things I keep in mind every day, that I never thought about too much before.

1. Break A Sweat Every Day. I work out way more now then I ever have before. I try my best to get to the gym 5 days a week, and work out at home one day on the weekends. Sometimes I really don't feel like going, but I do it anyway. Sometimes I feel like cutting it short, but I never do. Also, I'm using the weights as often as I'm doing cardio. I stretch out before and after. I stay hydrated and keep good music flowing on my Ipod. I eliminate as many distractions as I can and then do work.

2. Getting Over Myself. This may be the hardest thing that I have changed, but I've really learned to let go. Gym Fear has plagued me in the past, and was definitely a contributing factor in past gym experiences. Then, one day I just got over it. I worked out my hardest no matter what was going on around me at the gym. I've worked out in front of friends, friend's boyfriends, ex-crushes, family members, and class mates. As soon as I decided to not let what other people might think about me effect what I was doing, my gym visits became more enjoyable and more beneficial.

3. Water, Water, More Water. I'm told that we lose weight through fluids, and I have to believe that that is true. The more water you drink, the better things flow. Every time I drink water I think of it as a water slide for my fat to glide out on. Plus, my complexion is better then it's ever been.

4. Writing Down What I Eat. This is a discipline that I would encourage anyone to try and get in to. It's enlightening to see where your calories come from and to experiment with different kinds of food to create a menu that's filling and also healthy. I eat about 1200 calories a day and have found that over time I've adjusted to eating that amount and even on days that I don't calculate my calories before eating I usually end up around there anyway. I don't drink my calories, and I snack all the time. Maybe most important is that I eat what I want, so long as I account for it somewhere. If I'm going to have a big dinner I'll have a smaller lunch. If I want to indulge in a big breakfast I'll take it easy on my other meals. I believe that the quality of the food you eat will make or break your success.

So, that's what I'm doing. Just truckin' along, applying my principles, eating and sweating. This is what's been working for me...What works for you?

100 Things About Me (212.2)

2007-02-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Monday weigh in: 212.2, down another 1.4 miraculous pounds this week!

Thank you all so much for your birthday wishes! You guys rock!

In celebration of my birthday and my 100th post to this fatblog I'd like the share with you 100 things about the Megster.

1. My favorite color is green. If I had it my way, everything in the world would be some shade of green.
2. I'm very smart, but very lazy.
3. My biggest fear is dying alone.
4. My second biggest fear is a member of my family dying at a young age.
5. I have two tattoos.
6. I will always regret not performing in my highschool coffee houses.
7. I have one cat. His name is Chandler and he runs my apartment.
8. I created my first website when I was 10.
9. It was a Hanson fansite because I was obsessed with the youngest member.
10. I've always sort of secretly wished I'd studied literature and become an editor.
11. I demanded to be taught how to read when I was three years old.
12. I have killed 5 computers in the last 5 years.
13. I am studying to become a Web Developer - computers beware!
14. No, I do not know how to fix your computer.
15. I hate working, which is okay with me since I'm happy with not having a lot of money.
16. If I could do anything, I would travel professionally.
17. I'm a liberal democrat.
18. Most of my friends in highschool were gay.
19. I graduated highschool in 2004.
20. It feels unnatural when I use agressive swear words.
21. I have one younger brother and an older sister that I love like crazy.
22. I'm so greatful that my family members are as cool as they are.
23. I watch a movie almost every single day. Sometimes more then one.
24. I once peirced my own nose.
25. My next car will be a hybrid; I think they're pretty and I enjoy the environment.
26. If I had been born a boy I was going to be named Mason.
27. If I have children, I think I'll name my first girl Zooey.
28. I've broken my arm three times.
29. I played field hockey in middle school and high school. I was pretty good.
30. I love weird movies about strange people doing crazy things.
31. I played the clarinet for 8 years. The last time I played was my last day in highschool. I have no urge to play ever again.
32. I've never been in a real relationship.
33. Sometimes I get this weird feeling that I've already met the person I'm supposed to be with and we're just not ready for each other yet.
34. A psychic once told me that I had psychic tendencies and if I opened up I would be able to use them.
35. I'm probably the most honest person I know.
36. I watch way too much tv. According to my parents, I've always been a boob tube junkie.
37. My favorite songs are "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal, "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters, and "Motorcycle Driveby" by Third Eye Blind
38. I'm a romantic, but have never acted romantically towards anyone.
39. I can use chopsticks, and most of the time prefer to.
40. I can cry on command.
41. I find the idea of reincarnation comforting.
42. I got caught drinking in YMCA locker room when I was 14.
43. My middle name is Ashley.
44. I don't like anything flavored Peanut Butter.
45. My first boyfriend's name was Dane, we were friends through highschool. Sometimes I miss him.
46. I play the Sims addictively.
47. I like buying presents for other people.
48. When I was a kid I broke one of the glasses from my parents wedding and never told them.
49. I love playing board games.
50. I have a weakness for scary movies.
51. I was a girl scout for a year - we raised enough money for a trip to NYC and then my entire troup quit.
52. I can't watch Karaoke, it makes me anxious to see people embarassed.
53. I swear that I once saw Santa Claus - in clear day - over the park next to my elementary school.
54. I love writing in journals, but am too self-concious to write what I'm really feeling.
55. In my eighth grade picture I have aqua colored hair.
56. I dream that I am running all the time.
57. I find men who are older then me more attractive.
58. I have practically no social skills... it makes me embarass myself alot.
59. I have curly hair that I've learned to love.
60. In elementary school I got a "Smilie!" (warning) for throwing rocks at cars.
61. I used to steal quarters from my little brother to buy cookies at school.
62. I'm a pretty nice person, even if this list might lead you to think that I'm not.
63. My favorie author is Kurt Vonnegut.
64. From the ages of 8 to 10 I was on a swim team. I haven't been in a pool since.
65. I'm more like my father than I like to admit.
66. When I'm older I want to adopt a child.
67. I've seen every episode of Friends at least 3 times.
68. I get my mother flowers on my birthday.
69. I'm afraid I'll never fall in love.
70. I have a fish named Charlie.
71. My ultimate fantasy is to move to Paris and become a waitress.
72. My ears were pierced when I was just a few months old.
73. The smell of hospitals makes me panic.
74. On my 20th birthday I had my gallbladder removed.
75. I love the smell of Noxzema.
76. I like shopping alone.
77. Fall is my favorite time of year.
78. I'm a horrible liar, I've recently realized it's because my dad was a ruthless investigator of the truth.
79. I can hear a song once and remember the lyrics forever.
80. I consider myself a collector of music.
90. I am almost always cold.
91. I wear very little makeup - mostly just eyeliner and shadow.
92. I hate talking on the phone, I don't like not knowing what expression the person I'm talking to is wearing.
93. My driver's license says I weigh almost 80 pounds less then I do.
94. I think people who go against the conveyor belt of schooling are admirable.
95. I lose my keys on a daily basis.
96. I have one single freckle on my lip.
97. I'm a cheap date - I can get drunk from 1 margarita.
98. I love coffee, and own a coffee maker, but never brew at home.
99. I have green eyes that get greener when I'm upset or sad.
100. I am treating myself better now then I ever have before.

Daily Post #93 & 94

2007-02-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

Calories in: UNsure
Calories out: Unsure
Difference: Unsure

This weekend looks like it's going to be as challenging as the last few days of been. You know, when it rains it pours and all that. Food is everywhere right now and while I'm doing excellent with portions, pizza is never all that great for you.

But, here's why I'm not stressing out: My birthday is on Monday and it's expected that I'm going to have a good time. And my rings are loose on my fingers, so I'm making progress. I'm certainly not sacrificing fun on my birthday for a digital number in my bathroom.

Tonight I'm having dinner with the family, and my mom is cooking...something. I've been left out of the loop on purpose, but I'm sure it will be delicious and I'm looking forward to enjoying it. Plus, there should be cake, and I do love a little piece of cake.

Sunday is the Super Bowl and I'm making an apple pie at the request of my brother in law. I think we're having Nachos, and dip, and Roast Beef and Cabbage. Kind of a weird assortment, but we like to eat comfort foods while watching football.

Here's another reason I'm not stressing out: I'm wearing pants that didn't fit 2 weeks ago. It's all good.

A weekend of good times is certainly not going to kill me. I indulge more on my birthday then I do during the holidays. It's my time, I do with it what I want.

So I'm not stressing out. In fact, I feel pretty damn good.

Daily Post #91-92

2007-02-01T11:42:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2308
Calories out: 6765
Difference: 4457

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and it's really starting to get on my nerves. Part of it is my own fault - drinking caffeine so late at night -- and other parts aren't. For example, my cat has this bad habit of getting very rowdy around 3 AM and then pouncing on my head. Also, it's freakishly cold in my apartment, only about 20 degrees warmer than it is outside and February in Maine is basically as cold as it gets around here. I'm not sure what I'm going to do to remedy this problem, short of drinking some liquor and passing out (not the best idea). Hopefully I'll get some good sleep soon though, because it's starting to effect my will to workout. And we can't have that can we!?

- - -

I went to the gym yesterday to do the second workout of Cto5K and found myself in an uncomfortable situation. I wasn't feeling very well (I think I have a cold coming on), and felt a little nauseous, but decided to work out anyway. So I'm sniffling a little, getting ready to start jogging and these two girls come into the gym. Now, I try not to make judgements about people that I don't know, but I couldn't help chuckling at these girls. They were maybe 17 years old, blond hair, super-tanned, and...were wearing matching outfits. Yea.

So these girls walk in and head towards the treadmills. I take a quick look and see that there are only 2 treadmills available, and they are located on the other side of me. I knew what was coming. I was about to be the filling in a Barbie sandwich.

The girls proceeded to help each other stretch out and hop on the two machines on each side of me, giggling like fools the whole time. That's when the worst part of this whole scene hit me: They both smelled strongly of vanilla frosting. I'm not kidding, it was like being enveloped in a giant cupcake. And not in a good way. I was already feeling ill and the combination of gym smell, vanilla frosting, and my achey tummy was just too much.

I finished my workout and sucked in some big gulps of fresh air the second I got outside, glad to be free from that vanilla scented hell. I guess it goes without saying that if I see them at the gym again I'm going to alter my workout to avoid the cupcake girls.

- - -

Today marks the first day of the February Challenge, and I'm glad to be done with January. I don't think I'm built to take in that much water. That's not to say I won't keep on with the hydration, I just won't be guzzling to the extreme I was in January. For February I'd like to keep a better eye on my carbohydrate intake. The last week in January I noticed that I was getting a little out of hand when it came to how my calories broke down. In February I'd like to keep it at about 50% or less, just to assure myself that I'm getting enough protein and fats. We'll see how it goes.

Also, much love to Jeannie, my personal cheerleader for January. Thanks so much for sticking by me!

Daily Post #90

2007-01-30T18:51:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1208
Calories out: 3227
Difference: 2019

Way back when I first got going The Sister and I would go to the local high school's track and walk around it a few time and even jog once in awhile. We probably did about a mile and a half to two miles on good days, and I was always a sore, sweaty mess afterwards. After awhile I got better at it, and learned to enjoy the jogging part, and was even able to jog half a mile without stopping. Then I messed up my knee somehow and decided to give jogging a rest and pursue other forms of fitness.

Yesterday I did the first workout of the Couch to 5K program after I posted. I couldn't believe how much I'd missed jogging. While I was working out I felt amazing and for the first time ever I didn't feel like a fool when I was running. Usually a feel a little like Kermit the Frog, flailing around. But yesterday I felt contained and in control, and I can only assume that I looked that way too.

When I was looking at the program I though the first week workouts looked a little too easy for me, but decided to give it a shot and see if I should start there. I'm glad I did because my legs are so sore today it hurts to move. And I love it! I've never been so excited about a workout in my entire life. I'm really looking forward to working through the program and becoming one of those people at the gym who seem to run forever.

My only other encounter with running was sprinting in field hockey, and I was never very good at it. I realize now that it was probably because it was all too much too soon. I was going from doing no running to intense running without any chance to adjust in between. I'm really looking forward to progressing and doing this now. It was embarrassing when I couldn't keep up with the team, and being able to run now would be like getting some kind of closure on what I consider some of the worst times in high school. I'm going to do this, and I'm doing it for me.

Here's my new schedule for working out:

Monday: Weights/Couch to 5K
Tuesday: Cardio
Wednesday: Weights/Couch to 5K
Thursday: Cardio
FRiday: Weights/Couch to 5K
Saturday: Light Cardio @ Home
Sunday: The Day of Rest

What do you think?

Daily Post #85-89 (213.6)

2007-01-29T14:23:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 5980
Calories out: 16068
Difference: 10088

(Numbers above are for the last 5 days.)

I can't believe it's been five days since I last wrote here. I never realize how busy school makes me until I start missing my vacation habits, like writing in here. Luckily I've been exercising consistently, and still eating pretty well. This last week I ate a lot of foods that I consider okay once in awhile (cheeseburgers, french fries, fast food salads, candy, spaghetti & sausage, bacon, orange juice) so it doesn't surprise me that I only lost 1.2 pounds this week, putting me .8 pounds from 40 pounds lost. My portions were all responsible, but the quality of the food, and the benefits of eating those foods, are far less then when I had been eating.

This week it's back to eating like a nutrition conscious being. Salads and grilled chickens, fish, yogurt, low-cal soups, lots of veggies and fruit. And water! I've been slacking hardcore on water as I've apparently re-discovered my love for diet Dr.Pepper. Not awful, but not good.

I'm thinking of re-vamping my gym program to avoid the touch of boredom I've been feeling. The most recent post at angryfatgirls got me thinking that I've been doing the same old same old for awhile now and it may be time to step it up a notch. I'm not much of a runner, but I was thinking about trying The Couch to 5K Program. I definitely feel the need for a challenge as I did 40 minutes on my home elliptical on Saturday and was bored and disappointed (and thrilled, all at once) with how easy it had become.

Daily Post #84

2007-01-24T17:49:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1180
Calories out: 3436
Difference: 2256

I love when I wake up in the morning and I just know that I'm going to have a good, productive day. Got my groceries done, went to class, hit the post office, did some cleaning, went to the gym, and did some errands. It feels really good to have done something today, instead of just sitting around. Without having a job I can tend to get sucked into a very sedentary routine, so the days when I have to go up and down the stairs to my apartment more then once are big days for me. I guess I just felt good today, something I never really experienced at a heavier weight.

Sometimes I can't get over just how much better I feel. Not just lighter, but happier. I never realised how much food and exercise plays a role in my disposition, but I definitely notice a difference that makes me wonder why I haven't been doing this my whole life.

Daily Post #83

2007-01-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1145
Calories out: 3470
Difference: 2325

A few things I made a mental note to talk about today:

1. I should never got to the gym around 5:00 if I intend to do weights. It's nearly impossible to get on the machines you need, people take forever to do their sets, and I swear I saw one guy napping on the leg press. And speaking of the leg press, why is there only one of these for the entire gym to use? I had to keep myself busy doing other things for forty five minutes tonight before it was free long enough for me to snag it. That is not cool. So, no gym for me at 5:00, way too frustrating.

2. I got curious yesterday and checked out how my BMI has change since October, when I first decided to move my mass around a little more. When I first started I was 46.3 and fell in the MORBID OBESE category. Morbid, indeed. Since then I have dropped my BMI seven points and now qualify as SEVERELY OBESE. Who knew that being severely obese could be an improvement?

3. So, I keep having these dreams when I'm working out at the gym, looking at sweaty but still totally adorable, and I meet a nice guy who has weigh problems too but is in the weight-loss groove just like me. We become workout buddies whilst commiserating over how mean people can be to you when you're fat. Eventually we fall madly in love and become a gorgeous super-star celebrity power couple not unlike Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie and live happily ever after with our adopted children. Really.

Daily Post #81, 82 (214.8)

2007-01-22T17:33:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2499
Calories out: 6306
Difference: 3807

Challenge: All is well on the water front, though school has posed a challenge as leaving to pee every 15 minutes will probably get on my professor's nerves.

Weighed in this morning a 214.8, a four pound loss from last week. Got to love the momentum my body has right now. It's dropping weight like nobodies business. I have to give myself some credit though, as I'm still working out 5-6 times a week and keeping calories around 1200 every day.

I've been on the hunt for jeans the last few days and with minimal success. I no longer can wear a pair of 22s without looking like a frumpy bag lady, but most of my 20's are out-dated, too short, or worn to death, since the last time I was a 20 was in early high school years (about 5 years ago). I went to Old Navy, a tried and true source for size 20 pants, and it turns out the chain closest to me doesn't carry any sizes above 18. Well okay. Since they were having a major sale I picked up some 18s (for $6!) for later. I went to my mom's today to drop off a movie and my mom gave me a pair of 20s that fit really well and a pair of 18s that fit me and make my thighs look positively small.

I need to take a moment and just say that I cannot recall ever wearing an 18. I swear I went from children's clothes straight to 20s. Pardon my squeal, but, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I can wear size 18 pants now!

Daily Post #79, 80

2007-01-20T11:13:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2349
Calories out: 6535
Difference: 4186

School started back up this week, and with that and my mom's surgery I've been more then busy. I'm still keeping things in check though, exercising as often as possible, and eating sensibly. I'm sort of functioning on auto-pilot when it comes to this weight loss stuff lately, which isn't a bad thing, but it more of a maintenance strategy then one to lose weight. Ah well, sometimes life gets in the way.

My mother's surgery went better then anyone expected it to. She has a history of having pretty serious complications whenever she has surgery (which is way more often then I can even begin to explain right now) but this time she pulled through like a champ. I went and visited her in the hospital on Thursday night and she was up and talking, watching TV, eating. I brought her home from the hospital yesterday and she was itching to start baking and do the laundry. She bounced back like it was nothing, and she'd had surgery on her spinal cord less than 48 hours before. The woman blows my mind.

Thank you all so much for your kind words in my last post. I haven't sorted things out with my brother just yet, but I did talk to my sister about it and we both feel we need to talk to him about the things he's been saying lately about everyone wanting him to be fat. I'm sure it'll come to a head eventually, and hopefully we can enlighten him to the proper way to deal with emotional stress.

I hope everyone out there in blog world is doing well! I haven't had much of a chance to read blogs lately, but hope to catch up on it this weekend. Congrats to Michelle on her Biggest Loser call back, I know we're all rooting for you!

Daily Post #77, 78

2007-01-17T18:18:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2733
Calories out: 6937
Difference: 4204

Water: Not so awesome, but not awful.

I'm glad I went to the gym before I went over to my parents tonight, because I know if I had planned to go afterwards I wouldn't have gone. It's amazing how the people you love the most in the world are the ones that some times stress you out the most.

I have a younger brother who is in the hight of his teenage angst. I didn't see him tonight, but before I arrived he got my mom all worked up. See, he has this weird habit of never eating anything my mom cooks for him. He'll eat McDonalds every day, but he won't touch the food that the rest of the family thinks is delicious. My mom is an excellent cook, something she's very proud of, and the fact that he won't eat anything she makes has always sort of offended her. Tonight he finally told her why he wouldn't eat her food. The reason? He claims that the food she makes is the reason my family has a history of being fat. That's the word he used, fat. My sister was fat, my dad is fat, and I'm fat.

He thinks she made us fat. My poor mother. Of all the things in the world that have made me weigh what I do, I never once considered my mother the source of my fatness. When she told me about this, she had tears in her eyes and I could have beat my brother up for saying what he said to her. I know that she wishes she could fix all of my problems, and she does usually, but she can't fix my fat and now she thinks it's her fault.

To make matters worse, my mom is going in for serious spinal surgery tomorrow, and she's got my brother's mean words hanging over her head. I just feel so awful. I assured her that I don't blame her for my weight, that I never have, and that it's my deal and my issue, but I know she doesn't believe me. The last thing I want is for her to be going into this surgery feeling like a bad mother, or doubting herself in any way.

I don't know, the whole situation just makes me sad and frustrated. And I really don't know what to do about it.

Daily Post #76 (218.8)

2007-01-15T16:52:00.001-05:00

Calories in: 1158
Calories out: 3505
Difference: 2347

Water: 8/8 glasses

I'm not sure what I was so freaked out about last night, but weigh in went just fine thank you very much. Down 2.8 pounds this week, landing me in the two-teens! That means that I have lost almost seven of these! I haven't been in the two-teens in years and years and years. Not even in high school, not even the last time I went on a crazy restriction diet. I am elated, and I feel more determined then ever to just DO WORK and get this done. You know, just do it (Thanks, Nike!). Thank you all for your good lucks last night, once I read them I felt better. You all are the best, really!

The weather in Maine has finally taken a turn towards winter. The new ice and snow on the ground presents a couple of problems for me when it comes to fitness. First, I hate driving in the snow and I do it as little as possible. Last year I got in three car accidents in two days because of snow, so you can understand my hesitation to leave the house whenever it gets slick outside. Yesterday when I woke up and looked out the window everything looked good, no snow on the ground, the sky was a little gloomy, but everything looked just fine for me to go out and head to the gym. I took one step out my front door and BAM, slid down my entire front steps, ass first, down to the very bottom. My cousin happened to be outside, salting his driveway and helped me up and over to my sisters where I spent the day whining about my sore booty and cooking cupcakes.

So, the gym didn't happen yesterday which could be the reason for my sour mood last night. I blame my broken butt.

That being said, I did work out today. I finally climbed back on my good old elliptical and cranked out about an hour and then did some ab exercises on the living room floor with my cat jumping all over me. Working out at home is okay, and I'll do it when I have to, but you really can't beat the gym. Who would have thought three months ago that I would be the crazy gym-bunny I've become!?

Daily Post #74, 75

2007-01-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2400
Calories out: 6249
Difference: 3849

Water: 16/16 glasses

Things have been quietly busy over here. I don't seem to be doing much, but I always feel like I'm out doing something. My focus is a little blurry right now, and I'm trying to bring it back in and get my head back into the game. This doesn't mean that I've been cheating or anything, in fact I'm feeling pretty good about the decisions I'm making, but I feel the potential to slip inching up on me and I know if I don't address it I won't be able to overcome it.

Tomorrow is a weigh-in day and, I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous about it. The past few weeks my losses have been smaller and smaller, which I'm worried will slide me right into a plateau. With my morale sagging a little, I could really use a good number, even if that number isn't suppose to be a big deal.

Perhaps I'll feel better tomorrow, after a hard workout, with a clear head.

Daily Post #73

2007-01-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1092
Calories out: 3462
Difference: 2370

Water: Not sure of total amount, but definitely drank 8 glasses

Nothing much to say today.

Daily Post #72

2007-01-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 993
Calories out: 2993
Difference: 2040

Water: Not so good, a very busy day

We have a little market in town that I visit occasionally for fresh produce. I don't go there very often since I usually do my groceries in one fell swoop and this place only have fruits and veggies,no meats and limited dairies. My mom and I went this afternoon and I got green peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, onions, grapes, apples, and pears. Everything came to under ten dollars! Wowza, I think I need to go there more often.

This afternoon I made this recipe to bring over to The Sisters. I do my laundry there every Thursday and she usually makes me a nice dinner while I'm there so I thought I'd return the favor. While it isn't inherently Diet Friendly I've decided not to sweat it. I think every food is Diet Friendly so long as you eat it properly. Besides, this isn't a diet. Right?

I think that's the best thing about the way I've been eating. I haven't been depriving myself of anything that I want. Every indulgence I feel I deserve I give myself, but in a responsible portion. Maybe that's what's different about this time around, usually I swear off bread, or chocolate, or everything remotely tasty, and this time I'm eating, well, normal. I know that this is a long term thing I'm trying to do and there's no way I can live my life without the occasional cheeseburger.

Somehow, I feel like I've discovered a dieting secret. Or maybe just finally understood one that was in front of me all this time: Moderation.

Daily Post #71

2007-01-10T14:47:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3629
Difference: 2429

Challenge Day 9: 92/64 oz.

I haven't been sore from working out in a really long time, but today I'm definitely feeling it. My legs ache when I climb the stairs to my apartment and my arms feel like noodles. It's sort of nice to know I'm working hard enough to feel the effects, but at the same time I just feel tired. This makes me wonder about over training, which I know nothing about. Is there a way to tell when you've reached a point where you just need to rest?

Everyone in the challenge seems to being doing so well! You all are so inspiring and helpful and I'm so glad I joined. It's definitely motivating to know that other people are doing what you're doing and you have that support. You guys rock!

Daily Post #70

2007-01-09T19:13:00.000-05:00

Calories in: ~1247
Calories out: 3500
Difference: ~2253

Challenge Day 8: 84/64 oz. (I'm kicking ass on my water!)

My calorie count is a little off today, since I'm not sure of the total calories in the fajitas I had for dinner. They were very small, and the box says 320 for two but I don't know if that includes meat and cheese. So it's an estimate. No worries, a little over won't kill me.

I had the hardest time getting to the gym today. I just didn't feel like going. I was so comfortable in my pajamas. But I sucked it up and went, and got a good 1 hour workout in. I even tried jogging again and got through a quarter of a mile before I couldn't breathe. I use to be able to jog so much more, but my damn knee won't cooperate.

A good day overall. Didn't get much done, but that's what vacations are for!

Daily Post #69 (221.6)

2007-01-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1129
Calories out: 3663
Difference: 2534

Challenge Day 8: 84/64 oz

Weigh in day! I'm down another two pounds, which is astounding to me. I feel like I drank my weight in wine this weekend. Oh well, I must have done something right!

True to my word, today was quite a busy day. I was at the gym with The Sister by 7:00 this morning, where I yawned while using the leg press. I was maybe a little over-zealous on my elliptical last night and my knees are sore today so I spent a lot of time on arms and less time on cardio/fat burn stuff. Still broke a hell of a sweat though, and when I left at 8:00 I felt good.

Next stop was my doctors for my annual physical. A few years ago I switched over to the lady doctor at this particular office and since then I haven't dreaded a physical. She's much more understanding of my concerns and I was happy to discuss my body issues with her. Apparently when I had a blood test last March my thyroid came back as being a little under active but the issue was pushed aside because my gallbladder was filled to the brim with stones and needed to be removed. She took another blood test today to check the thyroid again and make sure it's not getting worse or to see if it's at a level where we needs to take some action.

Can you imagine if all this time I had an under active thyroid that was working against me? Come on body, get with the program!

I also got my first Gardisal vaccination (The complete vaccination takes 2 more shots). My mother had cervical cancer about 2 years ago, which means my chances of getting it are increased, so when it was offered to me I said definitely yes. If you haven't already been vaccinated you should check it out - why not decrease your chance of getting cervical cancer?

After the doctors I returned some movies, applied for a credit card, got on my school's ass about my graduation forms, and cleaned up the puddles of beer left over from Saturday night's party. All I need to do now is pick up the black hole that I call my bedroom and I'm done my chores for the day!

ETA: Because I worked out so early this morning, I decided, since I had the time, to go to the gym again this afternoon. Gotta love high motivation days! I really want to be out of the 220s this week and I don't want to have any regrets or what ifs if I miss that mark.

Daily Post #68

2007-01-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1610
Calories out: 3605
Difference: 1995

Challenge Day 7: 68/64 oz

I had my final Christmas gathering this afternoon. For some reason one side of my family can never seem to get it together until a few weeks after Christmas. It's sort of become a tradition to wait until we're mid-January before we all get together. Because of this event, I ate about 400 calories over my usual today and I blame it on an unneccesary scoop of dip, and a piece of corn bread. Or maybe on the liquor that was flowing freely.

I heard one cousin say "I need to lose 20 pounds by August", another say "Today I'm going to pig out, and then tomorrow, it's back on the diet!" and another replied, "Yea, I'm on the "C" diet. If I see it, I eat it."

Then there was the illicit pizza eating of this evening. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have gone near these things with a ten foot pole.

I'm hitting the gym early tomorrow to try and kick things in my life back up a notch. I feel my patterns getting redundant and I'm ready to shake things up and get going again. I have school things to sort out, resumes to perfect, an apartment to clean, and tons of errands to make. I'll think of it as part of the new lifestyle, the more I'm out getting things done - the less I'm sitting at home watching VH1.

Daily Post #67

2007-01-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200(ish?)
Calories out: 3206
Difference: 2006

I can't even explain the crazy party that manifested in my living room tonight.

And I had the worst restaurant food of my life.

But I'm too tipsy to relate just now, so I'll save it for the AM.

Thank you all for the wonderful comments! You have no idea how great it is to come home to such encouraging words.

Daily Post #66

2007-01-05T22:16:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1125
Calories out: 3262
Difference: 2137

Challenge Day 5: ~80/64 oz

Today I threw out my size 22 pants and pranced around my apartment in my size 20s!

Daily Post #65

2007-01-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3600
Difference: 2400

Challenge Day 4: ~68/64oz

Sometimes I love coming hom from a night out and hoping on my elliptical for 20 minutes. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it really calms me down and has an unwinding effect for me. Sometimes I'll be pushing away on my elliptical as late as 11:30 at night, just to get that feeling.

What's odd is that y workout in the morning does just the opposite; it gets me going and pumped for the day. When I exercise in the AM I tend to get more done during the day, and have troule loungeing around.

I think it's the peacefulness of working out, showering, and getting into clean pajamas. I feel cleansed and refreshed. I'm so ready for bed!

The 'Fridge Challenge

2007-01-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

The folks over at the challenge are all posting pictures of the insides of their refrigerators, and I finally got around to snapping some shots of mine. There isn't ever much in my fridge since I live alone and don't work. I only buy what I need and I only shop when I'm completely out of things to eat. It's the college student way!

The Sad Insides

On the top shelf we've got my tiny jug of milk. I'm not a big milk drinker, but I do have some with my cereal in the morning. Next to that, some margarine and fat free cottage cheese. Next we have some fresh veggies made into a salad, some carrots, a bag of green grapes, low fat cheese, and some celery.

Second shelf is my party shelf! Light cranberry juice, a bottle of Midori, a lot of really bad beer, and some super cheap vodka (all stuff left over from a New Years party). I hardly ever drink so that stuff will be there forever. I have some soy eggnog left over from the holidays (I've only had one glass of it. It probably isn't good anymore.) and an orange juice container that I use to keep cold water on hand.

The bottom shelf has more salad and a sad little sweet potato, just waiting to be eaten. No picture of what's in the bottom drawer since it's empty.

Door O' Condiments

In the door I have your general condiments; mustard, ketchup, bbq sauce, and a few different salad dressings. The top shelf also has a big jar of sour pickles - my secret weapon for killing cravings.

The bottom shelf has salsa, pepperoncinis, more salad dressing, an open can of soup, and a huge bottle of aloe for all my cuts and burns. I'm sickeningly white so I sizzle like bacon in the summer, so yes, all that aloe is neccesary :)

Freezer of a Single Girl

In the freezer I have very little. Next to the (empty) ice cube trays is some frozen yogurt (B&J's Cherry Garcia - I don't really like it), and chicken from the meat counter. Next to that are bags of frozen veggies (broccoli, mixed, and butternut squash). To the far right is a whole chicken that was on sale at the store for two dollars (score!) that I'll use to make soup or add to a salad, and about a bajillion freeze pops left over from this summer. No picture of the door, since there's nothing in it.

I just realized the alcohol to food ratio in my fridge is kind of whacked. I swear it's not always like that!

Daily Post #64

2007-01-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1024
Calories out: 3488
Difference: 2464

Challenge Day 3: ~70/64 oz

Had a busy day (Victoria's Secret's Semi-Annual sale was calling my name) and didn't get to eat as much as I usually do. Sad story, right?

At the gym this morning I saw a guy that I worked with last summer. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, but saw him from afar and had a tiny moment of panic. Oh, God. I can't believe he's here and can actually see me right now. I'm all sweaty and red, I'm positive I don't smell my very best, and I'm wearing two different socks. This is awful.

And then, just like that, I didn't care. I was over it. I realized that getting a good workout was way more important to me then looking foxy for some guy.

Immediately my thoughts turned to Yes, I'm a big girl and right now I'm sweating but that's just how it is. At least I'm doing something about it! And I almost wanted to run in to him so he could see that I don't care if he sees me at my most unattractive.

I guess I'm mentioning all of this because it's kind of a big deal to not be embarassed at the gym. Sha-Dizzle mentioned exercise embarassment in her most recent post, and sometimes I get a touch of it. Most of the time I'm the biggest person there and usually it doesn't phase me, but I'm human and there are times where I'm ashamed of my size. Getting over this has been huge when it comes to working out. I'm not scared to get disgusting when I'm at the gym, because I know that means I'm working hard. Besides, if the people at the gym are anything like me, they're more concerned about themselves and their workout then anyone else.

Daily Post #63

2007-01-02T16:51:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3433
Difference: 2233

Challenge Day 2: 70/64oz

Wow, thanks to everyone who has commented in the last few days. I feel like my blog exploded! The advice and well wishes are really appreciated and very encouraging.

And now for some TMI concerning inner thighs. If you don't care to know, don't continue reading :)

- - - - - -

While showering today I noticed several dark spots on my inner thighs. I've had blisters there before from chafing (hot days + skirts + 250 pounds = ouch) and I assume that these are scars left over from that. But they're really dark and look like bruises.

So my question is, does anyone else have these? And, does anyone have any information on whether or not they'll go away in time? Is there anything I can do to get rid of them or lessen their appearance? Will I always have an unattractive reminder of my big thighs?

Collar Bones!

2007-01-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here, reading some blogs, watching some tv, and I reach over my shoulder to scratch an itch. And what's that? What is that that I feel my wrist resting on? It's not my soft pillow neck and shoulder that I remember from iches past...

Why, it's my collar bone!

Hello collar bone! Welcome to the world!

Daily Post #61,62 (223.6)

2007-01-01T12:25:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 2440
Calories out: 6884
Difference: 4444

Challenge Day 1: 84/64 oz.

It's a new year! And a year that I have a feeling will be good to me. For once, it is January first and I feel confident and satisifed with my plans for the next year. This will be the last year I enter weighing more than 200 pounds, the year I graduate from college, the year I start living my life in a way that I am proud of. This year I want to get out there and do things. I want to get out of my comfort zone, meet new people, travel, experience things that scare me.

I haven't made any official resolutions, but I'm sticking with the changes I've been making in the last few months. I excersized every single day in December, without missing a beat. I've eaten responsibly every day since the end of October, and that's not to say I'm not having a blast the whole time. I've eaten pizza, hamburgers, mashed potatos, ice cream, chips, you name it! But all in proper portions with a side of cardio.

This is working for me (I lost another 3.2 pounds this week!), so I don't feel the need to make any resolutions to push myself into self-pressure panic mode. 2007 is going to be about focus and fun, and I can't wait to get started.

Make Yourself A Priority in 2007

2006-12-30T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am so excited to say that I've joined the 12 Months of Health, Fitness, and Fun Challenge.

Everyone should check it out! I have a feeling it's going to be a blast!

Daily Post #60

2006-12-30T14:41:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1220
Calories out: 3350
Difference: 2120

Tomorrow is New Year Eve, a holiday that is marked, in my mind, as a holiday for getting smashingly drunk and counting backwards. I know alcohol is pretty awful as far as calories go, so I'm kind of tentative about how to handle the situation. My friends, when given a good opportunity, are quick and happy drinkers and I'd like to join in on the fun. I'm afraid I'll be too calorie-concious to enjoy the night.

So what is the compromise? Do I eat very little during the day so I can drink all night? Or do I eat normal and drink normal and end up far less intoxicated than my guests? I know that option number two is the "mature" thing to do, but dammit I'm twenty years old!

- - - -

Yesterday the sister and I took my end of the month progress photo. We had taken pictures several months ago in an attempt to kick-start a diet, but it never worked, and when I started this whole thing we used that photo as a "Before" and now take a picture near the first of every month.

Taking this picture is absolute horror to me. I hate looking at the old picture of myself almost as much as I despise looking at the new ones. While I am smaller in the most recent photo, I still feel like such a huge mass of person. I try and keep it in perspective that it's only been two months, and this should be motivation to keep going, but seeing how big I am in an undeniable format just depresses me. I know in 6 months I'll be glad I have the photos, but right now it's such a downer.

Also, my family is all over seeing these pictures. It weirds me out. And everyone knowing that I'm taking these pictures makes me terrified of failing and having to explain to people what went wrong. Maybe this is what The Biggest Loser contestants feel like. With the whole world watching, it's pretty hard to let them all down.

Daily Post #59

2006-12-29T18:23:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1030
Calories out: 3400
Difference: 2370

I've been getting a lot of really amazing compliments about my weight loss in the last few days. All from my family (and somehow comments from people who know you're dieting just aren't as sweet as those from the unaware), but nonetheless welcome feedback to the last 2 months. I'm told that I'm doing a great job, that it's really starting to show, to keep up the good work.

While I am thrilled to be getting these comments from my loved ones, my highschool friends, who I just saw for the first time in 4 months, said nothing. I was sort of surprised, since the response from my family had been so outward and dramatic.

This all sounds so terribly vain, but I wish for once my group of friends would give me some attention. This is really a friend issue more then a weight issue, so I'll leave it for elsewhere. Just a little frustration and at a time where frustration can be at its most destructive.

This is the point where I give up, this is the point where I dive head first into a slow-cooker of meat balls and won't lift my head again until next October when I start the whole fiasco all over again. Everytime I lose about 25ish pounds I seem to hit a wall. And for some reason I am always at my most sensitive in the months of January/February. If I'm going to make it this time, I need to make it through the next two months without getting too hard on myself.

Daily Post #57, 58

2006-12-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 795
Calories out: 6366
Difference: 5621

Before I get a call from the eating disorder police, let me explain my wacked out caloric intake of the last few days.

Yesterday morning I ate my usual mini-wheats with skim milk and about an hour afterward threw it all up. I spent the rest of the day sleeping, making occasional trips to the bathroom to throw up. After sleeping for most of the day I felt much better and decided to meet my sister at the gym. Bad idea. I worked out for about 30 minutes before I got tunnel vision and almost passed out. I chalked the day up to drinking some bad milk since that was all I was able to eat all day.

This morning I felt 100 times better, ate my breakfast as usual (sans milk) and was feeling pretty good. I hit the gym this morning and got in 60 minutes of cardio before my stomache started cramping up. Drove over to my parents to pick up some bills and was there for no more then five minutes when I started getting dizzy again. My vision went dark, my stomach lurched, and I rushed to the bathroom. My poor mom made me some tea and soup, neither of which I was able to eat before I decided to get home before I got any worse.

Since then I'm been laying on my couch watching episode after episode of Bridezillas. I've managed to get down a few saltines and have every intention of attempting to eat some soup later on. The thought of eating makes me want to throw up, but I know I need to eat since I haven't had a good meal in almost 2 days.

Ahh, why is it I always seem to get sick on my vacations?

Daily Post #56

2006-12-27T00:16:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1496
Calories out: 3414
Difference: 1919

Went to TGI Fridays with an old friend from highschool and indulged in their Tuscan Chicken Melt with Fire Roasted Red Pepper Soup. Of course, I can't find the exact nutrition info for that, so my calories for today are estimated. I wish I hadn't eaten so much.

I made cookies for her and she forgot them here. They're going directly in the trash. I won't have a bite. I swear.

Daily Post #55 (226.8)

2006-12-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1000
Calories out: 3460
Difference: 2460

Who weighs in on Christmas day after a weekend of holiday eating? I do! I'm down 3.6 pounds this week which I am thrilled with. I'm solidly in the 220's now and hopeing to zip right through them. 223 is my last recorded low weight, in January of 2006, and I'm determined to bust through that and never look back.

A super quiet Christmas for me as I didn't leave the house all day. Watched old movies and stayed in my pajamas for as long as I could handle.

I got an Ipod Nano for Christmas and spent some time today loading it up with fast paced tunes for working out. I got one of those sassy little armbands so I can wear it at the gym and not worry about dropping it. Tomorrow, the nano and I are going to hit the weights and kick some ass!

I haven't been to the gym in...4 days? And I kind of miss it. How strange!

Daily Post #54

2006-12-25T00:20:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1457
Calories out: 3258
Difference: 1801

I feel good about my food choices today. Mom's home cooking is hard to resist!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Daily Post #53

2006-12-23T21:32:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3265
Difference: 2165

One Christmas party down, and I managed to survive quite well. A little family drama kept me away from too much food and I left before desert was served, thus saving my calories from a quick incline.

I did get some nice feedback from the family. One aunt estimated my weight loss at about 30 pounds and I could have hugged her. The dress I purchased about a month ago, the one that I was terrified of not fitting in to, was actually a little big. Atleast I got one good use out of it before it goes on Ebay.

Tomorrow is my real Christmas, the one I love the best, so I doubt I'll be so saintly tomorrow. I'm sure I'm going to sleep like a 5 year old tonight, tossing and turning in excitement for tomorrow.

Daily Post #52

2006-12-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1000
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2468

Went out to lunch and indulged in their mini-burger, which I estimated to be much higher in calories then they actually were. Because of this, I ended up eating very little else today and fell short of my calories.

I suppose this might be a good thing, as I'm sure I'll make up for it in the next two days with the Christmas festivities!

Daily Post #51

2006-12-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3540
Difference: 2340

Despite the fact that I'm eating less calories then I'm burning, I feel pretty confident that I'm going to maintain this week. I don't know, it's a funny intuition I keep getting. Probably because of the big loss last week.

Mking some fish, drinking a (small!) glass of soy eggnog. Chillin' with the cat.

Daily Post #50

2006-12-20T18:54:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3645
Difference: 2545

Today turned out to be an all-day baking experience. Instead of buying gifts for my closest friends, I decided I would bake some cookies, put them in a nice box and call it good. Little did I know that the cookies I chose to make, pinwheels, take a really freaking long time to make. First you make the dough, then let it chill for an hour. Then you spread on a jelly or some other tasty treat, and let it chill for two more hours and then you bake them. It took me like 4 hours to make 3 dozen cookies.

Plus, making cookies provides a series of obstacles one must face when baking. Do you snack on the unused batter? Can I sneak a little of the jam? Does it count if I put the batter in my mouth, just to taste it, and then spit it out? I get to try a cookie right? Cause you can't give out cookies without making sure they're tasty first.

Because I have zero cooking supplies I did the baking at my mothers. She had to leave at one point to take the little bro to the DMV and I was left alone in an empty house with all of my childhood habits looming. It's strange, when I'm at my own home I have no temptations and feel pretty easy in my independent role as adult, but as soon as I step through the doors of my childhood home, I revert back to being 10 years old. I want to sneak food. I'm curious how much I could get away with without anyone noticing. How much can I eat before someone comes home? There are 20 cookies in the jar...will anyone notice if 4 go missing? I sipped a diet coke and watched a soap opera, all the time praying someone would come home and distract me from my stubborn inclination to binge. I was alone for about 2 hours and managed to keep myself in life. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel safe, when it comes to food, in that house. This, I think, is a therapist topic.

I did have one cookie, but whatever. I worked out a lot today, so I don't have guilties. The cookies I made for my friends are safe in my car for quick delivery and to keep them out of my house - just in case.

Daily post #49

2006-12-19T17:48:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1118
Calories out: 3468
Difference: 2350

Today was the "day off" from the gym which, in my world, now equals 40 minutes on my elliptical at home. I remember not two months ago when I couldn't handle 5 minutes at level one on that machine. Now I'm pulling 40 minute workouts, skipping between levels 2 and 4. My how far we've come.

Taking it easy tonight. I'm currently cooking up some sesame ginger chicken I bought at the grocery store tonight. I'm going to cut it into chunks and put it in a nice salad, with some soup on the side. A perfect dinner for a cold winter night.

Daily Post #48 (230.4)

2006-12-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

I had a Biggest Loser style weight loss this week of seven pounds! I could practically hear Caroline Rhea's super sonic voice screaming "You lost seven pounds!" in my ears.

But, and not to be all Debbie Downer, my scale keeps telling me it's batteries are low and I wonder how accurate the number could possibly be. I'll have to stop at the store and pick up a new battery and face the music tomorrow. I did have a few days this week where I felt good - where good = thinner - so I guess it's possible, but seven pounds is kind of hard to believe*.

Calories in: 1140
Calories out: 3370
Difference: 2230

Today, after working out, I decided to try tanning to see if it was something I could get in to. It was also sort of a Twenty Pounds Lost treat to myself too. I was terrified at first that I would break the bed because I weigh so much, or that it would collapse on top of me and I would be squished/burned to death like the girls in Final Destination 3. But everything went fine, I didn't die, and I think I'd do it again. I'm going to see how much my gym fee would increase if I added on tanning.

I ate dinner in such a way tonight that it felt like bingeing and it scared me. Heated up some steamed broccoli, then ate two tangerines. After that I heated up some oatmeal and sprinkled in a few raisins. When I was done with that I ate an ice cream sandwich. It ended up being about 500 calories, but since I hadn't eaten much all day, it worked out fine. I seem to build up a kind of momentum when I'm eating sometimes and have to take a step back and breathe. What's the hurry?

* I changed the battery this evening and weighed myself again before dinner. The number checks out. Woo!

Daily Post #47

2006-12-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

A meme I picked up somewhere:

1. Why are you trying to lose weight?

Simply put: to feel better. I'm 20 yers old and I want to act like it. I want to go out and have fun and focus on having a good time instead of focusing on the best way I can sit to distribute my fat attractively.

2. Do you have a reward for yourself once you reach goal?

I haven't thought too hard about this. I would really like to travel to France.

3. What food do you wish had zero calories and zero fat?

Big, juicy, hamburgers. I haven't had one in two months and I miss them so.

4. As you lose weight, what do you find yourself enjoying more?

I like waking up and knowing I'm doing something good for myself. I like haveing the gym as a stable element in my life. I like my clothes fitting better. I like comments from strangers who see my license and then see me and say I look like I've lost weight.

5. What's your new favorite low fat food/treat?

At the moment, Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwiches. Mmm.

------------

Calories in: 1304
Calories out: 3258
Difference: 1954

Daily Post #44,45,46

2006-12-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

For the last 3 days:

Calories Out: 10241
Calories In: 4145
Difference: 6090

Have no fear! My little disappearance does not indicate a wavering in my will to kick my fat in the ass. I've just been so terribly busy. First there were finals, then I helped my mother out with a ton of Christmas related affairs, then haircuts, and eyebrow waxing, and shoe shopping, and wrapping gifts, and MORE finals. The craziness is not yet over, but I really wanted to take a breather and put a little post up here.

I've been doing well. When it comes to food I sometimes get this strange feeling that I've "figured it out". Without any specific plan I've been able to keep my calories at a respectable level but I never feel like I'm starving or deprived. The compulsion to eat is still there occasionally, and peaks it ugly head out at me mostly when I'm bored, but to date I've had no problem keeping myself entertained enough to forget about the routine of eating when I'm bored.

Exercise is going along swimmingly. The days when I get to the gym I leave soaked with sweat, exhausted, and proud. My routine there has been something like 20-30 minutes cardio, 2 sets of 8 on each of my weight machines of choice, 30 minutes fat burn, and then 2 sets of 8 of a couple ab workouts. I get really into workout out, and it's not uncommon for me to stay there for almost two hours if I've got the time.

I don't want to gloat or act like I'm Supreme Queen Of All Things Diet, but I'm feeling pretty happy, confident, patient. I'm beginning to enjoy the act of eating better and listening to my body when it tells me I'm full. I enjoy working out for the adrenaline I get from it, and a little from feeling like I can hold my own in a gym full of big buff dudes. I'm beginning to feel like I'm finding what I love and that wieght loss might just be a happy side effect.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Daily Post #43

2006-12-12T15:06:00.000-05:00

Calories in: 1200
Calories out: 3460
Difference: 2260

My new favorite thing every is to go to the seafood or meat counter at the grocery store and get pre-marinated pieces of chicken or fish. It takes all the work out of it, and I know exactly how much I'm eating. I just pop it into my toaster oven and 20 minutes later I have a super tasty piece of protein. Sure, it costs more than buying a package of chicken breast and going through all the steps to get it prepared, but it saves me in time and frustration, which I think is an even trade.

Snuck off to the gym today without the sister, only because I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I could get on with my day. Finals are stressing me out to the max and I needed to get out of the house and work off some of my nerves. I feel better for having done it.

3 more days and I get my life back!

Daily Post #42 (237.4)

2006-12-11T19:23:00.000-05:00

Down a little less than a pound this morning, which I guess is good considering the wine-fest that was Saturday.

My eating, when not with others, has become sort of sporadic and strange.

Tonight I had a cup of Annie's Shells and Cheddar, then an hour later I had a cup of Minestrone soup, then Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. And that was dinner.

I sort of like it, but I know that expert food peoples would say I should not be doing anything while eating (I'm usually studying, watching tv, cleaning in between bites) and I should eat it all at once so as not to go out of control without realising. But it's working for me, so whatever.

Calories in: 1100
Calories out: 3400
Difference: 2300

Daily Post #41

2006-12-10T17:11:00.000-05:00

The weekend is coming to a close and thank goodness for that. The weekend I spend with the women in my family is usually my most indulgent of the year, because the wine flows freely and the emotional baggage/good times roll.

While I'm not completely sure of how many calories I ate exactly yesterday, I would estimate somewhere around 2500 or so, which is by no means terrible considering I had bout 5 glasses of wine and a rum and coke. Alcohol is the devil when it comes to calories. On the plus side we did a ridiculous amount of walking around as the mall we went to was gigantic and we visited just about every single store.

Nursing a wee hangover this morning I napped on the drive home. The sister and I were both pretty exhausted from the trip, but still managed to get to the gym for an hour of weight-training and ab exercises. We didn't sweat or grunt as much as we usually do, but something is better than nothing when it comes to working out.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm braceing myself for another tiny teeny loss since this week was less than perfect. But that's life. You can't stop living just because you're eating better. Once again, something is better than nothing.

I'm currently preparing some teriyaki chicken and broccoli for dinner and getting ready to settle in for a night of tv and relaxation. Tomorrow is another day.

Daily Post #40

2006-12-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary, 25 minutes elliptical, Ab routine

Calories in: 1236
Calories out: 3575
Difference: 2339

Going to the gym has become a sort of regular impulse for me. I don't wake up and wonder if I'll go to the gym today, because I already know that I will. It's not that I don't have a choice, it's just that I've already made the decision. I work it into my schedule as a priority. Going to the gym happens the same as going to the post office or the bank, it's an errand I run that just takes a little longer and requires showering.

I'm on the fence about my actual gym though. The staff are nice enough and the patrons have been friendly or mostly keep to themselves. A few days ago a man who was making his way around the gym by doing squats passed by the sister and I while we were doing our ab routine and was cheering us on, really encouraging us to give it our all. Normally I would be horrified that someone was paying attention to me at the gym (I like to pretend I'm invisble and no one can see the sweaty, gasping mess I become when I work out) but I was actually encouraged and worked a little harder.

Something that sort of shocked me though was that last monday as I was leaving they had about 10 pizzas delivered to the gym. They were placed in the waiting area, all hot and cheesy and waiting to be eaten. The smell filled the gym, and my stomache grumbled involuntarily. I;d been so good about staying away from temptation and there it was, in my gym, staring me in the face. What kind of gym supplies copious amounts of free pizza to it's customers? I didn't eat any, of course, but there it was and it astounded me.

The mom, sister, and I are going on another mini-trip this weekend, leaving tomorrow and returning Sunday. I'm getting really good at eating what I want but eating smaller amounts of it, so I feel good about this trip. We'll be gone all day tomorrow so no working out, but back in time Sunday to get in a good gym visit to end the week.

Oh! I wore a pea-coat today that I bought as a sophomore in highschool! With a sweater on! It never fit in highschool, but today I could button it and everything. It was a little lumpy, but nothing that I was embarassed by. I can't wait until I lose a few more inches and it's big enough to wear a bulky sweater underneath with room to spare. Fitting into clothes, so far, has been the best part of this.

Daily post #39

2006-12-07T21:11:00.000-05:00

Exercise: 12 minutes stationary, an hour of weight lifting/abs stuff, 20 minutes elliptical

Calories in: 1300
Calories out: 3500
Difference: 2200

This must be the busiest week I've ever experienced.

Daily Post #38

2006-12-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Biggest Loser days always leave me feeling a little...lacking. I know I don't have the time or resources that the people on the show have available to them but I feel like I should be doing more. Believe me, I know that I'm putting in a good effort, but the people on that ranch are going until they drop.

I realize that there were many people who were just as successful at home as those at the ranch, but when I try and push myself a little harder I can'thelp but fee a little...lost.

I'm sure this is just a small blip in my mood and that tomorrow I'll be right back on the "I'm kicking ass!" bandwagon, but right now I feel frustrated.

Exercise: 50 minutes stationary, 10 minutes elliptical, 20 minutes abs, 20 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes sit-ups and what not around the house.

Okay, so when I type it out it sounds like a lot. But, you know. I'm just blah.

Calories in: 1000 (and I had PIZZA today. Need to eat more!)
Calories out: 3800
Difference: 2800

Daily Post #37

2006-12-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

Exercise: 30 minutes elliptical (level 1 20 min, level 2 10 min)

Calories in: 1060
Calories out: 3420
Difference: 2360

Spent most of today on the couch working on a project for school. With finals coming up there will be a few days that I spend doing mostly homework and studying, but I'm going to try my best to be sure that I still get some exercise in.

Daily Post #36 (238.2)

2006-12-04T22:45:00.001-05:00

Down .4 this week, which I've convinced myself is totally okay since last week was so big. All smiles, right?

Busy school day, followed by a new workout at the gym.

10 minutes warm-up treadmill
1 hour weight training
20 minutes stationary cool-down

I really liked it, except that I wasn't all sweaty and exhausted after leaving. I really like to feel worked out once I leave the gym and today was surprisingly easy.

Of course, we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Florida trip was postponed, so we can put the game-plan for that to the side for awhile. Im'm glad, it gives me more time to get myself under control and gain a little confidence.

Can you tell I'm super tired right now? Man.

Daily Post #35

2006-12-03T18:57:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Skim milk, Kashi GoLean, Banana
Lunch: 2 Wheat tortillas, salad, chicken, ff refried beans, very little cheese, salsa
Snack: 2 clementines
Dinner: Tilapia filet, salad
Calories: 1100

Exercise: 52 minutes bike (level 6-7, 30 miles, hill) & 20 minutes elliptical (level 2)

I stepped up my exercise today, which is surprising since my body was feeling worn out and tired today. My head was so into it, wanting to pedal harder, longer, faster, but my thighs and butt were having none of it. That being said, I did more exercise today than I have been.

Tomorrow the sister and I are going to start incorporating weights into our gym trips. The personal trainer gave us a five day schedule with 3 days of weights and cardio, and 2 days of just cardio. I'm excited to get in there and mix it up a little. We did a few ab routines when we met with him and my stomach has been sore since then so I'm excited to get in some exercise that leaves my muscles a little achy. When I hurt a little the next day I feel like I've gotten a good workout.

I'm doing better with food, which is apparent in my little food logs. I'm only having a little trouble trying to eat more but not get so into eating that I go crazy. When I was making my burritos this afternoon I finished the second one and was tempted to whip up another. I knew I didn't need another one, but it's like once I get into eating I don't want to stop. Today was the first day I felt tempted to binge and was able to hold myself back enough to think about why I wanted to binge and then avoid the temptation.

I might be going to Florida with the parents in about two weeks as an unexpected mini-vacation. My sister seems a little weary that with a week of going out to eat and being in a place where I don't have guaranteed gym access I'll drop the ball and return to my bad habits with a vengeance. I acted a little shocked that she would think that, but I know that she's right. A week of being out of my regular environment is a challenge, one that I have failed many times before. Her calling me out like that was exactly what I needed to start getting my head into the mind frame that I'm going to be challenged and I need to be ready to stick to my guns. Bring it on Florida.

I also had a little tiny anxiety that we might go to Disney and I'd be too big to fit in the rides. But that only happens to very large people right? I really want to go on rides...

Sha-Dizzle asked about the table on the right sidebar that I use to track my weight change. If anyone is interested in plopping a table on the site, here's the code:

<table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="1" width="200">
<tr align="center"><td>Date</td><td>Weight</td><td>Change</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td>Enter Date Here</td><td>Enter Weight Here</td><td>Change here</td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Total Lost: </td></tr><tr>
<tr align="center"><td colspan="3">Weeks: </td></tr><tr>
</table>

To add more rows, just copy the bold line and paste it after that line as many times as you need.

Daily Post #34

2006-12-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Luna Bar
Lunch: 2 wheat tortillas, some reduced fat cheese, ff refried beans, lettuce, tomato, onion, chicken
Dinner: Tilapia filet, salad w/ Lite Caesar dressing

Exercise: 45 minutes bike (26 miles, level 7, hills) & 20 minutes elliptical (level 1, 1128)

I think I'll finish out the week marking down my food and then I'm going to move my food stuff full time over to fitday. I've started recording my food there and doing it in two places is just unneccesary.

Workout today started out a little rough as I'm still not sleeping as well as I wish I was. Once I got going I was really into it to and managed to crank out the 26 miles that I thought was impossible in 45 minutes. I feel pretty proud of todays workout, especially since the last couple of days exercise has been hard to fit in.

Im definitely getting to that period where I'm settling in. Where nothing feels new and shiny and I have to fight the boredom that I guess could come from sticking to a strict diet. I'll be incorporating some different foods this weeks to add a little variety. Some of them aren't "diet" foods, but I like that. I want to be able to have non-diet food in my apartment and eat them in a healthy way. This isn't something I want to be able to do just now, but something I need to know how to do for the rest of my life. Plus, I'm getting in a few more calories which had become a bit of a problem as I was eating only about 600 calories a day. Now I'm getting around 1200.

So I'm going to have maccaroni and cheese at some point this week, and it's going to be delicious, and I won't feel even a little bit bad about it. Just because I make the whole box doesn't mean I have to eat it.

Daily Post #33

2006-12-01T23:53:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Subway turkey sub, wheat bread, honey mustard
Dinner: Tomato, Basil, Mozzarella Pannini
Craziness: 5 glasses of wine

Exercise: A few half hearted situps

Day two of crazy busy completed.

Daily Post #32

2006-11-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal
Lunch: Turkey Soup
Dinner: 2 flour tortillas, some salad, re-fried beans, cheese

Exercise: 20 minutes elliptical

A long, busy day. Tomorrow will be another.

Daily Post #31

2006-11-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean, skim milk
Lunch: Turkey sub from Subway, no cheese, wheat bread, honey mustard
Dinner: Salad, tilapia
Snack: 3/4 C FF Cottage cheese

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (16 miles, hills, level6), and then I went crazy tonight and did 20 minutes elliptical (1050+ distance, 200+ calories burned, level 1)

I don't know how I did 20+ miles in 45 minutes that one day. I was pedaling my ass off tonight and barely hit 16. Maybe I read it wrong that day. Or was distracted by the JV football team that trains at the same time the sister and I go to the gym. I was sitting next to one on the bike today and he kept glancing over and trying to keep up with my lightning fast pedaling. He was, but he was only on level 1 that cheat!

Last night I settled in and watched Renee Gets Fit's video logs, talking about her food and exercise and the likes and was introduced to the wonderful world that is diet videos via Youtube. There's a plethera of helpful information, tons of inspiring people, and a lot of advice on things like weight lifting and food and diet myths.

Speaking of weight lifting... the sister and I signed up to meet with the personal trainer at the gym (yes, THE personal trainer. The only one. For the WHOLE gym.) to get some advice on how to use the machines to our best advantage. There was only one other name signed up for that particular session (because the personal trainer never meets with just one person at a time - not very personal in my opinion) and I'm pretty sure that person was my 9th grade science teacher. That'll be interesting.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and I yearn for the deep dreamy sleep I was getting the first few weeks on this ~~diet~~ life style change. Part of it is my cat going totally insane from 10 PM to 4 AM and part of it is me just not feeling as rested when I get up. Any have any ideas?

I sort of feel like I need a food overhaul. The way I eat is just messed up. I don't think I'm getting enough calories which is all at once confusing and ironic. On the one hand it's like "Yahoo more calories!" But on the other it's "Ugh more food?". I guess my relationship with food is messed up right now. It's conflicted and boring and scary. It shouldn't be. I don't think Im eating in a way that I could sustain for a very long period of time, like, say, forever. Which just sets me up to be one of the 95% who gain back everything they lose plus more. I can't really afford to buy more food than I'm buying now, so I feel trapped in my choices.

One cannot live on cottage cheese and lettuce alone.

Daily Post #30

2006-11-28T16:14:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Luna bar
Lunch: Salad with romaine, figs, Gorgonzola, tomato, turkey, rasp.vin.
Dinner: Same salad as above, plus some tomato soup with added frozen veggies

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (level 7, hill, 14+ miles)

Spent a lot of today helping my mom paint and rearrange her bedroom. She's redoing the whole room while my dad is out of town as a sort of "While You Were Out" kind of surprise. Sadly, I got one of my new shirts dirty in the process. Good news is the room looks great and I got to work out my arms a little with the roller.

I'm skipping class tonight because I am a rebel extraordinaire. I'm too tired and dirty to get ready in time and the class is so long and I'd rather watch a movie. Not good reasons to not go, but it's what I'm doing. So there.

Daily Post #29 (238.6)

2006-11-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Lean Cuisine
Dinner: Salad, 1 C Amy's Low Sodium tomato soup

Exercise: 45 minutes recumbent (hill, level 6, 26 miles)

Down 4.4 pounds this week. Huzzah! All that working out must be paying off.

Daily Post #28

2006-11-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Cottage cheese
Lunch: Baked chicken breast, frozen veggies
Snack: Luna Bar, 5 pepperoncinis
Dinner: Enchilada, salad

Exercise: 10 minutes elliptical

Sundays are the toughest days for me I think. It's the day I lounge around, pick up here and there, read, watch movies. All activities that can involve a sort of grazing style snacking that doesn't seem like much but adds up to way too much.

Daily Post #27

2006-11-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean cereal, skim milk
Lunch: 2 slices bread, miracle whip, turkey, 1/2 pickle
Dinner: Sweet potato, peas, stuffing

Exercise: 1 mile treadmill (18 min), 11 miles recumbent (hill, level 7, 30 min), 15 minutes elliptical

Something strange is going on with me and food. All of a sudden I'm just not interested in eating. I've never felt this way before, but now every time I have to eat it feels, well, just like that: that I have to eat. Even as a kid I always finished what was on my plate, whether I liked it or not, it all went down. Now I'm a little bit more picky about my food, I refuse dessert, I haven't finished a meal in a really long time. I'm eating now because I know if I don't I'll be tired and cranky later.

Could it be that for the first time in my life I'm eating food for fuel instead of for some other psychologically traumatic reason?

I don't know if this has ever happened before when I've tried dieting, but it feels pretty new to me. I have no temptation to sneak around, I could very easy "cheat" and buy some bad food, but I'm really just not into it right now. The work:calorie ratio just isn't something I feel like dealing with.

I guess you could say I'm doing very well for about 1 month in.

A Few Points

2006-11-24T12:56:00.000-05:00

Last night I hung out with some old friends, one of whom has lost approximately 60ish pounds in the last 2 years. I was stunned to see that although it was 11:00 at night, my friend was heating up leftovers from Thanksgiving and chowing down. She finished the container of leftover turned with a sigh and said "There. Now it won't be here tomorrow." I guess she lets herself pig out every once in awhile and it sort of shocked me. I know she's not doing the crazy fitness nut thing that I'm currently in to, but her blatant binge was sort of awkward for me. I don't really know how to talk to people about their weight, and it's too bad sometimes because I feel like this friend of mine and I could have a lot to say to each other, and could be really supportive if we chatted about it once in awhile.

I was so good at Thanksgiving yesterday. Not only in my food choices, but also in not being ashamed of my healthy choices, not being persuaded into eating things I didn't want, and not being embarassed that my family knows I've started jogging. I was sort of quiet at one point, watching the parade or the National Dog Show (I want a french terrier so bad now), and someone asked me what was wrong. My mom replies "She's hungry." Which I was, and my aunt goes "I'm not suprise she's hardly snacking at all!" This anti-snacking thing was really the biggest accomplishment of the day because that's where I tend to lose my mind. I was even seated next to some scallops wrapped in bacon and decided to let myself enjoy the aroma and pass up on the taste. I felt better for it. Also, I feel it should be noted that I was exhiled to the kiddy table this year as an involuntary baby-sitter and this will not be tolerated next year.

Maybe most importantly, I think my knee is a little, well, fucked. I guess the drwback of jogging when you're 240+ pounds is that all that weight is bouncing along on my fragile little knees and they're starting to rebel. My body has gone through a series of strange yet expected injuries since starting jogging a few weeks ago. I've had about 4 blister, all on the same foot, I've had cramps, I've had sore calves, sore thighs, sore shins, and now, sore knees. Today was the first day I really coneceeded to the pain and took it down a notch. I did a mile on the treadmill, with half of it being jogging, and then plomped down on the recumbent bike and pedaled five miles. I want to step it up, but I need to find exercise that's low impact on my knees before I hurt myself and end up moving backwards.

I have this dirty little habit that sneks up on me every so often: I'm a social smoker. When I can afford a pack of cigarettes I'll buy them, and then it's smoking for about 4 days until the pack is gone and I wait until I have another spare 5 dollars (there's no such thing) and get a new pack. I never smoke more than a pack a week, but still. Not neccesary. I really should just cut it out before I become a full-blown smoker. I guess you could say its pretty ridiculous to work as hard as I'm trying to work at the gym in the morning and spend the rest of the day puffing away. I'm working on it.

Note to self: you're not drinking enough water. Get on that.

Daily Post #26

2006-11-24T09:34:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Leftovers
Dinner: Cinnamon oatmeal, a slice of toast, some quince jam, raisins

Exercise: 1 mile treadmill, 5 miles bike

Leftovers of course consisting of turkey, peas, and sweet potato and some stuffing.

Yesterday was such a trip for me that I think I need today to process it.

Daily Post #25

2006-11-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Omelet with some cheddar cheese and a single strip of bacon
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Turkey, assorted veggies, some weird salads (all small portions)

Exercise: 1 mile at the gym

Happy Turkey Day!

Daily Post #24

2006-11-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Not sure*

Exercise: 1 mile jogging, 1 mile walking

My exercise has become more about distance than time. I'm taking this as a good thing, so long as I don't cut myself short. Sometime next week I'm going to up my workout a little, either by adding more distance or trying to jog a little more of it. We'll see, it'll most likely be whatever strikes me at the particular moment.

I have to go shower and get ready for class now. I swear my school is the only one that has classes the day before Thanksgiving. I'm seriously annoyed. The traffic is going to be horrendous.

* A friend from high school is in town for the holiday and we plan on watching Mommie Dearest. This event may or may not include pigging out, which wouldn't suprise me as this friendship is basically founded on a mutual love of big juicy hamburgers.

Edited to add: We ended up making a little stir-fry with white rice. I had a normal sized portion and called it good. I'm immensly proud of this. It was hard to watch my friend go back for seconds and thirds and not even finish what I'd taken as my only portion.

I Don't Want To Disappear

2006-11-21T20:54:00.000-05:00

Out of pure curiosity, I visited an old weight-loss journal of mine to check up on the few people I had friended during that particular period of motivation.

I was upset to find that of all of them only one appears to have continued and lost all the weight they intended to lose. This person then confesses that she was addicted to coke, and was dealing with an eating disorder.

This girl that I had found to be so inspiring because her numbers kept dropping, she was motivated and motivating.

I can't believe someone I considered to be an inspiration to me was...well, sort of a fraud.

And everyone else, every single other person, was either worse off or had completely disappeared.

What makes me think that I am doing something so different that I'll stick? That I won't be a fraud, or disappear, or end up worse off?

I'm terrified that this will become just another abandoned blog that someone comes across and wonders what ever happened to me and if I ever made it.

I want to be strong enough to not mess this up.

Daily Post #23, or, I'm a Jogging Fool

2006-11-21T17:07:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Snack: Clif Bar
Lunch: Turkey Breast 6" sub from Subway (no cheese)
Dinner: Low sodium chili, salad

Exercise: 2 miles at track, 1.25 of it jogging (!!!)

My knees are going to be a big hot mess if I keep this up. I need to learn to stretch better or I'm going to hurt myself.

I feel better jogging than I do walking because my knees are all wonky and sore. I can't tell if this is normal workout pain or something I should be concerned about.

Got a membership at the local Planet Fitness today since it'll be full on winter before I know it and the track and cemetery won't be accessable. I'm a little grumpy about having to pay for a gym membership when there's a perfectly good street outside, but the winter in Maine is no time to be playing in the streets.

I bought a 14/16 sweater today. Probably some kind of fluke, but I'll take it. I tried on a pair of 20 pants at Lane Bryant and couldn't get them past my thighs. I wasn't too broken up about it though since I was wearing size 20 jeans while I was shopping.

My cute dress for Christmas came in and...it fits. It's only a little lumpy in the rear, but once I get the right underwear it'll look sassy and awesome. If there was an award for best dressed at a family function, I would consider myself a contender for the grand prize.

Daily Post #22

2006-11-20T08:34:00.000-05:00

Weight: 243.4

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Snack: Clif bar
Lunch: Slimfast
Dinner: Amy's Low Sodium Enchiladas (1 serving), Salad

Exercise: 2 miles at the track

Edited to add: I jogged more than 3/4 of my 2 miles! Woah!

Down .6 pounds this week. And I had to fight tooth and nail for it. I worked out every single day. Sometimes twice. I drank gallons of water. I ate salad as a meal more then 6 times.

It is disheartening to see only a .6 drop, but I'm trying to keep my mind in check. I'm on my period, which might be a factor in the tiny drop. Other then that though, I've got no excuses. No desserts, no binges, no cheats. Just a low week.

Daily Post #21

2006-11-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Cereal, skim milk
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif bar
Dinner: 1 Amy's enchilada, salad

Exercise: 20 hardcore ass kicking minutes on the elliptical. All in a row!

I don't know what the deal is but I'm so tired today. I had a hard time getting out of bed, but once I did I got right on my elliptical to get the exercise over for the day. After a shower and some breakfast I feel ready to go back to bed.

Weekends are such a pain in my ass. It's like I spend the whole day just waiting for my next opportunity to eat.

Daily Post #20

2006-11-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Slimfast
Lunch: Salad
Snack: 1/2 Clif Bar (I ate half then realized there's 250 calories in one. Yipes.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine
Snack: A handful of frosted mini-wheat (maple & brown sugar)

Exercise: 1 mile at the cemetery, 2 miles at the track

I just realized how much sodium is in a Lean Cuisine. And I had been adding a dash of salt to some of them because they were bland! It's no wonder I feel like I'm retaining water like crazy.

The mini-trip I went on with the sister and mom went really well. We ate out twice and both times I made very sensible choices. They both are trying to be very good about what they eat so the lack of peer pressure made my good choices much easier.

I did get some new clothes while we were out, and was happy to find that I fit very comfortabley into sixe 18/20 shirts. I didn't try any pants as I was already cranky from impending-period blues and didn't need another excuse to be pouting.

Dad went for a jog with us this morning at the cemetery which was sort of nice. He's a big guy and getting up there in years so it's good he was willing to get out and move around a little with us. I know he was putting on a brave face and acting like he didn't hurt too bad, but when we dropped him off he looked a little sore climbing the stairs to the front door. We're hopeing that maybe this will kickstart n exercise bug in him and he'll get back into jogging on his own.

Daily Post #19

2006-11-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: Egg beaters, 1 piece wheat toast (with a little marmalade on one half,and a little jelly on the other), some cottage cheese, a tiny ff raspberry yogurt
Lunch: So much salad.
Dinner: Lean Cuisine

Exercise: 2 miles at the track (35 minutes), 15 minutes on the elliptical

Too tired to write.